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*Dear elephant reader: if you’re single & looking for mindful dating or conscious love, try out our lovely partner, MeetMindful.

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Do you have questions about creating intimacy or developing mindful relationships?

Confusing questions? Awkward ones? Deep, dark, scary ones? 

I want them. Email your questions to: [email protected].

All relephant questions will be answered with loving kindness. (Yes. Every one.) Authors remain anonymous.

No judgments, just soulful answers.

Q. My boyfriend and I have been together (on and off) for over eight years. For two of those years, we started having unprotected sex.

He is very careful, as he had had a pregnancy scare from another person before we started dating. Well, this morning he did something strange. He came inside of me. And as much as I haves dreamed about this (yes, it has always been a fantasy of mine), I can’t help but to wonder about the sudden urge to do so?

Does this mean anything or am I just thinking too deeply into it?

 

A. The first portion of your situation is not uncommon: Many men are uncomfortable climaxing inside their female partners.

There are a few reasons for this, which we’ll deal with before we get to your question.

First, as you mentioned, a compelling reason for men not to ejaculate inside their partner is the desire to avoid an unwanted pregnancy.

This impetus to pull out may be a let-down for the woman, but if you both are not ready to become parents, this is an extremely responsible act on the man’s part. This behavior is particularly common in younger men and couples who are financially (if not emotionally) prepared to have a child. There are many cases of couples who use various forms of birth control (e.g., condoms, birth control pills) along with the “pull-out method,” making the non-procreative act of sex even more efficient.

Another possibility a man may choose not to ejaculate into his partner is physical discomfort. The level of discomfort could range from not having the kind of orgasmic experience he prefers to outright pain.

In the case of the former, a man may have learned to orgasm through masturbation, which may make the act of sexual intercourse less than stimulating—no two bodies can create friction as fast and as accurately as a hand can! It may simply be easier for a man to orgasm the same way he always has. This skill can be worked on over time (and in another article, since that’s not your focus here).

If a man is experiencing pain during ejaculation inside a woman, this can be caused by the design of a woman’s body (i.e., the way it is angled or how constricted the vaginal walls become) or by the man’s. There may also be a medical issue at the source of the pain. In this case, seeing a medical professional is the best option.

An additional factor in a man’s desire to keep his orgasms outside the body is trust. The act of making love already puts us in a vulnerable position. We share parts of ourselves that we do not share with the general public. We have selected another human being to see us literally naked in the world, and to partake in the dance of arousal and pleasure-connection that intimate sexuality is. Sex is communication. And regardless of how many lovers we’ve had, we simply do not speak like this to a majority other human beings!

If even being naked together is an act of trust, allowing full sexual release takes that trust to the next level. Taking it even a level further, when a man releases his energy inside a woman, he is literally and figuratively filling her with part of himself. This act is about as intimate as one can get. Needless to say, sex feels good, but putting oneself in a state of vulnerability with another human being is not always something that comes easily (forgive the pun).

Now to your question: So why did he do it?

Likely, your man experienced some combination of the elements discussed above. If I were to guess, I’d say the pregnancy fear abated and the trust between you elevated.

And if you read my articles, you’ll know what’s coming next. Sex is communication, yes, but what’s even more effective in getting to know your partner better? Talking.

Ask your man what happened. It may be that you are indeed overthinking the issue. If so, then you’ll know. If there was a specific reason for his decision to finally climax inside you (congratulations on that, by the way), then you’ll hear it straight from him—no more speculation!

Happy loving!

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Relephant bonus:

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Author: Rachel Astarte

Editor: Renée Picard

Image: Amy Wilbanks/Flickr