We have known this person for a few weeks and we wonder why we are dissatisfied with the sex.

We complain that he climaxed too soon, that she did not perform fellatio long enough or cite some reason we weren’t connecting sexually. We are all too quick to blame it on the person’s technique, yet we forget we are still in the “getting to know you phase” of the relationship.

There is a reason it is called foreplay. It is a time to explore, to discover, and yes to learn. There is no rule saying foreplay must end in sex that night, that week or even that month. Sexual exploration can last for several months or even a year for that matter.

When it comes to foreplay, this is something that cannot be rushed: the slower, the softer, the more sensual the better. There is time to speed things up, to change the pace as we progress, but I don’t want it to be a race to finish. Ideally from start to finish, foreplay lasts 45 minutes and it starts with the touch.

I was fully clothed during one of the best foreplay sessions I ever experienced. My guy’s fingers followed a subtle path down from my hair to my ears to my breasts. Then when he reached my vaginal zone, instead of unbuttoning my pants, he continued to caress between my legs but over my jeans using a slow circular motion. The whole time, he whispered how he wanted to see me come.

Foreplay is a sort of background check, and it can be just as satisfying as sex. Our partners will not feel we are playing games with them, holding out, or walking away. Foreplay can be just as intriguing and tantalizing as a game of truth or dare—if you know how to play for the long run.

I love a man who runs his fingers through my hair as he kisses me, who uses his tongue to excite other erogenous zones, like my ears, and whispers how he plans to touch every inch of my body. It is not the time to leave any detail untouched. I want to hear how he will slowly unbutton my blouse and navigate every inch of my body with his fingers, and then his tongue.

If he is going to delve into my southern regions, his hands will be warm from caressing me. Cold hands are a “no no” and by starting slowly up above, he has set the pace for a slow exploration of my vaginal zone. This is the most important part.

Some women like myself find it easier to achieve orgasm with manual manipulation. This is the point, ladies, when we want to take our guy’s hand and show him how it is done. Acting as his personal tour guide, I take my fingers and show him how to find my g-spot. Letting him watch me, I gently lick his fingers one by one, getting him ready for his turn.

From there, explore different positions—for instance, 69 can be done partly clothed. There are no rules other than open, clear communication.

Good relationships are built on trust. It takes time to build trust. What better way to establish trust than to explore our bodies using both verbal and nonverbal forms of communication, knowing the entire time that neither person will cross boundaries. Studies show that men, unlike women, can have sex with the same person many times and not fall in love. Men fall in love when they trust their partners.

Some fear they will quickly tire of foreplay. Well, we can tire just as easily from monotonous sex. Be creative, be seductive and in the long run you will not get bored and you will have a relationship based on open communication, trust, loyalty and sexual compatibility.

Author: Jane CoCo Cowles

Photo: Author’s own

Editor: Catherine Monkman