“I don’t need you, but I want you.”
When I first heard this statement, I felt uneasy. When it comes to romantic relationships, I know it’s detrimental to need somebody in order to feel a sense of completion. Relying on another person to feel secure about myself would surely set me up for a never-ending battle of relationship troubles.
That part made sense to me. But, is it really true that we don’t need each other at all? There’s not one part of my being that needs his to feel happier, or more sure of myself?
When I tossed this idea around in my own relationship, I instantly felt a sense of separation. A distance that felt, well, wrong. I was sure I did not need this person to feel entirely whole, but I undeniably felt stronger and even more in tune with myself in his presence.
I have always been an independent, capable woman and I wanted to believe in this notion of not needing anybody to validate my own strength. So I felt conflicted.
After much research and contemplation on this concept, I uncovered the two levels to explain the root of this contradiction:
The biological level: From a biological standpoint, men and women need each other. Men are wired to conquer and protect. This roots back to their days of hunting for kill to provide for their families. They thrive off of the returned appreciation and take pride in this. Women, on the other hand, are wired to nest and to nurture. Woman may no longer need to rely on men in the same sense today, but they still need the support of the masculine to thrive. They need to feel heard, listened to and supported in their endeavors.
The spiritual level: From a spiritual perspective, human beings are all already connected. In essence, we are all one. We do not need each other to feel full because the connection is already there. Ideally, if we are conscious enough to recognize this, we do not to rely on other people to validate our worth.
These two levels are fairly easy to comprehend from a logical standpoint. That is, until we are faced with the drama of human life. Emotions creep into our minds. The duality between our spirits and our biological roles as human beings becomes jumbled. We feel insecurities, jealousy and uncertainty at times.
We suddenly find ourselves needing our partners from a place of feeling emotionally broken. The basis of the relationship is now coming from a place of codependency and without this special person in our lives, we don’t feel complete. And in turn, we become more distant from our spiritual roots as humans.
In an ideal world, we would all walking around as enlightened beings. We would be entirely complete and not need other people for our well-being, but rather, we’d choose these people simply to complement our already complete selves. But, unless our name is Jesus, Gandhi or Buddha, we have most likely not reached this level of enlightenment and most of us need need a solution to the confusion of this duality.
For this reason, I created a set of standards for myself in my own relationship. It is a statement that we can all live by to clear up this confusion and bring the best version of our complete selves to our relationships.
“Together, we will vow to consciously work on on ourselves as individuals to reach a higher level of awareness and connectedness.
Instead of falling into the pressure of needing to feel entirely independent and whole every single day, the key is to make it a goal. A goal to be accountable for our own emotions and not need each other to fill in the gaps where we feel broken.
As much as I would like to tell myself that I am entirely autonomous and secure with who I am all of the time, the truth is, there are many days I struggle. For, I am only human. And on these days when life kicks me in the ass, I will need the extra reinforcement and love that you so generously offer me.
But each time I feel this need, I will vow to ask myself a question: ‘Is your support and love completing me because I am feeling depleted on an emotional level? Or is it simply just enjoyable to have your support because I already feel complete?’
If the answer is the latter, then we are without doubt on the path to bliss in this partnership. And if it is not, then I will be conscious enough to re-focus my intentions toward this goal.
I will never ask you to fill my voids because I am emotionally shattered. Rather, I will choose you.
I will choose to be with you because I love you for the soul you are. And on the days where your companionship helps me, it is simply the icing on the cake to our own beautiful, separate journeys.
As long as we are both striving toward this ideal as a goal, we will reach this desirable place of wholeness. Then, and only then, will the two of us be able to come together in a partnership.
To love myself alone, I do not need you at all. But as a unit together, there will be many times I need you. And this is okay.
I will always make it a goal to chose you. And with this goal in mind, we can integrate our feminine and masculine qualities to complement each other in our evolution here on Earth.”
Author: Natalie Lucci
Editor: Emily Bartran
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