“I don’t need a man!” she says as she wipes the tears from her eyes. Even with her mascara running, I can’t help but think about how beautiful she looks in this moment. I nod and let her continue to rant.

Sometimes we need to tell ourselves little white lies when life pushes hard against our chests. “He’s lost out on the best thing that has ever happened to him. I gave him everything!” she wails. I sit in silence, offering only my energy as comfort.

She continues to enforce her idea of her independence, her strengths and adds a heady dose of self pity, listing her flaws. When her rant is over, she simply stares at me, waiting for my response.

At this point, my mind is swamped with cliches. You are too good for him. He doesn’t realise what’s he’s done and when he does, he will come crawling back. You deserve more. You are a strong, independent woman and you don’t need a man!

The beauty of a cliché is that it holds a world of truth and its very existence is overuse, something that resonates with me. But there’s a part of all of these clichés that doesn’t sit well with what I want to say to reassure her. I start with, “No, you don’t need a man.” She shakes her head vigorously in agreement.

“But you want one,” I say. I’ve had this friend for a long time. She’s all fire, all the time. Men who don’t understand the female spirit would call it crazy. I call it fire. She blazes through this life with a conviction that sometimes scares even me but in her fire, right in its centre, thrives her heart. She gives me a defensive look and I explain, “You are one of the best humans I know and I love you. I know I don’t have to say it but I want to because I feel like you have forgotten that now. Yes, you gave him everything. Yes, it ended with hurt and yes, you don’t need a man, but it’s more than okay to admit that you wanted a man….this man.”

She huffs and I continue, “You were brave my friend.”

“How is this being brave? Loving an a***** and having my heart broken?” she replies. I slam my hand against the table in a dramatic gesture and shout, “Because you were vulnerable!” We have a small giggle because she knows me and she knows how I defuse tense situations with humour. I tell her, what I am writing about now. Being vulnerable is the answer to every question, doubt, insecurity, and curiosity we have. Embracing who we are is the answer. If an opportunity to love enters our life and it ends with hurt, why don’t we, as imperfect humans, say to ourselves, “I loved and I gave and I shared and I wanted and I needed and it was what it was.”

Why do we feel the need to have every situation in our lives defined? It is this very definition that keeps us separated, stifles our vulnerability and roadblocks connection. Wouldn’t it be better to react in each situation that is presented to us as our most authentic selves? And letting the proverbial chips fall where they may? No, you don’t need a man, but it’s more than okay that you wanted one and that you loved with fiery vulnerability. It has taught you to keep your heart open despite the outcome.

Let people see you for the imperfect human you are and I promise you, the right one will love you fiercely for it.

 

 

~

Author: Amanda Van Graan

Editor: Travis May

Photo: Flickr/leo.jeje