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May 24, 2016

Honoring your Light—Choose your Smiles Wisely.

Ismael Nieto/ Unsplash

“If you only have one smile in you, give it to the people you love.” ~ Maya Angelou

I often think of this quote because it is often the exact opposite of how I behave.

I know I am not alone in giving my smiles away to friends, to coworkers, even to strangers on the subway and I often have only tiredness and irritability left for my most cherished relationships. It seems like we are so intent on offering the best version of ourselves to the most public and least intimate spaces, that when we come home, especially to ourselves, we are stuck with just the leftovers.

Where and how we spend our energy is deeply important.

Without thoughtful and compassionate discernment we can end up giving ourselves away. The Yoga Sutras say, “When bramacharya is firmly established, great vitality is acquired.” The word bramacharaya translates to “behavior which leads to Brahman,” connection to the divine consciousness.

While for ancient yogis this meant a life of celibacy—a translation that often alienates many of us in this 21st Century—the essence of this sutra is stressing the right use of energy, which is a beautiful and necessary teaching for so many.

This sutra is a lesson in the discipline and self-compassion needed to continually chose to flow our energy in a direction that brings us closer to our understanding of the Divine.

To me, it means to remember that our energy is a precious resource, and it doesn’t have to be offered to everyone.

As a yogi who has earnestly followed teachings to tirelessly seek an open-hearted existence, this used to sound like crap.

How can I live with an open heart if I pick and choose recipients of that openness?

How can I really live in love if I only extend it to certain people?

After working through exhaustion, emotional overstimulation and chest sprain, I have learned first-hand that being too open is possible.

Discernment and openness are necessary partners in our pursuit of spiritual freedom.

Openness is not always the most loving choice, especially to ourselves. We must remember that our light also deserves honoring. Your energy also deserves honoring. Even Patanjuli agrees.

I believe we’ve all had moments of innocently lifting our own curtain to someone, and realized that it resulted in more harm than good for us.

I myself have only recently learned to say no: to additional responsibilities, to over-planning engagements, even at times to watching the news.

A few tips on protecting your light:

Learn How to Say No.

You can do it, I promise. Know that sometimes “no” is the most loving choice, and trust yourself enough to decide when that’s true.

Know How To Say Goodbye.

Before I knew how to set boundaries, I was constantly finding myself in lengthy, emotionally draining exchanges, even sometimes with strangers (I must have a welcoming face). I learned that it’s okay to stop engaging. We don’t have to ask, “How did that feel?” or “Are you okay?” if it means depleting ourselves to hold space for the answer. We can just say, “I’m sorry you feel that way. I hope you have a nice day.” and be no less loving or kind.

Stop Playing Doctor.

I grew up as the “mom” and resident therapist of my friend group—two identities that followed me to my adult years. I spent so much of my breath trying to guide loved ones away from bad decisions, and even more breath trying to explain to people how I saw their emotional pain manifesting in their life.

The long and short of this lesson is captured in a quote by Ram Dass: “The greatest thing you can do for another human being is to get your own house in order and find your true spiritual heart.”

We cannot make decisions for anyone else, or take away what hurts them. Take that energy and use it instead to seek our most divine self. The brighter our light, the more our loved ones benefit. We can’t live their journey for them.

Know What Self-Care Looks Like to You.

Do you like long baths, or wine and chats with your most trusted friends?

Do you feel better after work taking a yoga class or going home and cooking a thoughtful meal?

Does being with others charge or drain you?

What lights your fire and what quells it?

These are important questions to consider when we think about self-care. We are asked to use a lot of our energy to live in this beautiful, yet tiring world and we need to know how to fill our cups back up. Find out what that means for you and do it regularly. You don’t need an invitation to care for yourself (but if you do, consider this it).

Find Your Tribe.

We aren’t meant to live life alone. We’ve got to find our people—not just our friends, but our tribe. Our tribe will spark electricity in our soul, hold us when we need it, and check us when we are giving ourselves away. And they will do it all with love. Find those people and hold them close.

Choose Your Smiles Wisely.

The reason Maya Angelou’s quote impressed me is because I always smiled at strangers on the street—no matter what. If we made eye contact, I felt like it was my duty to bring brightness to that moment. Of course that is a beautiful thought, but I realized I was just giving myself away to anyone and everyone, and I am a limited resource.

When I finally understood that it wasn’t my job to smile, that I could just take up space being indifferent, or angry, or sad or tired, it was a small liberation for me. We don’t have to shine all the time. Let yourself experience the fluctuations of this whole “being human” thing, without guilt.

I am still learning that it is possible to hold loving space for someone, without giving my light away.

I am also still learning that it is not my responsibility to use my energy to fix everyone or to love everyone’s wounds away. I can save that energy for my own pursuits. In fact, the sutras say that we must save that energy to gain the vitality for our own ascent into freedom—which is why we’re all here, right?

Why else do we practice?

We have to honor and find our boundaries with ourselves and others, not from a space of fear, but from a space of compassionate empowerment.

Are you empowered to chose where and how you share your light?

~

Author: Andrea Stopa

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

Photo: Unsplash/Ismael Nieto 

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