I love my mom, but she’s always hassling me about my life choices. She thinks I watch too much TV, she doesn’t approve of how I eat, she’s always telling me to wash my face, and she thinks I’m too loud.

I love my mom, but I can’t stand how controlling she is. She thinks she knows what I need better than I do: how much sleep I need, what kind of books I should enjoy, who I should be friends with, and what kind of music I should listen to.

I love my mom, but our boundaries are way out of whack. She’s always asking me how often I’m brushing my teeth, whether I’ve washed my hands, whether I’m wearing underwear, and even how often I poop! And don’t get me started on religion. She nags me about praying, and then criticizes how I pray. She freaks out whenever I miss church.

Whether we’re four, 14, or 40, the complaints sound the same, don’t they?

Mothers love us unconditionally, but they also seem to criticize us eternally.

I once heard the assertion that every single thing your parents say can be translated into the statement: “I love you and I want your life to be better than mine.” As a mom, I believe it. I do love my daughter, and I do want her life to be better than mine. So how does that pure-hearted love and desire become so twisted?

Ironically, our moms often pass their fears instead of their wisdom on to us. Our moms want us to love our bodies, but instead we watch and absorb their own body hatred. Our moms want us to have happy marriages, but instead we watch and absorb their ineffective or toxic communication habits. Our moms want us to be confident and self-assured, but instead we watch and absorb their people-pleasing desperation. And so we grow up and strive not to be our mothers, causing them distress and confusion.

In their distress, our mothers try harder to be our champions. But we don’t hear that love. Our mothers urge us to eat healthy so we lose our baby weight before we’re 50, but we hear the statement: You’re fat.

Our mothers tell us about different skin care products so we stay beautiful longer, but we hear the statement: Your skin is terrible.

Our mothers tell us about interesting books so we can be entertained, but we hear the statement: Your reading choices are stupid.

Our mothers urge us to join a religious institution so we have a community, but we hear the statement: You’re going to hell.

I wish I had the answer: a solid-gold, guaranteed path to a peaceful and joyful mother-daughter relationship. At the end of the day, however, there is no one way. Our mothers will never cease striving to help us have the amazing lives that they think we deserve. Isn’t that the point of motherly love? That it is never ending? A mother never gives up on her child.

Maybe, paradoxically, that is the answer. Choosing to hear your mother as your eternal champion, even if what she cheers for is completely opposite from what you want.

But, Elaine, you’re saying, you don’t know my mom. She really is just being critical and hateful! Maybe she is. Maybe she’s abusive. Maybe she’s mentally ill. Maybe somehow, some way, that deep abiding love for you got twisted and perverted and can no longer be expressed in a healthy way. And if your mother is abusive, let her go. Just because she does (or did) love you is no reason to accept abuse.

A mother’s love is no excuse for toxicity. If the relationship is abusive, get help. Set tougher boundaries. In some cases you may need to cut off contact. You have the right to ask her to change her communication pattern. You have the right to choose your life and ask her to accept and approve of it.

The vast majority of us, however, are not dealing with abuse. We are dealing with years of history and context, years of ardent love combined with discipline, mistakes, and personal struggles. Even while our mothers are our champions, they are also our disciplinarians, our teachers, and our role models. Of course they screw up.

At the end of the day, we all have a choice:

We all “love our mom, but.” We can let the love be our focus, or the “but.”

At the end of the day, love will always be the winning choice.

 

Author: Elaine Bayless

Image: Shanna Riley/Flickr

Editor: Emily Bartran