First of all, I am aware that this person is a bitch in my story—but not in everyone’s.

I do know that the label I attach to her is a reflection of my own (wounded) experience, while others may experience her as a kind, loving and supportive person.

I am aware that there is both light and shadow in all of us—and I am also flawed.

F*cking somebody over doesn’t make us inherently bad people. Decent people occasionally let fear get the better of them—and behave badly as a consequence.

But when somebody does wrong us, we’re allowed to say so out loud.

And, goddammit, this woman has done me wrong—and she is a bitch in my story until I’m ready to rewrite it.

I do want to rewrite it—my heart is willing. But I’m just not there yet.

I want to rewrite it for my own sake—I’m not concerned about her, but my anger towards her isn’t good for me either.

This is an old story—so old, I’d forgotten it was still an issue—until a weekend retreat resurrected its memory.

Over the course of the two days, I had my first experience of Vipassana (insight) meditation. During the many sits, I felt a great deal of discomfort. I didn’t mind it—in fact, I was grateful, as I’m aware that the pain and discomfort felt during meditation is usually a repressed emotion being released.

I did not know what was being released, but I was grateful to know it was happening.

On Sunday evening, less than 10 minutes into my homeward journey, I found myself thinking about “The Bitch”—she who had stabbed me in the back to save herself. More pertinently, she whom I had not fought back against.

I allowed her to get away with it.

At the time, reeling with shock and feeling like the stuffing had been pulled out of me, I simply couldn’t muster up the wherewithal to fight back properly. And I have regretted that many times over the past decade.

I am angry at myself at least as much as I am angry at her.

In addition to Vipassana, the lovely monk leading the retreat also introduced me to a variation on Metta Bhavana (Loving Kindness meditation) that I wasn’t previously familiar with. But I love his version of the blessing and have adopted it with gusto:

“May you be safe, well and happy. May you live your life contented, in harmony with all the world.”

I practice Metta Bhavana regularly, and especially when I’m going through a difficult phase with someone.

During my drive, as I acknowledged how much anger I was still carrying around this situation, I realized I would need to send a great deal of Metta to The Bitch—in order to heal the anger I was holding towards her and towards myself.

I’m not sure if it simply never occurred to me before to bless this woman, or if I just wasn’t ready to.

But now, I’m ready to try.

I expect she will be the focus of the “difficult person” stage of my Metta for some weeks—or longer. It doesn’t matter if it takes me the rest of the year. I’m simply grateful to be aware and willing to now sit with this anger and feel it, so that I can finally release it.

I spent the long drive home sending her Metta.

“Hey Bitch, may you be safe, well and happy. May you live your life contented, in harmony with all the world.”

(Only kidding—I called her by her real name.)

I look forward to the day when the B-word slips away, along with all forms of dis-ease that I feel around this matter.

Of course, once that’s done, there’ll be someone else to bless—when I woke up this morning I remembered another bitch waiting in the background. But she’ll have to wait her turn.

 

Relephant:

From P*ssed Off to Peace of Mind: 6 Steps.

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Author: Hilda Carroll

Editor: Yoli Ramazzina

Photo: Flickr/Peyton Owen