I was recently asked what I believed to be the top three killers of relationships.

While there are tons of things that can ruin relationships, these are the top three that I believe will do it.

1. Expectation. Having a preconceived notion of what your partner should or should not be doing. We all have done it—expected our partner to clean the house, expected a certain gift to be bought for our birthday, believed they should “just know” what we wanted. While that would be awesome, it is often not the case. Our partners are not mind-readers after all.

All expectation does is lead us to disappointment—and probably a lot of miscommunication in the meantime. We get disappointed in them, they feel frustrated by us, and we think they are inconsiderate and they feel unrealistic pressure.

Drop the expectation. Tell your partner what you need and what you want, clearly and directly. Don’t assume. Ask. It will save many uncomfortable silences and time wasted being in a fight.

2. Lack of self-love. This is what I believe to be a major problem in the world, and it shows up a lot in relationships. Many people in relationships are expecting the other person to be their source of self-love when in fact “self-love” comes from the “self.” It is as though we forget that we can get that love from ourselves and we focus only on the love we are receiving (or not receiving) outside of ourselves.

It is not uncommon for people in relationships to define their worth by what their partner’s do for them. Some even define themselves by just being in a relationship—with anyone—because they are so uncomfortable being alone.

When our partners don’t show us love (often to the standards we set out for them), people who struggle with self-love start to question their own worthiness. Instead of addressing this as something they need to work on themselves, they start to act out in many different ways, including being spiteful to their partners, stonewalling, resentment or withholding love. On the flip side, they can be clingy or try to overly please their partner in an attempt to be validated. This often leads to miscommunication because the real problem and the real feelings are not being talked about.

Talk to your partner. Tell them what you feel and what you need. But more importantly, talk to yourself. Tell yourself what you need and then give it to yourself. You will thank yourself, and your partner will thank you.

3. Lack of acceptance. Not accepting our partners for exactly who they are right now and what they can give us right now.

These are the little half-lies that we believe are completely acceptable, but in fact can lead us to major heartbreak. Examples include:

“He will commit, I just need to hold out a little longer.”

“She will find me attractive once I lose 50 pounds.”

“We will stop fighting once he (or she)  gets a job…moves somewhere new…stops drinking.”

“Once we have children, we will be more committed.” 

These little lies are everywhere.

It is not uncommon for people in relationships to want to change the other person and turn them into what we believe they should be. Not accepting our partners for who they are right now is rejecting them. This causes them to not feel good enough, which can trigger so many emotions and unwanted events.

When we are not comfortable with our partners being who they are, we are also rejecting ourselves. Why are we not willing to accept them? What part of us does not want to accept the truth? It probably goes back to not feeling good enough about ourselves. And when one (or both) do not feel good enough in relationships, it is a hard slump to get out of.

Open your eyes—hear your partner, see your partner—accept them for who they are right now and love them. Do this and feel the love right now—and not just in the potential “if only, maybe it will happen” unpredictable future.

I know this because I have done all of these things, and they have all been done to me.

 

Relephant Read:

Improve Your Relationship Happiness with this Simple Practice.

 

Author: Shannon Dee

Apprentice Editor: Pavita Singh/Editor: Yoli Ramazzina

Photo: Flickr/Sophie