Dear Friend:

I have watched you date the field for a while. I have listened to your fun Tinder dates and laughed about the horrible ones. I have been silent (ish) and tried to give advice only when asked. I dispensed more hugs and held you more times than I can count, drying your tears. And part of me aches for you.

Please let me explain that I am not judging you—I ache for myself, too. I recognize myself in you: the restlessness, the constant searching, the need to always have someone there. Yet I am starting to realize something that could be of benefit to you as well. That beautiful boy with the mustache who you have the best conversations with doesn’t have the answer.

Nor does the lovely hipster with a full beard, sipping his cappuccino and admiring you with a light in his eyes as you laugh. He doesn’t have any of the answers for you (or for me for that matter). No man does. And though he will offer a temporary distraction, a relief, from being with yourself, the relief is just that, temporary.

You are the one you need to fall in love with.

I, too, craved someone else to fill my voids. Astonishingly, I realized I had never let myself take more than a month off from looking to date. It wasn’t that I always had dates—I just realized I was always looking. Always. It wasn’t my intention to be on the infinite hunt but a little tape playing in my head that said lovely things like “having someone else will prove you are lovable” and “life is better when you have a partner.” And I let myself believe the tape that played and has played all my life that I could recall.

I wasn’t trying to be desperate: I just had been told that any sense of security and love had to come from outside of myself. Specifically, from a man. So I did what any person who craves security and unconditional love does—attempt to get it. At some point, I got so tired of investing in other people and being disappointed that I decided to try and take all that energy and invest it in myself. I would feel my feelings and not use entanglements with men to distract me. Nor would I pin my sense of happiness on the next text or phone call. I would sit with all that was un-beautiful about me and it would suck but I would live through it and not abandon myself. I would be there unconditionally. For me. Like I was for everyone else that mattered to me.

I cannot sell you a fairytale ending because I don’t yet know the ending to this story. I will not tell you that I magically found love from someone else…only that I found and continue to nourish a love for me. I stopped waiting for someone to come on a white horse. I got on the horse and was like, f*ck it, I can learn to joust and slay dragons! There is a peace that comes with taking responsibility for your own happiness and knowing that no matter how many lackluster dates or ridiculous circumstances you go through, you will not abandon yourself. Putting myself first brought me that peace.

I have learned and continue to learn how to soothe myself, to heal my wounds, and to bring joy in my life. I am far from perfect at self-love but like any new endeavor, I practice until I improve. Currently, I try to look at myself with curiosity rather than judgment and love all that is light and shine that light into my dark crevices. Where shame was, a sense of acceptance slowly comes forth. Self-derision makes way for empathy and kindness.

My friend, I wish for you to know how infinitely lovely and loved you are. I desire for you the peace that comes with accepting yourself and I hope you find the unconditional love you search for. Don’t look too far.

 

 

 

~

Author: Lisa Manca

Editor: Travis May

Image: Pixabay