There are many challenges inherent in single parenting.

As single parents, we are solely responsible for the day-to-day care of our children. We don’t have a partner with whom to share our worries or daily struggles. We also don’t have a partner to share our joy when our children learn something new or master a new developmental task. When we’re frustrated, there’s no one to step in to allow us a break.

Often, we play the role of both mother and father and do what we can to build up a stronger social support made up of friends and family to help balance the absence of another parent in the household. We do the best that we can to take care of our children, and still we often have to endure the criticism of others for not doing more or not providing our children with a “stable” family.

When I filed for divorce, my children were 2 years old and 7 months old. I had recently quit my job to be a stay at home mom, and my only income was from direct sales, which I struggled with because of an innate shyness. I made the decision for many reasons, but my children’s best interests were at the heart of it all. It was a courageous decision in light of my lack of income, but I feel that I have been rewarded in so many ways.

I relocated to a good school district (which will be important in a year or two), started a new career and learned how to balance my need to work with my desire to spend as much time with my children as possible. In the last year of single parenting, I feel like I’m finally hitting my stride. We’ve adjusted to our new family structure, and we seem to be thriving.

Recently, I’ve found myself trying to explain my parenting style to someone with a “spare the rod, spoil the child” approach to parenting. Honestly, it was an exercise in frustration when this person already isn’t open to even hearing about other approaches.

I have chosen to practice mindful parenting. My goal as a parent is to have happy, well-adjusted children who feel both loved and supported, who have excellent manners and practice good coping skills, who can communicate effectively and feel connected to our world and the people in it. With this goal in mind, I’m drawn to the mindful parenting approach.

Mindful parenting for other parents may look different. Here are a few ways in which I’ve incorporated the mindful life into how I raise my children, to come up with a style of mindful parenting that works for us:

 

Mindful Living:

When the weather allows, my children will ask to go on “nice long walks”. I’ll get out their wagon or double stroller, pack a picnic lunch or snacks and we’ll walk all over town.

We’re fortunate to live in a beautiful area filled with antebellum homes, lovely gardens and a town that prides itself on well-groomed lawns, homes and businesses. We choose a direction from our home, and we take a nice long walk. Along the way, I talk to my children about using their listening ears to hear different sounds in our environment. I remind them to look all around for small animals we often see on our walk. I take the time to stop and allow them to smell flowers or feel the texture of a leaf or pine cone or acorn. We spend the walk talking about our senses and making an effort to stay in the present moment. I rarely talk on the phone or listen to music—It’s all about practicing mindfulness, and my children look forward to these walks and greet them with enthusiasm.

We bring this mindfulness practice to other areas of our lives as well. When I give them their plates at meal times, we talk about all the different colors and textures of our food. During the day, I often bring their attention to their senses and talk about it with them. For me, this helps me practice mindfulness, and it teaches my children to learn how to enjoy all the small things that make up our lives.

 

Modeling:

A big part of mindful parenting is modeling the behaviors that we want our children to learn.

That’s why I strive to have a peaceful household where we don’t yell, spank or do any behavior that I would not want my children to replicate. Also, I try to be respectful to my children in order to teach them how to be respectful to me and others in their lives. This is how I’ve taught them such excellent manners.

They have learned “yes, ma’am”, “no, ma’am”, “please”, “thank you”, “you’re welcome”, and “excuse me” because I use them regularly. I try to be conscious of the words that I use because I know that toddlers are prone to repeating things. There are a couple of times I’ve had to fight a laugh when my daughter says “son of a biscuit!”

I feel grateful in those moments that I found a way to modify that expression before she repeated the original form. It’s also a good reminder that my children are always watching and learning from what I do.

 

Gentle Parenting:

As a mindful parent, I choose to practice aspects of gentle parenting. I do utilize time out and other consequences, but I first try to listen, understand and redirect when it comes to correcting behavior.

I have chosen to forego spanking as a consequence, although I was raised this way. It can be a challenge to parent in a way that we weren’t taught, but I try to keep in mind that I’m parenting in the way that feels right for me and my family. I’m not trying to please anyone else. I am trying to teach natural consequences and to allow my children to feel heard, understood and validated in the process of learning how to behave well.

 

Yoga/Meditation:

This is my next mindful parenting challenge. I’m an intermediate student of yoga—I’ve practiced it off and on since college, and in many ways I still consider myself a beginner. I’m not a very flexible person, and I’ve yet to successfully manage a headstand or any other complicated yoga pose.

I do, however, love yoga and meditation, and I’ve benefited so much from incorporating these into my life. My next parenting challenge, as a mindful parent, is to help my toddlers learn to practice with me. I’m planning to incorporate a very brief meditation time and a short yoga practice. This feels important to me because I want my children to have a variety of coping skills in their arsenal as they grow up, and I want them to be able to self-soothe. I also feel like yoga and meditation are ways to teach self-discipline.