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August 27, 2016

I Will Never Forget how she Held Me: the Captivating Power of Healing Touch.

Courtesy of Author, Catherine Hummel

I’ve always found touch to be a powerful tool for healing. 

I had nightmares a lot as a child, and right up to age 14 I would go into my parents’ room, wake my mom up, and lie next to her to fall asleep.

I won a life-size teddy bear during a holiday season raffle, and at 16 would still be curled up inside it, my head on its legs (it was so big it filled my queen-size bed).

My high school friends and I would hold hands walking through the halls, spoon each other during sleepovers and always hug each other. Never sexual, but all of us connected to our bodies in ownership of our sensuality, and we really loved each other.

Despite all of the trauma I have experienced, which includes multiple sexual assaults and abuse, I am grateful that I’ve always been open to healing touch.

Three years ago, I experienced the most devastating breakup of my life. You know, the one where you can’t imagine living without this person and your heart hurts so much you swear you need to be hospitalized.

This breakup may also save your life. This one saved mine.

To heal from this breakup, I had to save myself. And I did. I got fierce in my self-love and self-care. I claimed my life, because I knew I didn’t want to go down in flames or give one person all of this power.

During a break up, I think one of the hardest things is missing our partner’s touch. We miss the comfort of falling asleep next to someone, of always having someone there who will hold our hand, of the hugs when we get home from work.

I don’t know much about Tantra, so I’m not going to try to pretend like I do, but here’s what I do know: I attended a women-only Tantra circle during the time of this breakup, and one of the women in the circle offered me the greatest gift of my life.

I was missing my ex. I was lonely. I just wanted to be touched.

There was a group of us, maybe no more than 16 women. We sat in two circles; the inner circle faced out, and the outer circle faced in, each of us always directly in front of one other woman. We moved around the circle doing a variety of different exercises. During one of the last ones, I found myself facing a woman who was maybe in her late 40s. I’ll never forget her soft glow and her wild blonde hair. We sat facing each other, total strangers.

The prompt is for me to ask her for something. It could be anything. I look at her and say, in such vulnerability I surprise myself, “Will you touch my face?”

Craving to be seen, held, acknowledged.

She opens at my vulnerability, her eyes wide and she cocks her head to the side and takes one hand to my cheek; the other hand begins to move from the top of my head through my hair. I close my eyes and begin to cry.

She is loving me. This total stranger. It feels like a mother to a daughter, and yet at the same time, it is the love of two women, equals. Love dancing, like it does, both giving and receiving. What feels like a lifetime of course ends in just two minutes and she pulls back and we hold hands for another moment, sitting in this love.

How many of us spend our life never asking for what we need?

How many bodies are just craving to be touched? And why can’t we touch each other?

This is not about sexuality, but sensuality. This is about connection. True, respectful, authentic connection. I experienced more intimacy in that moment with a stranger than I had up until that point in any of my sexual experiences. How many women will go their whole lives never experiencing gentleness? I hope more will have this:

Intimacy.
Sensuality.
Connection.
Openness.
The gift of being human.

May we always touch each other.
May we feel worthy of gentle, loving touch.
May we ask for what we need.
May we give.
May we receive.
Love.
Love.
Love.

~

Author: Catherine Hummel

Image: Courtesy of Author // ePi.Longo/Flickr

Editor: Toby Israel

~

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