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September 9, 2016

If you Don’t Love Me by Now—You Never Will.

Author's own: Kate Rose

“They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.” ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

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Sometimes we reach a point of no return—the final level of a game that we’ve been working on and strategizing for years.

That’s not to say either of us are “players,” but only that we’ve made our fair share of mistakes—or lessons, depending upon perspective.

We were the safest kind of danger, in a world where the very things we want are also those we are taught we should never have.

There were times when I would sit and wonder who exactly I was to you—but not this time.

Not in this round…

This time, the only thought I have is—if you don’t love me by now, then you honestly never will.

It’s not to say that I’m apathetic, but only that I’m not after winning your affections.

Looking back, I didn’t conduct myself in a way to please you every minute, nor did I really do anything in particular, other than simply be myself I suppose. 

I realized that—if after all we’ve been through, encountered, discussed—if after all of that history, you still hadn’t fallen in love with me…well, then nothing else I did or said would make a difference.

Was I hoping that you would fall in love with me enough to want to take a chance? Of course.

But I wasn’t trying to make it happen, nor did I spend a great deal of time thinking about it. I figured that if your emotions had become as strong as your passions, then perhaps someday you would let me in on all the secrets that your heart held—and until then, there’s nothing else I could possibly do to change that fact.

I’ve realized that whatever you felt for me would be there, regardless of anything I did or said, because when it’s that real, can’t-quit-it-no-matter-what-we-do type of love, then it’s there forever.

It’s the kind that sticks through anything, even when maybe all we want it to do is go away.

I suppose I just started to believe that the only love I want is also the one that I won’t ever have to work for. I don’t want to have to primp in order to be found sexy, nor do I want to watch what I say, so that I only ever seem funny and cheerful—really, I don’t want to have to do anything.

When someone falls in love with me, I want it to be for me—because of the woman am.

I want him to recognize the sound of my footsteps long before he sees my face.

I want him to be able to make a mile-long list of all of my faults—and then say that he doesn’t love me in spite of them, but because of them.

I want him to love that I am crazy and different—and that I can rarely be found wearing shoes (or underwear for that matter).

I want him to love me because I still love fruit loops and popsicles, not because I pretend to only enjoy high-end delicacies that adults are supposed to crave.

What I’ve learned is the only kind of love that actually does last forever is also the one that can’t be controlled. I will never spend one second trying to talk someone into why they should love me, because if they can’t see those reasons for themselves, then they most certainly are not the one for me.

I want a man who understands that when I place a stone in his palm—one I’ve found while away and thinking of him—there’s no highest honor.

For it’s not those gifts that I buy, but those small shells and stones that I come across and bring home that truly are the gifts from my heart.

The thing is, there is nothing that I could do, say or even give you to make you fall in love with me—but, there is also nothing in the world that can prevent you from doing just that.

We can control every aspect of our lives; we can even control our minds through meditation and hard work—but the one aspect, the one thing in this entire world we can’t control is our hearts.

We can’t make them fall for the convenient option—and we also can’t make them stop loving the wrong choice.

We can try, we can pretend, and we can even move away from them—but if it’s real, and if that’s forever kind of thing—then all of it will be in vain.

So I don’t know if you love me or not.

I do know that I’ve felt love from you—in your touch and in your kiss—but even I acknowledge that doesn’t truly mean you are in love with me.

Now it seems you are moving far away from me—and the world we always seemed to create, which was separate from everyone else and their expectations—and that’s okay.

Perhaps it’s because I was just a really good f*ck—or maybe I was just fun and different and made for a really delicious summer fling. If all of that is true, then that’s wonderful, because I had a perfect summer with you, and I fondly remember all the moments by your side.

But—that may also be the biggest lie you’ve ever told yourself, because the truth is: you may be in love with me.

Perhaps you finally let your walls down enough to see what was there all along, and maybe it was just too much to take—or at the very least to take action upon.

So who knows how you truly feel—my only hope is that someday, you will know.

There is a lot of life left, so ultimately I can’t say what will end up happening between us…but the only thing I do know for certain is that if you don’t love me by now—then you never will.

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Author: Kate Rose

Image: Author’s own.

Editor: Yoli Ramazzina

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