We had 100 jello red/blue jello shots for our election party. When a state was called, we shot the loser’s color and put the winner on the map. This is what it looked like after Ohio was called.

~

It’s election season, and I’m freaking out.

I don’t think I’m alone; according to a recent Pew Research poll, most voters report feeling “frustrated” and “disgusted” with the presidential campaigns.

While this feels like it could be the most important presidential election in recent history, letting the news overwhelm us isn’t productive.

Below are five coping strategies for surviving this election season:

Meditate. If you want to emerge from this election season with your sanity intact, you have no choice but to meditate the sweet fancy fuck out of it.

I suggest starting with a “meditating through difficulties” meditation. Begin in a comfortable position, and focus on something pleasant that has nothing to do with the election. Let the full, warm energy of not the election wash over you. Now, shift your attention to the election and how terrible everything is. After gently lingering in the awfulness of it all, turn your attention back to not the election. Soak in the positivity that has absolutely nothing to do with the 2016 United States presidential election. Now, while keeping most of your attention on the opposite of the election, allow yourself to also think a little bit about this horrific election. This technique will train your body that there is space for both the apocalyptic nature of this election and the unshakeable goodness of everything unrelated to the election.

Masturbate. After meditation, the next best technique to help you shed election season stress is furious masturbation. Build a cozy masturbation nest and make sweet love to yourself until inauguration day. Self-pleasure releases tension and produces the feel-good hormone, oxytocin. The brief body-shuddering euphoria of orgasm will give you the strength you need to keep going through this nasty election.

Warning: Do not allow thoughts of the election or candidates intrude—especially the racist, misogynistic one who appears to have been borne from the rectum of a Cheeto—while masturbating. Doing so will only add severe sexual frustration and/or deep shame to the pervasive feeling of disbelief brought about by this race. However, it is okay, and perhaps encouraged, to think about previous presidential candidates, including current leaders, and leaders of countries that lie directly north of the United States, to hasten climax.

Memories. If you emerge from your masturbatory cocoon still rife with anxiety over the election, you might want to look to the past for comfort as you scrub the crusty coating of ejaculate from your body. Remember, we’ve survived prior presidents, such as George W. Bush, whose cowboyish antics and vacuous gaze seems rather charming by comparison to his party’s current candidate.

Munch. With Halloween on our doorstep, it’s the perfect time of year to tamp down unsavory emotions with overeating. Grab a full-sized Snickers bar or three and let the chocolaty, nougat-laden goodness fill your mouth and take you back to brighter times, such as 2008. Consider incorporating any or all of the previous three tips into your sugar binge.

Migrate/Marry. If all else fails and our worst fears are realized in November, there is little left to do but wipe the chocolate from your brow and migrate to Canada. There are plenty of gracious Canadian souls willing to marry American post-election refugees. Rest assured knowing you will enjoy the benefits of universal health care, clean air, and widespread access to Poutine.

 

Author: Lynn Shattuck

Image: via Imgur

Editor: Catherine Monkman