August 30, 2008

A Running Diary of My Day at the DNC (Oh, and God Hates Democrats).

Today while 74,000 people bask in the aftermath of Obama’s historic speech (I realize the importance of it all but I’m not sure I’m ready to call it historic—my breakfast too belongs to history—let’s wait ’til November and see how things shake out) I recount my failed attempt to take part in…um, the historic event.     

8:00 am  No ticket to the future historic speech

8:17  Still no ticket to the future historic speech

9:00  Not enough money in my bank account to buy a ticket to the future historic speech even if there was a euro sign next to my account balance.

11:30  Pick up my son Michael from kindergarten. I ask him who he’s voting for: McCain or Obama. “I’m voting for Hillary,” he says. I tell him Hillary lost to Obama—it’s either Obama or McCain; Hillary wants you to vote for Obama. “I’m still voting for Hillary.”  Some people just can’t let go. 

12:18 p.m.  After dropping Michael off at my parents, I head for the convention. My plan is to go to Mile High and catch the ‘God Hates Democrats’ rally sponsored by the Westboro Baptist Church…If there’s going to be any action this is where it’s going to be. If I don’t see arrests, dousings of pepper spray, or billy club toting providers of peace and tranquility bashing heads I’ll be disappointed. 

12:55  Arrive…miles from Invesco, somewhere off Federal Boulevard. I hear sirens.  Good sign. I begin my walk.

1:20  Walking

1:34  Still walking. It’s getting hot. I left my water bottle in the car.

1:40  I made it!  But… you can’t get within shouting distance of Mile High, not even if you had a voice like the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Jr.

1:42  I join the exodus. I notice I’m the only one without a credential—this doesn’t stop me. The scene resembles a small country on national holiday. If McCain wins the election maybe he could take it over—I hope he doesn’t tear down the bronco; everyone is in a jovial mood. I’m getting thirsty.  

1:47  Up ahead a sign for bottled water—only two dollars. 

 1:48  Water in hand, my wallet at home, I give the water back. “A man’s gotta make a living,” he says.

1:55  I must be doing something right in this world, karma of karmas; they’re giving out free water—it’s wrapped in an edition of Discovery News. My first hand out since the Bush incentive package. Who says Republicans don’t care?  

2:01  I look at the paper. Discovered: Sodom and Gomorrah, reads one headline followed by a picture with the caption: Cities destroyed by burning sulfur pellets.

2:03  I’m handed a package of ‘Protect Yourself from John McCain’ condoms. I immediately look to the skies for burning sulfur pellets. 

2:06   I admit to myself that I’m addicted to free stuff. I’ll take anything as long as it’s free, no matter how crappy it is. I’m not alone, half of Boulder feeds themselves on Whole Foods samples. Cinnamon and sugar nachos anyone?

2:10  I’m beginning to hallucinate that I’m interviewing the leader of ‘God Hates Democrats.’

Me:  May I ask you some questions.

Him:  Who do you write for? 

Me:  It’s for a blog at the Elephant Journal.

Him:  Elephant, as in Republicans? 

Me:  Uh, yeah, sure.

Him:  God smiles on you my son.

Me:  Thank you Sir. Do you have any Democrats in your congregation?

Him:  Of course not. Monica Goodling used to moonlight for us, tho now she’s full time.

Me:  What do you have against the Democrats?

Him:  Other than the fags and baby killers?  Why, not a thing.

Me:  Can a Democrat go to heaven?

Him:  Not unless heaven bends over.

Me:  You sound like a mighty fine Christian, Sir.

Him:  God Damn right I am.

2:20  I’m brought back to reality by a red-haired kid hawking free dog tags. On my knees with the rest of the horde, I snag one from a 60-something women wearing a stars and stripes top hat.

 2:27  They’ve routed us down a steep embankment covered in gravel. A women in high heels curses. Her husband’s halfway down to the bottom.

2:28  An older women falls. Five people rush to help her up.

2:50  The end of the road. People stand in line waiting to have their creditials checked.  They wear a look of relief on their faces something l imagine like the Jews must have looked after the parting of the Red Sea. I wonder if they know God hates Democrats. I don’t have the heart to tell them.


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