Zen Small Talk…via Will Heinrich.

Via Waylon Lewis
on Aug 9, 2008
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by WILL HEINRICH AUGUST 5, 2008 The New York World

When someone asks, “How’s it going?” answer, “As the necessary consequence of previous actions!” While they attain satori, make your escape.

If someone asks, “What’s new?” spread apart your hands and answer, “Everything!” with a creepy grin. If the creepy grin doesn’t work, try adding, “And also, nothing!” and tapping them on the nose.

If someone asks, “How’s it going?” answer, “How isn’t it going?” (cf: “What isn’t new,” “What time isn’t it,” “How isn’t it hanging,” etc.)

If someone asks, “What’s going on?” say, “What, indeed,” and then deliver a full and complete lecture on the doctrine of dependent origination.

If a clerk asks, “How can I help you?” demand to know, “Where was my face before I was born?” This becomes more effective the louder you shout.

When someone says, “Hey, it’s nice to see you, Ted!” try visualizing them as a rotting corpse full of maggots.

A well-timed non sequitur can often jog someone into higher awareness. When someone asks, “How’ve you been?” try replying, “Get out of my way!” In reply to “My best to you and your family,” say, “Is that my tie? Where did you get it?”

When someone says, “Good morning,” reply, “Bad . . . evening,” with a creepy, exaggerated wink. If that doesn’t work, try standing on your head.

If someone demands to know, “What’s the matter with you?” say, “What, indeed,” and then deliver a full and complete lecture on the Four Noble Truths.

Try tapping someone on the shoulder and saying, “You’re standing on my foot.” When they look down and say, “No, I’m not,” nod vigorously and say, “Think about it!”

When someone asks, “Which way is Varick Street?” slap them briskly across the face. While they attain satori, make your escape. (NB: Escape quickly.)



About Waylon Lewis

Waylon Lewis, founder of elephant magazine, now elephantjournal.com & host of Walk the Talk Show with Waylon Lewis, is a 1st generation American Buddhist “Dharma Brat." Voted #1 in U.S. on twitter for #green two years running, Changemaker & Eco Ambassador by Treehugger, Green Hero by Discovery’s Planet Green, Best (!) Shameless Self-Promoter at Westword's Web Awards, Prominent Buddhist by Shambhala Sun, & 100 Most Influential People in Health & Fitness 2011 by "Greatist", Waylon is a mediocre climber, lazy yogi, 365-day bicycle commuter & best friend to Redford (his rescue hound). His aim: to bring the good news re: "the mindful life" beyond the choir & to all those who didn't know they gave a care. elephantjournal.com | His first book, Things I would like to do with You, is now available.


One Response to “Zen Small Talk…via Will Heinrich.”

  1. […] how do you know lightness if you do not know darkness? Let us look into the Zen concept of “satori“: Satori may be defined as an intuitive looking into the nature of things in […]