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January 16, 2009

“Bow Down at once to Social Progress.” The U.N. goes Nuclear [The Onion]

While climbing today at the Spot, I picked up a local college paper, The Onion, and read about this devastating development. Apparently the U.N.—sick of having its ardent efforts toward world peace ignored, has installed a nuclear device just shy of its NYC headquarters, only about 20 feet from its famous Gandhi statue. Read allaboudit. Except:

NEW YORK—The United Nations, a highly organized governing body bent on world peace, has obtained a nuclear warhead and intends to use the dangerous device to pursue its radical human rights agenda, sources reported Monday.

News of the nuclear weapon first surfaced late last week when the United Nation’s own watchdog group, the International Atomic Energy Agency, released startling new satellite photos of the uranium-based device. Shortly thereafter, U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon issued a short and brazen list of demands, calling on all nations to “bow down at once to social progress.”

“Tremble before the awesome might of this cooperative assembly of appointed representatives,” said Ban, boldly holding a stack of diplomatic resolutions in his hand. “At last, when the United Nations calls for the development of more sustainable agricultural practices, the world at large will listen.”…read the rest at The Onion.

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