Feeling sexy is one of the most highly coveted forms of self-confidence that we can experience. So desired is the feeling of being desirable, most major advertising firms use this motivation to sell us everything from toothpaste to soft drinks to cars.  And yet acquiring the products has little correlation to the spark that ignites in us when we are feeling ourselves, being ourselves and are fully confident in our sex appeal.

Remember the times when you crossed the street in your pajamas to get the paper and just strutted with the arousal you knew you were exuding? Or at other times, when you returned home sweaty and with messy hair after a workout class but are still immersed in your own attraction? Compare this to the times when we spend hours perfecting our makeup, straightening or curling our hair, taking the tag off of a ridiculously expensive dress, and yet, sexy is still hiding. The self-conscious has taken over.

Lacking sexual self-confidence is one of the biggest libido killers and surprisingly affects both men and women. Many studies name insecurity about body image, weight or general appearance as one of the top distractions in our ability to enjoy sex. For even more people these are the same insecurities that step between them and the confidence that allows them to explore and exude their sex appeal.

Feeling sexy is different than feeling horny or lusty. It is the difference between savoring fine foods and eating ravenously. Sexiness can sneak up on you and also mysteriously slip away. Catching a glimpse of oneself on the way out the door and then an hour later at the mall often bears no resemblance to each other. Feeling sexy comes from a state of mind, which is linked to the idea of sex, but not necessarily tied to the need to have it.

The elusive feeling of sexy derives from the ease of being oneself. It is more often reflected in our posture or tone of voice than in our cleavage, skirt length or pant waist.  It is as universal as our sexual identity can get; as it impacts and informs both genders and all sexual orientations. Despite our youth obsessed images, it generally transcends age. Feeling sexy is fundamentally about owning ourselves. It is the magical comfort of being at home in ourselves that turns ordinary moments into what is most sexy- full presence.

Invite sexiness in to your life and your partnership by finding ways to befriend yourself. Give up gazing in unfamiliar mirrors and find places and people who reflect the best part of yourself. Sexiness is there living in all of us, it just might not look like an advertisement or come dancing out in high heels.