Being My Own Valentine.

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This year, as in most years, I am my own Valentine…

My heart is crooked. It isn’t pink, or red, or trimmed with lace like the boxes of cheap candy you see everywhere this time of year. Mine is all different colors, and lays a little bit off to the side like a dog’s cocked head when they look at you as if to ask a question. It was shaped by human hands, with love, and care, and imperfection. I bought it for myself as a Valentine’s Day present.

This isn’t a mopey “I hate Valentine’s Day” story. It isn’t a “Ten Steps to a Happy Valentine’s Day for Singles” story either. It’s just a little peek into the ways I’ve chosen to love myself in the last few days.

I’ve been writing. Inspired by a self-help book, I started writing a manual for my future someday partner titled “How to Romance Me.” On that list are things like “bring music into my life” and, “understand that sometimes I need to write things down in order to think” and, “give me inexpensive, thoughtful gifts… if you give me gifts at all.”

And, “tell me, when you see beauty and uniqueness in the natural world that makes you think of me.” That one is inspired by true events. It has really happened, once or twice.

When I closed the cover on the thirty-item list, the thought occurred to me… why wait for someone else to romance me? Why not give myself those gifts, regularly? I inadvertently wrote a “How to Romance Myself” manual.

Since then, I’ve been bringing music into my own life. I’ve been going to live shows. I’ve been giving myself the gift of a fully charged iPod when I wake up each morning, and I’ve sat in the car at the end of my too-short-for-once commute just to listen to the last words of a song–even if it’s a song with the lyric “so hot we’ll melt your Popsicle” instead of something more highbrow. I find myself repeatedly drawn to non-practicing musicians. After a recent short-lived fling with a practicing one, I realized perhaps I should learn how to play music myself instead of repeatedly placing myself in the presence of players. Now, I am inviting the universe to help me decide between a guitar and a mandolin for my next fling.

I’ve been giving myself thoughtful, inexpensive gifts. In addition to giving myself the gift of my crooked little heart, I bought myself a pendant that reads “I am here to live aloud.” Because I am. And I do. And on the rare occasion that I need to be reminded of that, this does the trick. I’m going to treat myself to a mug with a crooked heart on it, to remind me every day when I savor the simple pleasure of my coffee or wisdom of my tea, that even when I don’t have a partner to move through the world with, my life is full of love.

I’ve been moving my body in ways that remind me how lucky I am to have it. I’m a climber, but I’ve been on the sofa since last fall. Last weekend I enjoyed a blissful day under the winter sun out at an unexpectedly warm, unusually quiet crag, gazing out over the Columbia River valley. I was with one of my best friends and her little dog, and while I don’t really put much stock in the existence of “perfection,” that day challenged my non-belief. It was one of the most beautiful days I can remember. Today, after spending last night bouldering with dear friends, my skin is raw, my knuckles wounded, my muscles stretched and tight. Whether alone or with partners, climbing reminds me of some of the parts of myself that I love the most. It lets me feel my own strength, and marvel at the intensity of my own potential energy.

(Photo: Dustin Butcher)

I’ve been spending time with my most loving female friends, and with the men who help me maintain my belief in the potential goodness of the opposite sex. Tonight is movie night and comfort food with my sister and a couple of the other women who have become sisters to me. I am blessed to have some man friends who call me “darlin’.” Even though you are not mine, when you call me “darlin’,” or “beautiful,” or “sunshine,” it renews my faith that good men are out there and that someday, perhaps, I will find one for myself.

If I can find a restorative yoga class, that’s where I’ll be for the evening of Valentine’s Day proper. I will wear a favorite sweater, as a reminder that I am capable of keeping myself warm.

And maybe someday I won’t be solo for Valentine’s Day. Or maybe Valentine’s Day is just a chance for me to remember that–whether alone or with someone else–I am capable of being my own true love.

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Sara Lingafelter

Sara Lingafelter is a writer, climber and chronic optimist based in Seattle, WA. By day, she works in social media in the outdoor industry. In her free time, she’s the girl behind and Two Egg Breakfast and recently launched a new project with Teresa Bruffey called Solo In Tandem to call bullshit on the prevailing notion in sports and outdoor that only extreme athleticism is inspirational. For more information, visit or connect with Sara via @theclimbergirl on Twitter.

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anonymous Mar 6, 2012 8:39pm

[…] […]

anonymous Aug 2, 2011 5:04pm

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anonymous Feb 15, 2011 11:57am

Really beautiful. and thought provoking writing Sara!

anonymous Feb 15, 2011 1:03am

Thank you for these words!

    anonymous Feb 15, 2011 8:57am

    You are welcome, Carolina… have a wonderful day today!

anonymous Feb 14, 2011 11:52pm

Well spoken…kudos on being brave enough to open up this side of your heart for the world to see! I hope someone comes along in your life that doesn't need that manual to truly connect with you. 🙂 And happy Valentine's Day!

anonymous Feb 14, 2011 10:59pm

I so resonate with this. I have gone through a very similar journey. At about the same age you are at, I went through a profound spiritual awakening and began taking notes that were flowing to me (funny, I typed that as "tome," and it did turn into quite a tome). Over 400 pages came to me when I asked "How can I find my soulmate and really get love right, finally?!"

The key, as we all know, is to love ourselves unconditionally, truly, madly, deeply, wildly, passionately, compassionately, to become in love – with life. To BE our own soulmate, above all.

I spent 3 years and 3 months following the advice that came to me in that inspired divine dictation period. I am happy to report that today, 17 years later, I have been not just happily but joyously – joy! us!ly – married to my Twin Flame soulmate for 13 years. And it just gets better and better every day.

I share quite a bit of the practices that helped me manifest this lasting love in my book and programs because, now it's my turn to pay it forward and help others hit the love jackpot, too. Anyone interested can check it all out at: Free ebooks, teleseminars, all kinds of resources on conscious living and loving…

I send you bright blessings and blissings on your journey of love and life.
You are embodying that self-love and that's beautiful.
We all have to learn to find the love of our life, by finding the love IN our life first!

You are a wonderful writer!


    anonymous Feb 15, 2011 8:44am

    Thank you so much, Sage… I appreciate your kindness! And, I love hearing stories of hope. I spent my 20s in a comfortable stasis and my 30s have been about the hard knocks of learning to love myself alone. I wouldn't change a thing, and look forward to a ton more learning to come.

    Thank you, and have a lovely day!

anonymous Feb 14, 2011 10:34pm

Stacey, next time I'm in Georgia, I'll come say hello. 🙂 Thank you for your kind words!

Erin, you are welcome, and thank you. Be kind to yourself!

The postscript… I kept my promise to myself, and went to yoga tonight. My chest is light, and my heart feels open. One of my best friends and climbing partners is going to loan me her second guitar… so it looks like the guitar / mandolin decision is made for the time being.

So much love received today… from outside and inside. Good night!

anonymous Feb 14, 2011 9:25pm

what a lovely post! love the thread of gentleness. as a restorative yoga teacher you are welcome in my classes any time 🙂

anonymous Feb 14, 2011 8:10pm

thank you..I needed this

anonymous Feb 14, 2011 3:15pm

Barry… Thank you for the comment and the love on the post! I will be thinking about you two tomorrow, and wishing you both all the best. Yes… take good care of Jackie, AND take good care of yourself.

anonymous Feb 14, 2011 1:33pm

That was really good Sara, made me think about how I need to make sure and care for myself so I can care for my wife.

And I hope you have a lovely Valentines Day!

anonymous Feb 13, 2011 10:46pm

[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by wude72 and Sara Lingafelter, Les Elephants. Les Elephants said: How to be your own Valentine #elej […]