Via Zoe Schiffer
on Jan 24, 2012
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Photo: Mil8, Flickr Creative Commons

Why have (boy)friends when there is (lovely) technology?

I understand that the United States is a little slow on the subject of marital rights and whatnot, but I simply cannot fathom what is taking it so long in regards to sanctioning the matrimony between man and phone.

iPhone, to be specific.

You see, even my grandma bit the bullet and forked over $500 for her new beloved, and that is certainly more than she has spent on her real husband as of late—I assure you. Being stuck in the throes of post-technological bliss (read: iPhone 2. Shudder…) I was a little slower than some in understanding the necessity for constant iPhone upgrade. Why get the iPhone 4, when your iPhone 3 works perfectly well, right?

Ignorant fool.

Getting the new iPhone is much like searching for the perfect lover: Although your old one might be nice, when a better (but similar) upgrade comes along, you simply cannot wallow in mediocrity any longer, knowing what it is that you’re missing. Which brings me to my next point.

The iPhone (insert 4 or 4s here) is not so much a phone as it is a replacement for a significant other. This is not a new revelation; many a sad single woman realized long ago the significant similarity between what a man could give her (read: confidence, entertainment, sex) and what an iPhone can (read, all of the above. Plus angry birds). The thing even vibrates! I mean, come on. I was fully sold on the merits of exclusivity with my iPhone until just three short days ago when the unthinkable happened, and I was betrayed, dumped, and rejected by my iLove, left alone with just PTSD and a blank screen to show for my sorrows. That’s right, my iPhone broke. And in the wake of such horrifying loss, you know the only thing I could think of to do? That’s right, call—obviously not from my own phone—my effing real ex boyfriend, to come over and help me fix the damn thing,

I think it’s now officially an iEx.

So here I am, back at square one, with not even my loyal iPhone to distract me from my woes. When I get the money, I will surely be skipping on over to the apple store to purchase the new iPhone 800 (money not being a thing of the foreseeable future) and saying those fateful words to me sleek, flat screened little love: iDo.


About Zoe Schiffer

Zoe Schiffer grew up in the lush southern coast of California, where she began writing and reading voraciously at an early age. Her love of traveling has brought her all over the world, and it is a passion she still obtains, though currently tethered down in the Washington area by Seattle University, where she is in her second year. A student of yoga, she takes her practice on the road as often as possible, always trying to gain new experience (and writing material) through travel and adventure.


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