Now accepting applications for Girlfriend.

Via Waylon Lewis
on May 16, 2012
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waylon sturman

Whether you’re in a relationship or not, whether you’re happy alone or miserable together, or vice versa…we’re all lonely. As Lily Tomlin put it, “We’re all in this Alone, Together.”

What is the longing for love rooted in, if not a futile, insecure, confused quest for completion? Is this longing I feel, possibly in and of itself, as Pema Chodron says, the raw open wounded heart of basic human goodness? Is loneliness our only inheritance? Is she out there?

After a rough relationship a year or so back, I’ve kept mostly to myself. I’ve only gone out with…maybe six Ladies in three years, and none of those made it past a few months.

I’m tough to go out with. I’m picky. So are you, too, I hope. I’m outgoing, but inwardly focused on workaholicness to the point that folks make jokes about my being in a relationship with my laptop.

I’ve first dated a fair amount, but rarely gone on second or third dates. I don’t want casual anything—it might sound fun, but what I really want is a friend. A match. A partner in my busy-ness, in my joy, in my sadness, in my dog hikes and morning meditation and lunches downtown.

And, a partner in spaciousness.


Now accepting applications for Girlfriend.

Must be:
1) beautiful,
2) sane,
3) independent*
4) loving,
5) have an infinite tolerance for my being focused on working all the time, ie my being frustratingly ADD about actual real life, ie I am incredibly boring.
6) sane.

My qualifications:

1) um…

2) …I have an awesome dog.


*(ambitious/devoted to greater good)


Relephant bonus: Eye of the Tiger Silliness with Robert Sturman.


About Waylon Lewis

Waylon Lewis, founder of elephant magazine, now & host of Walk the Talk Show with Waylon Lewis, is a 1st generation American Buddhist “Dharma Brat." Voted #1 in U.S. on twitter for #green two years running, Changemaker & Eco Ambassador by Treehugger, Green Hero by Discovery’s Planet Green, Best (!) Shameless Self-Promoter at Westword's Web Awards, Prominent Buddhist by Shambhala Sun, & 100 Most Influential People in Health & Fitness 2011 by "Greatist", Waylon is a mediocre climber, lazy yogi, 365-day bicycle commuter & best friend to Redford (his rescue hound). His aim: to bring the good news re: "the mindful life" beyond the choir & to all those who didn't know they gave a care. | His first book, Things I would like to do with You, is now available.


79 Responses to “Now accepting applications for Girlfriend.”

  1. barb says:

    Just this evening a friend mentioned that love is like a fart, if you have to put too much effort into it… It's probably shit. It will come when it is time. Be patient, grasshopper.

  2. elephantjournal says:

    Amen. Fave comment yet. Loneliness is incredibly good for workaholicness, and right now elephant still needs my focus.

  3. elephantjournal says:

    Well, it means I'm attracted to them, and they're attracted to me. Don't tell me one of the qualities you look for in love isn't beauty, whatever that means to you?

    For instance, there's a scrawny short-shorts wearing bearded 85 year old man who jogs through my neighborhood most mornings, with an elderly pal or two. He's beautiful. If I were an old lady, I'd bag him.

  4. elephantjournal says:

    Let's put it this way, ol'friend: I'm not talking merely about external beauty, though attraction is vital.

    If she's conventionally beautiful on the outside, but not "beautiful" on the inside, that is not the "beautiful" I'm referring to above. The same would apply, I would think, to the men in your life's history.

    My list is only personal, and honest. Honesty is another quality I'm attracted to. As for political correctness (you know, fear) is a turn off.

  5. elephantjournal says:

    Hah! Respect to your hubbie for his service!

  6. rjs12 says:

    You have got to be kidding…right? What are you offering her…someone who says he's a workalcoholic? Honey…wakeup…smell the roses. If you want that kind of woman…offer that kind of man in return! Like attracts like…make room in your life for beauty, love and joy. Be willing to nuture the relationship, and you will have the best love has to offer. (Loving advice from someone who really knows this stuff…a recovering workalcoholic.)

  7. elephantjournal says:

    #1, you're right, and that's why my relationships don't last. Work gets in the way. I talked about that specifically, if you read what I wrote (click the "spaciousness" link, for more). The entrepreneurial way of life often results in some loneliness. It's a sacrifice I've made for 10 years now, knowingly.

    That said, my work is about sharing life, beauty, love and joy with others, rather than merely seeking those things for myself.

    Consider respecting those who are devoted to their work(aholicness), if it be of some benefit…you wouldn't tell a parent to worry about their baby and night, less, and go get a life?

  8. rjs12 says:

    Of course, I say this with respect. But also trying to 'nudge' you a bit. Think about it. Would you answer an ad written by a women who describes herself that way? Or were you kidding? Good heavens. There needs to be room in your life for a relationship…if this is what you truly desire, right? No healthy self-respecting woman wants to be told “I'm a workalcoholic, have no time…but I want you.” How is that suppose to work? I would be very careful of a woman who would accept that offer…just saying.Joy,Rebecca Smith, M.Ed.cell: 206.399.5277 office: 800.522.5382 or 502.207.3151website: <a href="<br />”Each of us must learn to work not just for one self, one's own family or one's nation, but for the benefit of all humankind…It is the best foundation for world peace.” Dalai Lama(sent from my iPad)”This e-mail message, including any attachments, is for the sole use of the intended recipient(s) and may contain confidential and legally privileged information.If you are not the intended recipient, any disclosure, copying, or distribution of the message is prohibited and may be unlawful. Please contact the send

  9. Pooh…geography isn't helping me here! I'm in the UK? Plus as a fellow workaholic I'm not sure how we'd find the time to connect. Wishing you luck in your quest & hoping you find love…

  10. whereonearth07 says:

    I think you should actually make an application. Women love to talk about themselves, so if you have potential candidates write down their life histories, you can go on like 10 dates in one night without even leaving your laptop.

  11. Lisa says:

    I was pretty sure your meaning wasn’t the airbrushed, much-too-skinny, traditional, and all that version of beautiful that has been a burden to woman for so long. I thought it would be nice for you to clarify, and thank you. And yes, I am a human being driven somewhat by biology/instinct/whatever, when seeing an attractive man in the traditional sense, thinks something like “wowie, I wonder what THAT’S like?” But the real captivated wowie happens after knowing someone and seeing the entirely of their beauty – thinks something like “wowie, HE IS SO BEAUTFUL” (insert cartoon hearts here).

  12. brennagee says:

    You are brave and truthful. I too, have a penchant for spaciousness (see my blog – There is nothing sexier than an independent individual with deep-rooted passions. I am just starting on a path of freedom and independence but understand the real desire for a friend/companion, someone with to share the beauty of living. Peace to you. Enjoy the search.:)

  13. denjay says:

    you seem to have yourself…..isnt that enough?

  14. Mary says:

    the problem is that when you find one who meets you in spaciousness, it's a crapshoot who will be the one who first wants more proximity. Impermanence is the LAW.

    good try, though 😉

    whatever happens? I would encourage you to let go before you get there… Otherwise, it just gets more interesting!

  15. Mary says:

    LOL! My favorite too!

    and to mr. elephant-man: workaholism can serve like a monastery, to protect one from what can't possibly be managed… 😉

  16. Orca JayP says:

    I signed up for an online dating sight for 3 months some time back. Most depressing stressful 3 months. And all I hear from people is that's the way to meet my man/match! Ugggg I dream of being out hiking, kayaking or at the dog park, doing what I enjoy and locking eyes with The One. My list is he should be easy to look at, not look like he is 6 mths pregnant, sane, loving, likes to putter in the garden, likes the outdoors and not looking for someone to do all his cooking and cleaning. Sounds simple….but not so easy.

  17. SNG says:

    I am very compassionate and understanding towards your role and impact within the community of journalism, yoga, Buddhism, social service work, etc. etc. With this being said, it is important that your time and energy are valued at all times.

    With this being said, I am curious as to whether there is a specific 'Girlfriend Application' or if you would like to receive personal resumes and cover letters stating our incredible past experiences while engaging in the roll of girlfriend. Along with this, of course, I am sure it is imperative to also provide an extensive cover letter as to why one might feel that they are the exact candidate you are looking due to similar interests, etc. Yes, I personally know that I am independent, hard-working, etc. and truly know I fit all of the qualifications for the job. As well as understand that I still need to remain confident and strong about receiving such a prominent and successful occupation.

    Please feel free to be as explicit as possible regarding how we can all best assist you in moving forward with the process that applying for this wonderful opportunity.

    Thank you very much for sharing your personal beliefs and knowledge about the never-ending roller-coaster that exists for us all due to relationships in all forms.

    Please let us know how one might best reach you in regards to such loving matters.

    It is very much appreciated and I personally look forward to applying for this wonderful experience.

  18. Melinda says:

    I think you may have inspired a new post for me about the whole relationship dynamic. Thanks!

  19. faye says:

    wow. now that is putting someone in their place however respectively. not sure i agree 100%, though. i mean, we all want to feel loved by someone unconditionally and we all go about it in different ways, seeking out that one with different intents – desires to be filled, wishes to be granted. what waylon is saying is that at this moment in life, he knows who he is, warts and all. he has found his purpose and is not pussy-footin' around about it. and i trust he is a smart man that will realize, when necessary upon meeting that one, that compromise is an essential ingredient. he wants to find someone worth that special ingredient. i think we are all willing to bend if there is worth in it – giving/receiving, cause/effect.

  20. rjs12 says:

    Well Faye,If this is acceptable to you, go for it. I personally would want a partner with a more balanced approach to life, relationships and self-care. Also someone who had time for me. My belief is relationships take time and comittment, and my beloved should expect the very best from me…warts and all. I say this from experience.Blessings and joy!Rebecca Smith, M.Ed.cell: 206.399.5277office: 800.532.5382 or 502.207.3151 <a href="<br />(sent from my iPhone)”This e-mail message, including any attachments, is for the sole use of the intended recipient(s) and may contain confidential and privileged information. If you are not the intended recipient, please destroy all copies of the original message.”

  21. […] But that’s not vital to the kind of relationship I’m looking for. […]

  22. Katherine says:

    I always had a little crush on you since Wanderlust CO 2012. Just sayin'.

  23. Tricia says:

    The only problem I see (coming from the perspective of a couples therapist) is that no woman will enjoy, understand or tolerate being second and third to a laptop and a dog (hey! just saying, I love my pooches.) In general, we (speaking for womankind) like to feel valued, honored, beloved and adored. It's hard to be in second place to anything when we are in love, resentment grows and seeds of contempt grow. Balance and the middle path are also important constructs for relationships. May I suggest reviewing The Sound House diagram developed by Drs Gottman, it's a great (albeit ancient in terms of modern day info graphics) visual of how to make a relationship last. Wishing you luck in your quest.

  24. Serenity says:

    "I don’t want casual anything—it might sound fun, but what I really want is a friend. A match. A partner in my busy-ness, in my joy, in my sadness, in my dog hikes and morning meditation and lunches downtown.

    And, a partner in spaciousness."

    I know these feels all too well… blessings to you on your search.

  25. Serenity says:

    There is nothing whatsoever wrong or shallow about wanting a partner that you are attracted to and find aesthetically beautiful to look at.

  26. @JenDunn616 says:

    Ohhh the dilemma. I have been suffering from it for several years now: "We love our loving, but not like we love our freedom". The human need for companionship Vs. the desire to be free to do as we wish. Many people say that they want an independent partner, or that they would like a relationship with someone that understands their quirks, and their need for space, or for their passions/work. I agree this is a requirement of mine, as well. But, to be honest, I have found that I have been attracting commitment phobic people for the last eight years… so that probably means I am also afraid. I sense the same fear in you. You cannot deny that what we attract, or what we perceive in our lives, is a reflection of our innermost feelings. Is it that no one is good enough? Or, honestly, do you feel that YOU are not good enough? Or that you are afraid to make the jump, unless it is perfect, because it could lead to disastrous heartbreak-which is most likely one of the worst pains of the world.
    Even in this article, I can see the subtext that screams " I want you in my life, but only on my terms. I want you to be close and be there for me when I need you, but only then- and I may not be there for you because I am too "busy". Come close, so I can push you away". Trust me- I have dated different versions of you for a time now. But I am not criticizing you- because I feel that we attract certain people for a reason, and I do not blame anyone for my choices. I have seen many honest self-inquiries you have written about your issues with companionship. I applaud them, and I often relate to them. And I feel it is because we probably have the same issues. I find many people of our generation and of our age group have the same predicament. Maybe we are the first generation that dealt with divorce in mass numbers? Maybe we are just starting a new paradigm for relationships? I am not sure. After all of this fiddling around with commitment-phobes for years, trying to figure myself out after a nasty divorce and childhood, I figured out one thing, and Thich Nhat Hahn helped me with this: That when you truly love someone, you are PRESENT for them. You show up. You listen. You extend yourself, and yes, sometimes you put down your laptop and look your man/ woman straight in the face and simply say "I'm here- I'm listening- I will try to help". And you do this because relationships involve personal sacrifice. They are not a convenience. On a more grand scale, our personal relationships reflect our relationship with the world at large. Are we compassionate, giving, selfless (but not codependent)? Or do we retreat, seek isolation out of fear of pain-or fear of a mirror of ourselves? Often that retreat is necessary, but when you are struggling to form a relationship once again, and you can't- it's most likely you running from it or keeping it out. I can only speak my own truth, and this is what I have found. Good luck with your journey.

  27. Liz Spalding says:

    I am here

  28. Margot says:

    Is this job vacancy still available?
    Just wondering.