What to Do when the Honeymoon is Over.

Via Ronna Holtz
on Jul 23, 2012
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A friend of mine called me to talk about her seven month relationship.

The fizz was starting to go faster than a tire blow-out. She was bored and freaked out. “What in the hell is wrong with me?” she pleaded. To tell you the truth I wasn’t really sure.

He hadn’t cheated or killed her cat. He didn’t play air guitar while wearing women’s panties and a cape. “He’s a decent guy. I just don’t know what my problem is.” I was slightly perplexed as well, I’ll admit. And then it hit me. Seven months. The honeymoon is over.

It got me thinking about dating; the beginnings, the excitement and the fear of the honeymoon period ending. This is the time in the relationship when you’ve long since used your top five romantic clichés and you’ve fucked him sideways. Now what?

Is the honeymoon phase really over at the six month mark? Is it that predictable? Or are we more like men than we care to admit—do women get just as bored when the chase is over?

And if we miss the chase do we also want the thrill of the guy who plays hard to get? Do we only thrive on the attraction to boys that are dangerous? I have to say that may have worked on me in my twenties but it doesn’t anymore.

Sure, mystery is exciting, but if you don’t call or you treat me like shit—I’ll be out the door so fast that you’ll look around and wonder where I went. Huh? Who? Where’d she go? What just happened? Um. You suck. I left. That’s what happened.

I’m not one to chase a man. I have a tendency to run around in stilettos and my feet tire easily. I’m old fashioned. Women that are old fashioned and have tattoos are thought to be a myth yet here I am. I’m not a fucking unicorn. I’m flesh and blood and I want doors opened for me. In fact it’s a deal breaker. I understand that every car has automated locks these days gosh darn that walk all the way to the passenger side can be brutal. If you don’t walk around and open my door you may not know me long enough to find out my last name.

You’ll certainly never know what I like to eat for breakfast, if you get my drift.

If you do open my door you can expect that I will lean over and open yours. If you aren’t sure what I mean please rent A Bronx Tale immediately or Youtube the car door test.

I want to be courted.

I’m a closet romantic. I hide everything in there including an Eminem poster. Yes, you read that correctly and I make no apologies.

I don’t want the bad boy anymore. I’ll take one in the bedroom. He can even be in the porn that I’m watching. In an actual relationship? No, thank you. Before you judge, it is possible to be both old fashioned and enjoy pornography.

It is at this juncture that I would suspect some of you are thinking that porn is degrading to women. If that is true and we are talking about boy/girl porn then it must be degrading to men as well. Right? Not only are they also being degraded but when they keep those stupid white socks on they are bordering short bus behavior.

Romance is what I’m looking for. Romance is a turn on. Mental stimulation = hot. I’m a writer. It’s my weakness. Read me a chapter from your favorite book and I’m done for. Write me anything and I lose all sense of reality.

I want the man who tells me that he likes listening to my voice, who wants to stay awake a little later than he usually does just to hear it, who at some point in his day, or week, wonders what he can do to put a smile on my face and knows that I would go out of my way to put one on his.

 In my opinion, every woman loves some sort of romance. If she doesn’t, I would guess that she’s had one fuck of a childhood and for that I am truly sorry.

This brings me back to my friend. It’s possible that she has hit her own segment of the post-honeymoon deal-breaker phase.

The end of the honeymoon period is tricky. If you’re at six months and you’ve realized that the sexy beauty mark under his right shoulder blade is actually a mole, that’s okay. The honeymoon is over. If you love him, the mole is just a part of who he is in his entirety.

On another note, if the sight of his mole makes you sick to your stomach that could be a sign of a bigger issue. If you start nagging him to have it removed, you might want to consider that longevity is not a word that belongs in your relationship.

Lying, cheating, selling your grandmother’s jewelry for beer money—these are the obvious deal-breakers that may or may not infiltrate your relationship. This depends on either his character or how well he can hold up his best behavior and for how long. I don’t think I need to tell you (and I hope I don’t) that if you see any of the aforementioned traits please run.

I do think it’s important to remember that no man or woman is perfect. Don’t forget, ladies, that one day he may decide you paint your face like a whore and he can no longer tolerate your herb garden.

If he respects you, treats you well and has a job, consider cutting him some slack on the way he sips his coffee. But if everything about him is grating on your nerves like nails on a chalkboard it might be the right time to get out.

If you just want that bad boy, my hat is off to you. If you’ve made up your mind, run with it! Take it for all you can. Be wild. Enjoy it and know that in two months and three weeks you’ll probably be on the prowl again.

Be honest, open and never ever settle but understand that if what you want is a long-term love, there may be some annoying habits that go with the package.

Above all remember that having too many deal-breakers can leave you very lonely.

Real relationships take work, because they become real. The fairy tale may fade but if you’re true to yourself and your heart, you may end up with a long story bound in a lovely hardcover and a happy ending.


Editor: Kate Bartolotta

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About Ronna Holtz

Ronna Holtz can be found sipping iced tea and playing her guitar in her 1920’s apartment in the shadow of Hollywood Hills. She is a writer and a dreamer who loves love and everything about it. Read her whispers and rants on her blog, Be Like the Moon. Ronna is also the creator of a sexy new elephant love advice column, "When It Comes To Love." Email your burning relationship questions to Ronna at eleadvice@gmail.com. She doesn't necessarily guarantee a wise solution, but she will offer an entertaining and down-to-earth view of the problem. Subscribe to Ronna's column and never miss a post.


25 Responses to “What to Do when the Honeymoon is Over.”

  1. shaydewey says:

    "If he respects you, treats you well and has a job, consider cutting him some slack on the way he sips his coffee." Love the entire article but especially this line.

    Shared on ej Love fb page.

  2. "Women that are old fashioned and have tattoos are thought to be a myth yet here I am. I’m not a fucking unicorn." I love this line…and I'm not a unicorn either. Reading this article alone is a huge turn on…I'm as sassy and full of a shit ton of f-bombs, but a well placed kiss on the cheek and not having to open my own door makes my little heart just melt like a cold glass on a warm day.

  3. ronna26 says:

    Thank you Shay. 🙂

  4. ronna26 says:

    Amen. Our layers run deeper than our paint. 🙂 Thank you for reading.

  5. Lauren says:

    Lovely writing, easily relatable, and fucking hilarious. Loved it!

  6. flourishskinfood says:

    So many lol moments as well as some damn good epiphanies! Thanks

  7. jean marie says:

    love the coffee sips line!

  8. Jenny says:

    Oh no!!! The short bus reference throws me every time! I don't love it, especially since I drove a special ed bus throughout my college career! Never underestimate the power of the short bus! Life lessons, miracles, dreams, and "a-ha" moments happened there… adults and kids alike!

    Liked the article, otherwise.

  9. […] Cheating is certainly not as common as most people think it is. It is, though, something that will impact your life through your own experiences or those of friends. Cheating is going to come up. So have your script […]

  10. Megan says:

    Cheers to it getting real. This is where we get to grow and learn; get out of our comfort zone and work on softening our edges.

  11. […] He is emblematic of many other men—too many good men—that have made themselves malleable and susceptible to sexual conditioning instead of vulnerable to the breathing admirers next to them. […]

  12. This is where reality bites and it hurts very bad. Like any couple and their respective lovers, both are real with realistic frictions of changes. It falls to us to sort these changes.

  13. Mary says:

    I think every woman desires to be courted every now and then. Women appreciates small effort like getting a little late at night just to have conversation with her (as what you mentioned) and some sort of making her feel that she's beautiful into your eyes. It is not always a smooth road for couple, but what important is you stick with your commitment to each other that worse come to worse, you'll take care of each other.

  14. lisab says:

    I'm hearing a whole lot of "I want this", "this is a dealbreaker", "pass this test". Seems like a whole lot of take and not a lot of give. And that's exactly why honeymoon ends in the first place.

    We go into relationships expecting to get lots our of them – to be fulfilled, to be "complete", to finally feel like we belong, to suddenly be zapped with fireworks and the meaning of life. Or whatever. We have huge romantic expectations that were all made up by some lonely white dudes just after Tristan screwed Isolde. That's right. It's all made up and it makes us picky, selfish, and full of commitment issues. Oh, not to mention completely dependent on someone else to make us happy. That's a ton of pressure for someone else to take on and most people can't possibly live up to such lofty expectations.

    And porn is degrading to women. No bones about it. Participating in pornography as a consumer further perpetuates the suffering of human beings and fuels prostitution and the sex trade. Contributing to a culture that traffics and rapes young children and women should not be okay with anyone. And if you're a Buddhist, if you can't help people, you should at least not contribute to their suffering.

  15. ronna26 says:

    It's about finding your level of comfort and not settling for the unacceptble….whatever that is for an individual. As I said if you are respected and your partner is a good person dont nit-pick….no demands there.

    I have a different view on pornography (as men are involved as well) but I always welcome and can see another's point of view. Thanks for your comment 🙂

  16. Angie says:

    Touché!!!..Always so close to the heart (my heart) Ronna .. Much love

  17. ronna26 says:

    thank you my darling xo I love that you get me.

  18. Lynda Dove-Garcia says:

    I am 63. I met my second husband 12 years ago. He is not good looking, he does not like to work out, he never critizises me, he loves me, he opens doors always, he helps me on with my coat, he holds my hand, he calls me "my love". Sex went out the window 5 years ago because he is unable but I love this man. He has stuck with me while I was on a clinical trial for Hep C, helped me when I couldn't work. He has many faults…but then so do I. But somehow we overlook these as they are not "important" faults. We don't argue but we discuss. We never blame each other. I truly love him and would never want anyone else.

  19. ronna26 says:

    As I said, he respects you and he clearly cares for you. Those are the things that matter…..sounds like you have all the beautiful things that got you through that honeymoon phase….thank you for sharing

  20. Tracy says:

    I agree with lisab! I want, I want – are you giving him what he wants this isn't a one way relationship you know? I left a marriage that was all about the superficial, at least now I realize that. I am happily in love with a new man for the past 2 1/2 years. We adore each other, and he is a bad boy, he was also without a job for a year and a half. He's not perfect and I love that about him!

  21. ronna26 says:

    Of course things are meant to be reciprocated. In order have the things you want you have to be that person as well….perhaps I'll do the male version in my next piece. 🙂 I'm not suggesting for a moment that people in relationships don't struggle…it was a light hearted piece and meant to have some humor in it. 🙂

  22. Alexandra Proverb says:

    Beautiful article! I finally met the love of my life 7 months ago. I'll tell ya, if you love someone…REALLY love someone you love every part of them, all of their perfect imperfections as the song goes. I have married twice, and didn't even come close with those 2 of the love I have for my guy now, of 7 months!! If only I'd have known! This is true love..I feel it, he feels it and everyone that sees us together feels it. All I can say is..this love is beautiful & he is the perfect guy for me.

  23. Mayra says:

    Nice article. But the comment about the “short bus behavior” was in poor taste. I couldn’t finish the article. Sorry about that. Yuck.