With New Eyes. ~ Deborah Lange

Via elephant journal
on Jul 9, 2012
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What miracles happen when we look with new eyes at someone we love?

I picked up my mum from a five-week stay in hospital and moved in with her to be her full-time caregiver until the inevitable. I was told it wasn’t going to be very long until I could not cope with her deteriorating.

I was sitting next to her on the side of the bed. I put my arms around her and told her I loved her. She gripped on to me and hugged me, and through tears she told me she loved me and said how she didn’t want to take me away from my life.

I have never felt so much love for her. She expressed her love and gratitude to me.

We continued to give each other hugs, being gentle and letting each other know we loved each other. This was very special, as it was likely she would pass away soon. It was even more special because we had never been like this before.

How many of us, say, “I love you,” without truly allowing ourselves to feel the love that is inside and share it with others?

Does this ring a bell for you? What is stopping you from feeling love for someone? What has happened that you have put up a brick wall and disconnected?

This is what used to stop me and what I did about it:

A couple of years ago, I walked into my mother’s house, went straight down the hall, knelt down in front of her, looked her in the eye and said:

 “Mum, you know I blamed you for not forgiving Dad when he hurt you, and I have been resentful about that. I also resented that Chris is your favorite. I have not felt loved by you. Even though I am loyal and help you, I have been cold and unloving to you most of my life. I am sorry about that. I do love you. I feel like I hardly know you, and I want you to be well and strong enough for me to take you away on a fun holiday together.”

Her eyes watered and she said,

“I know you have blamed me; I know you have been resentful. I know you have shut me out, but I love you Debbie, and I have always wanted the best for you—and I know you love me”.

This took courage and humility, but it was well worth it. We don’t learn courage and humility out of books and through what we read. We learn by doing it.

Is there somewhere in your life you could be courageous and humble and reconnect with someone who is important in your life? What would happen?

This is what happened to my mother and I’s relationship after I chose to open up and let go of events and prejudices from a long time ago.

Three months later, I was sitting on a plane next to Mum. She turned to me, tears steaming down her face and said, “Debbie, I never thought I would have a holiday again. I feel like a little kid going on a holiday.”

Wheeling her along past the shops on our holiday, she would call out to me, “Remember when…” and off she would go sharing something from when I was a child or something from about her childhood. She made friends with all the salespeople in the shops. Within minutes, we would know their life story and were touched by something in their lives. She loved listening to people’s stories and provided an empathic ear to many people who were only too pleased to be heard.

Well that was many ago now; it hasn’t been perfect—but I have definitely been authentically loving, which I couldn’t be before.

She has softened and so have I. And by some miracle, she now walks again and does not need the wheel chair. By opening up, being humble and courageous, I gave her an exciting future to live into, having a holiday with me.

Through looking at her with new eyes, she became full of life again.

Where are you cutting yourself of from love that you could have? What is stopping you from reconciling? Forgiving? Opening up? What stories can you share about seeing someone with new eyes and creating a new life with them? Did you have a miracle happen? I would love to hear your story.


Deborah Lange’s journey has taken her down many paths—on each path, she deepens her own wisdom and ability to guide others to find their own truth. She aims to give others the courage and the freedom to live a life that makes them come fully alive! From a teacher to a high flying consultant, a housewife, a mother, a care giver for my dying mother, a mosaic artist, a facilitator, a gardener, a researcher, an investor, a roadie for an Irish harpist and more . . . now, as she grows into eldership, she sows the seeds she has gathered of truth and wisdom that can help others on their journey as she grows into her new role as author. Email her at [email protected], or find her on LinkedIn, Facebook and Twitter.


Editor: Cassandra Smith

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8 Responses to “With New Eyes. ~ Deborah Lange”

  1. Pankaj Nangia says:

    That's really touching.
    Most of the time, when we give of ourselves to another, we expect something in return. When we don't get what we think was our due, we get disappointed. That 'trade in' depreciates the relationship. When you give of yourself without expectation, then it is more fulfilling.

  2. I totally agree Pankaj – when you are yourself filled up with love and nourished you can give without expectation and in the giving is most often a gift –

  3. Piew says:

    Its really hard to put such deep feelings into words. Truely touching.

  4. yes, beyond many of the words we use- it is all in the presence of being –
    the more we get in touch with our body sensations and our feelings the more we can share and describe what we are feeling – i think that is the work of this century, to get in touch and learn from our body, our energy emotions and our spiritual connection and integrate mind, body and spirit in new ways of being.

  5. uma simon says:

    How courageous you were to open up to your mom. Good for you!

  6. deblange says:

    Hi Uma yes, if only more of us could be courageous and humble enough to say what we really want to say!!! I was talking to someone the other day who said their mother attacks them, judges them etc and I said, "You know it sounds to me like your Mum, is concerned about you and does not know how to say, I love you and I am worried about you, are you Ok?" Instead she says, "what is going on? why are you doing …" all in a judgemental and attacking voice. I suggested not reacting to her questions rather saying, something like, "Mum, I hear that you are worried about me, it is OK I am ….." and and cut the circuit of their current reactive inter-change.

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  8. J_Bravo says:

    That’s a touching story there. I appreciate the courage you had to open up to your mom. Like some one said “After all its my MOM”. These feelings can never be conveyed through words. Anyway, thanks for sharing this over here. Keep posting in future too. dating tips 101