Will ‘Ho for Friends on Facebook.

Via Michelle Marchildon
on Aug 13, 2012
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Who do I have to sleep with to get a “like?”

Just when I thought my social media skills couldn’t get any worse, Timeline arrived on my Facebook page.

Timeline is like a guy at a bar who can’t take a hint; the new format has moved in and taken over all the conversation and I can’t get rid of it.

Timeline isn’t my only issue on Facebook. I also have trouble understanding how to edit those embarrassing pictures I uploaded when I was not being “yogic,” which usually involved alcohol and/or my middle finger.

The biggest problem I currently have is a low number of “likes” on my professional page. Of course I wouldn’t take this personally, except that it is sort of about me! No matter how many times my mother keeps clicking it, “The Yogi Muse” hovers at 250 “likes.”

I looked around and noticed that a lot of other yogis have a low number too, except for this one girl who has pink hair, a hula hoop, her legs over her head, and nothing else on. She has a lot of likes.

Another problem I have is trying to figure out if it doesn’t happen on Facebook, then did it happen at all?

I went to a yoga workshop where cameras were banned and nobody was allowed to post pictures. OMG! Everyone was having withdrawal. One girl was crying and saying things like, “What is my purpose in life?” Okay, I made that part up.

But I do have to tell you that it’s very awkward to be in Prasarita Padottanasana in white pants and hear, “This will look great on Facebook, click.” Come on people, I am a real brunette!

But back to the biggest social challenge facing yogis today, and it’s not factory farmed animals or to be vegan or gluten-free. It’s how to increase your “likes” on your Facebook page. Because a low number is professional suicide if you want to sell retreats and workshops, or have anyone show up at your classes.

Furthermore, if you want to be an ambassador and promote things like Luon pants and festivals, you need a number close to 5,000. I am not kidding! Therefore, at 250 “likes” I am still just an Ambassador of Quan.

So how do yogis up their number?

Lately I’ve been posting super-sexy yoga pictures of myself in the hope that someone finds a 51 year old mother of two sexy enough to click “like.” Apparently, it’s not working. Insert photo here. If a photo does not pop up, it’s because I haven’t found a super-sexy photo of me yet.

You could also click on everyone that Facebook suggests you should be friends with, but doesn’t it feel kind of… desperate? And do I really want to be friends with the uber-international-rockstar yogis like Shiva Rea?

In fact, I tried to be friends with Shiva Rea. A few years ago I took her class and went to thank her, but she was surrounded by her security team of very cute smallish men in tight pants. I take it these were her “real” friends.

I am friends, however, with Baron Baptiste. I don’t know what possessed me to click on his page except that the last time I practiced with him, he stood on my back in Chaturanga. And once a 180 pound man stands on your back, I think you should be friends.

I am also Facebook friends with Alanna Kaivalya. I have met her several times and we are both writers, but the last time I saw her I said, “Hey Alanna,” and she gave me a look that said very clearly, “we are not friends.”

None of this truly matters unless you want to pay your rent by teaching yoga, or put two boys through college. So to fix this, I am making a sign that says, “Will ‘ho for friends.”

With just a few more “likes,” my mother can finally stop signing into Facebook just to click on my page, and she can get back to more important things like passing out my sexy yoga photos when she goes to play bingo. I may not be that popular on Facebook, but there’s a retirement community in Northern Georgia where I hear I am more popular than maybe even Shiva Rea.

Editor: Lynn Hasselberger

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About Michelle Marchildon

Michelle Berman Marchildon is the Yogi Muse. She’s an award-winning journalist, and the author of Finding More on the Mat: How I Grew Better, Wiser and Stronger through Yoga. Her second book, Theme Weaver: Connect the Power of Inspiration to Teaching Yoga, is for yoga teachers who want to inspire their students. Michelle is a columnist for elephant journal and Origin Magazine and a contributor to Teachasana, My Yoga Online and Yoga Journal. She is an E-RYT 500 with Yoga Alliance and teaches in Denver, Co where she is busy raising two boys, two dogs and one husband. You can follow her on Facebook at Michelle Marchildon, The Yogi Muse. You can find her blog and website at www.YogiMuse.com. And you can take her classes on www.yogadownload.com.


11 Responses to “Will ‘Ho for Friends on Facebook.”

  1. Hilarious, Michelle. I just liked your facebook page.

    Bob W. Associate Publisher
    facebook, twitter, linkedIn
    Yoga Demystified, Gita in a Nutshell

  2. @YogaAnne says:

    OMG…you just kill me! I'm ready to pimp myself out for some more likes too!

  3. Michelle Marchildon says:

    Thanks Bob. My mom needs the break!

  4. Michelle Marchildon says:

    Pimp away girl. Sometimes morals will get in the way of what you want.

  5. Haha. Absolutely amazing! I'm ready to ho for more likes, too. Both myself and my page have liked yours today 🙂 Happy ho'ing from one yogini to another!

  6. slsimms says:

    this is effing hilarious! so very true…going to click *like* on your page now :0)

  7. cathy says:

    hmm, it was too complainy for me to find it funny. My friends wrote to FB and got a clear answer how to get rid of timeline.. maybe that's my put off with the article.. that You say you cant get rid of it and YOU CAN!

  8. AlannaK says:

    Hey Michelle! I'm so sorry you felt put off by our last interaction… mea culpa. I do my best to be attentive and remember folks I meet and work with along the way. Sometimes if my brain fails me, it is definitely LAST on my list to have you feeling like the interaction was amiss! I hope the next time our paths cross you'll grab me by the shoulder and shake me a little. 🙂 Great article – thanks for the heads up!