What if Everyone Wins?

Via Sara Avery
on Oct 10, 2012
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When you share your uniqueness, you create a win-win situation

“What if everyone wins?” is something my clients hear from me a lot.

It’s because I see so many people squelching their own voices, surprisingly, in response to the condition of scarcity. As humans, we are steeped in the feeling that in any situation, big or small, there has to be a winner and a loser. It’s based on the sense and our experience that there isn’t enough—of attention, love, time, money, resources—for everyone.

When I talk about winning here, I’m not just talking about sports, games, or other arenas we normally recognize competition.

This can show up in the smallest things, like deciding where to go to lunch with a friend. Some people always need to go to their favorite place, and others say, “I don’t care where we go. I just want you to be happy.”

There are several basic ways people cope with the feeling of scarcity:

  • >>I have to win everything.
  • >>It’s not safe for me to win at all.
  • >>I have to let others win everything.
  • >>I am in a constant tug of war between needing to win and needing to let others win.

These ways of coping or surviving are set up early in life. In the womb and until the age of two and a half, we absorb how it feels to be human from how those around us feel being human. What we absorb allows us to fit well and survive with our early surroundings, and this absorbed feeling becomes our sense of self. Beyond the age of two and a half, the sense of self generates every moment of our lives, so we keep experiencing moments in which we feel that to survive, we need to be that same way that allowed us to fit well with our early surroundings.

This whole winner/loser mechanism gets in the way of people expressing themselves in the world, especially for those who don’t feel safe in winning or who always need to let others win. They continually squelch their own voice, opinions, desires, and talents in the name of survival.

When I’m working with a client with one of these very common patterns, I might ask them, “What if everyone wins when you openly express what really matters to you?” I know that I’ve hit a nerve if someone either starts laughing and says, “Yeah, right, Sara, like that could be true!” or if they start feeling a bit nervous when they consider this question. This tells me that survival has required them to essentially keep themselves hidden from the world. But, each of us is here to express something unique in the world, so when we hide what really matters to us, we deprive the world of something vital.

What’s usually hardest for my clients to believe is that they could share something negative and have a win-win result.

A good example is a client who is getting ready for a big move with her husband in eight months. They need to downsize more than ever before, so she wants to get started now. In previous moves, my client’s husband has left a lot of detail to the last minute and that has been incredibly frustrating to her. She has felt that she wasn’t heard when she asked him to start preparing sooner and that what she wanted didn’t matter. Several weeks ago, she spoke up and told him just how angry, upset, and demoralized she felt through and after these past moves. He was very surprised and sad to hear this, and he has made a big effort to start preparing now and stick to the schedule that she thinks will allow things to go smoothly. He told her that he’s really glad that she brought this up, and is looking forward to having a move that they’ll both feel good about.

How do you deal with this realm of winners and losers in your relationships, your job, your community, or even in little everyday things like driving or shopping? Do you see ways in which your coping mechanism gets in the way of expressing yourself?

When we all express our uniqueness, the world we live in will be made of all our diverse views, talents, and desires. When we do that, everyone truly wins.


Editor: Kate Bartolotta

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About Sara Avery

Sara Avery’s passion is helping people uncover the energy that creates their story and the uniqueness of who they really are. In 2001, she transitioned from her first career as an orchestral violinist to guiding people through the deep transformation of Quanta Change. Quanta Change identifies Learned Distress (the feeling that “there is something wrong with me” absorbed in the womb and early in life) as the source of non-well-being. This unique process works with your brain during sleep to permanently remove layers of Learned Distress, allowing your natural well-being to become the source from which your life is generated. Sara’s clients discover a new ease and joy in life that they’ve never experienced—in emotional, spiritual, and physical realms. One client said, “I’ve been seeking for 40 years, and this is by far the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.” Learn more on her website or read more from Sara on her blog. Or, connect with her on Facebook or Twitter.


2 Responses to “What if Everyone Wins?”

  1. […] challenge you to put your humanity first. I challenge you to put aside your wanton need and desire to compete. I challenge you—sacrifice your marathon to show respect and compassion for people who have lost […]

  2. […] What I think matters regardless of anyone else agreeing with me, or not. I have my own unique way of voicing my thoughts, and there is no comparison involved when it comes to uniqueness, so “perfect” isn’t even in the equation. The world is a richer and better place when I voice my uniqueness, which means that everyone wins. […]