November 14, 2012

25 Things I Learned from the Most Stressful Election Ever.

Source: betterphoto.com via Lynn on Pinterest

If there’s one thing we can all agree on—now that Barack Obama won another term—it’s that this was easily the most stressful and unnerving Presidential race in the history of our United States.

And whether or not you happen to be a Republican, a Democrat, an Independent, or none of the above, we’re all sighing a collective sigh of relief now that it is all finally over—although post traumatic stress disorder will surely set in momentarily.

It was also one of the most surreal presidential races—we were forced to reckon with bazaar, hateful and obscenely disgusting individuals who said truly insane and weird things about women, gays, minorities and anyone else who did not fit their self-righteous bill—making the job much too easy for late-night comedians.

The newscasts during this recent election cycle were also oddly and extremely entertaining (in a sick voyeuristic manner) making television shows like Homeland and even Breaking Bad nod us all to sleep by comparison—even though the content and unabashed paparazzi-like 24 hour coverage was absolutely unpalatable, and even disgusting, at times.

So here’s my list of 25 things I learned from this election.

Perhaps it’s not much different than yours—and perhaps, entirely so different you might wonder if we experienced the same process—but that’s America for you.

1.  The Republican party is much more interested in my vagina than I am.

2.  There’s a new demographic of people in this country known as “The Undecideds and they are really, really, really, really, really weird.

3.  I will never be able to watch “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly” again with the same amount of chuckles, love and winsome laughter.

4. We need to pay more attention to our kids, because they’ll be the ones who will choose our rest homes one day, and a lot of them are really mad at us right about now.

5. I might be paranoid. The other day I thought my underwear was a hanging chad. Speaking of Chad…  I owe him a phone call.

6. At least one third of my 4,000 Facebook friends will have to be deleted, as many of their posts have been remarkably stupid, ignorant and hateful since this election began.

7.  Polls are a useless, inane, ridiculous waste of time, and they’re insulting to our intelligence, and a threat to our democracy.

8. Most people really don’t give a damn about other people; they just want to keep what’s theirs.

9.  Some of the most annoying people I know are Democrats, and some of biggest perverts I know are Republicans.

10. Mother Nature is definitely a chick, and she has a way of getting things done.

11.  Even though Obama won a second term, I still have to live with myself, and I still have to live with my family.

12. Life will be much simpler now with fewer friends, but the friends I still have will be much closer.

13.  My parents are left-wing socialist Communist liberals, and they’re insane. For example, they believe Donald Trump was planted here by the Chinese.

14. Most so-called political pundits are inefficient, confused, inarticulate buffoons who need to get a real job.

15. I have seen the she-devil, and thy name is Michelle Bachmann.

16. My boyfriend is a keeper. He put up with this journalist during the entire election cycle, which was far more taxing than any menstrual cycle. And that’s sayin’ a lot. 

17. The people of New York are frickin’ troopers, and Mayor Bloomberg has some balls.

18. My 13 year-old daughter rocks! And she’s more articulate and real than most adults I know—but then again, that’s not saying a whole lot.

19. Eddie Munster is alive and well; his first name rhymes with Saul, and his last name rhymes with Lion.

20. I officially have more fantasies about politicians than rock stars. For example, the sound of Bill Clinton‘s voice helps me through sleepless nights better than Mick Jagger’s. Who knew?

21. A lot of people are one-issue voters—and a lot of those people don’t understand much about that one issue—and many of those one issues are completely skewed, polarized and misrepresented by the media.

22. Latinos and Blacks really know how to show up. And they are here to stay.

23. I will have to “get a life” now that the election is over, and I don’t know if I can do that.

24. When you look up the word class in the dictionary, you’ll find a photo of Michelle Obama.

25. At least 47 percent of the American population are not victims—they’re smart, active, voting mother f*ckers.

Editor: Jennifer Spesia

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