I have always been bad at breaking up with men. Always.
The first time I realized this was when I was in kindergarten and Marvin Leibowitz was carrying my Partridge Family lunchbox for me, again.
I wanted to tell him I no longer wanted to be “going steady,” and besides, I was more interested in another boy who had a shiny Schwinn bicycle and gave girls rides home on his handle bars.
Finally, one day he told me we would not be getting married after all, as Sheila Goldfarb’s mother made much better brownies than mine did.
Always about the food, oy veh!
But enough about me and my non-baking mother.
What about you and the man you want to break up with but don’t have the chutzpah, heart, guts or slightest clue as to “how to do it”?
Well, do I have some tips for you?! Believe me, I have become quite the expert as I have had countless men leave me and they had no idea it was my idea first!
By the way, the following advice can also work for men in reverse, for gay couples, for friends and even for family members you never want to see again.
Here are 25 tips that may work for you.
1. Forget to bathe, for about a month.
2. Wear grandma underwear and maybe even great-grandma underwear, preferably around his friends.
3. Tell him that you have “daddy issues” and that you want to date his dad.
4. Forget his as well as his mother’s birthday.
5. Throw out his favorite T-shirt he’s had since college and say the hot UPS man needed something to clean his windows with.
6. Tell him it’s not that you don’t want to have sex anymore—it’s just that you don’t want to have sex with him.
7. Adopt a lot of cats and become the crazy cat lady of your town.
8. Start babysitting toddlers in your home every night of the week and ask him to change their diapers.
9. Tell him you have decided you are much too thin and that you plan to gain at least 50 pounds over the next six months.
10. Ask him 100 times a day to tell you all of the reasons he loves you, again and again and again.
11. Become BFF’s with his family members, especially the ones he longer wants to talk to himself.
12. Tell him that you want to start seeing other men, preferably men in your neighborhood.
13. Erase everything he has on his DVR and watch “chick shows” while speaking loudly with your girlfriends on the phone. Some good examples might include: The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil, Little House on the Prairie, Lifetime movies and anything on the Oprah network
14. Eat all of your meals in bed and make sure they are very messy and that you eat them on his side—Saltine crackers and mashed potatoes with gravy have worked for me.
15. Tell him you have joined a new religion that does not allow any watching of sports, news or anything on The History Channel, particularly the show Man vs. Wild.
16. Insist that he always opens the car door for you, puts the toilet seat down, takes out the garbage, balances your checkbook and takes your mother out for a romantic dinner once a week on his own.
17. Text his friends when he is sleeping and tell them that he is secretly planning to have a sex change operation and that he will need their help.
18. Buy food at a different drive-through every night, serve it on fine china and insist that it is homemade. Taco Bell and Kentucky Fried Chicken are good starters.
19. Wake him up every morning singing to Copacabana by Barry Manilow while you accidentally spill coffee on his laptop, his phone and his collection of signed Pink Floyd albums.
20. Show up unexpectedly at his work and demand to discuss the lack of sex in your relationship.
21.Tell him that your therapist informed you that you were actually Mussolini in a past life.
22. Call fake people in the middle of the night and pretend to be whispering in French and Italian.
23. Cry all the time and tell him that he just doesn’t understand anything about you and that he never will because he is not a woman!
24. Get a tattoo of your old boyfriend’s face and have it inked on your derriere.
25. Inform him that you will not be voting in any future presidential elections because you are 100 percent bi-partisan, bi-coastal, bi-polar bi-lingual, bi-sexual and bi-lateral.
As you can see, I have worked quite hard in getting the ball rolling for the him, her, she, he, she-he, or he-she to want to break up with you.
As for me, don’t feel bad. I have finally found a mensch of a guy who I don’t believe I will ever want to break up with.
At least not so far . . .
I’ll keep y’all posted.
Editor: Malin Bergman