Attraction or Lust? It’s Not All Madly Instinctual.

Via David Zenon Starlyte
on Nov 25, 2012
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Photo S. Wright Osment

The Sudden Attraction Factor?

A woman meets a guy and doesn’t think much of him. A few weeks later he walks by while she’s having coffee with her friends.

“Isn’t that guy the Internet millionaire I saw on the news?”

Next thing you know they’re dating…

Have you ever seen how people react when they hear someone they have already met is famous, or rich or ultra-successful? Sudden attraction factor switches on. Zoink. Just like that (zero to hero). Clearly, attraction is at least partly in the mind.

Why are we indelibly attracted to some people and totally repelled by others?

What’s up with attraction?

Is there any choice involved, or what? Are we just helpless to stop our feelings? Or worse—genetically preprogrammed?

We can like a person and yet, not feel that deeper quest for connection that wells up from the deepest recesses of our being. Attraction is just not logical.

Why do some attract someone who reflects their unhealed shadow self, while others attract their soulmate…a cold-hearted, clinical partner versus a warmhearted, compassionate one?

Sometimes we attract our opposite just like the adage, “opposites attract.” Yet, this is seldom the case for lifelong romances. There is a delicious appeal in doing something naughty, dirty, raunchy with someone previously untouchable. There’s a coming of age redemption in going places we may have only fantasized about. Yet, after the buzz is over, we go back to what is familiar. Some fantasies remain just fantasies, and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing!

Some of us are gifted with a multitude of choices for romantic partners especially at certain times in our lives. For instance, some find that they met the most potential partners at college. Some people report hitting the ground running when they reach a successful place in their careers, or when they were at the peak of physical conditioning. Others seemed to peak when online dating took the world by storm. Or when they’ve divorced…

Youth is a factor. Certainly looking good makes you more attractive to potential romantic partners. Also hormones are raging in the young. However, sometimes it’s more about how you’re feeling about yourself and the timing of it.

What is the solution? To enter into relationships with awareness and detached objectivity, or to fly in with our hearts and forget our minds?

Where does bravery fit in?

“Always go with the choice that scares you the most, because that’s the one that is going to require the most from you.” ~ Caroline Myss

Have you ever taken a brave choice on love? How did it end up?

What are the facts about our attractions, our loves, our relationships?

Is it purely biochemical?

We know from our own experience and a variety of anthropological studies that men of all cultures place the highest value on physical attraction as defined by symmetrical features. Women are also most attracted to “symmetrical men” and are more likely to sleep with these types. This is accentuated when women are menstruating. When people get drunk, they don’t notice the asymmetry of a face, and hence become more likely to make “mistakes.”

According to, the oral contraceptive pill affects hormone levels, which affects which men a woman is attracted to—attracting her more to masculine features, which are linked to aggressive, testosterone-driven behavior. Ovulating women are subconsciously drawn to who would make the strongest kids, while maybe menstruating women figure a softer man will be more supportive.

Men are aroused by women’s bone structure that have a likeness to their mothers. According to Cosmopolitan, for example, “Guys are more likely to pair up with women whose bone structure is similar to their own mothers. It’s called ‘sexual imprinting,’ and suggests that the faces we find appealing as adults are determined in childhood.”

Some sources say that women are more likely to date men who smell like their fathers. Sexual imprinting is gene-based, as potential partners will find someone with similar genes as them more attractive.

Men find red attractive on women—perhaps because red may be a sign of fertility and arousal. They also feel tender and protective about women who wear soft fabrics like silk and fur.

According to the Smell and Taste Research Foundation in Chicago, a blend of lavender and pumpkin scent is a turn on for a guy. Whereas women are attracted to scents of cucumbers or black licorice.

Perhaps the greatest aphrodisiac in women is seeing other women find a man attractive. That and the ideal hunting physique—strong shoulders, broad chests and narrow waists.

Love is a great mystery that has been inspiring artists and poets for thousands of years, and will probably continue to do so forever.

On some level it is innately human to crave to be met in relationship, to feel connection to others, to be held by another. Always seeking communion with the Divine. Always seeking to feel received, to feel warmth, love, passion. Is it an unquenchable desire to be completed by another?

“When you reach the end of what you should know, you will be at the beginning of what you should sense.” ~ Kahlil Gibran

Attraction is something we sense—something we feel—it is not always logical. When we “let go” and surrender to the feelings, allowing them to wash over us, and indulge in their pure intensity, we open ourselves to experiencing life to its fullest.

Where will attraction and love take you? Where will you take it? For who drives the bus (… but you)?


Photo: Bryan Brenneman


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About David Zenon Starlyte

David is an international SOUL-COACH who travels the world as a spiritual healer, coach and mindful speaker. David's vision is to create journey retreats to guide people to places of mystery and power to rediscover, balance and ground themselves. Growing up in apartheid South Africa, David had an early initiation into a dysfunctional society. It influenced his thinking and search for peaceful and spiritual solutions. A passion for healing followed a severe childhood illness and a medical approach he found lacking gentleness and compassion. David later studied theology in war-torn Jerusalem for 3 years, before graduating as a Naturopathic physician in Australia. David has studied personal transformation for over 20 years with some of the leaders of human evolution including Grand Master Mantak Chia, Master Chen and Ajahn Brahm. He has worked as Naturopath, Wellness Expert and Healer at the best luxury resort as well as number one destination spa in the world. His spiritual education in mindfulness, prayer and wisdom has included immersion into Qi Gong (China), Buddhism (Thailand & Australia), Taoism (Thailand and China), Tantra, Qabbalah (Jerusalem). For more information, he can be found at: Website:, , Email: , Facebook:


3 Responses to “Attraction or Lust? It’s Not All Madly Instinctual.”

  1. Perhaps says:

    As you say, what women find most attractive is whatever other women find attractive. Perhaps this is why women so often fall for jerks. A man with a woman instantly finds other women vying for his attention. With a bit of dishonesty and emotional detachment he can take advantage. These other women are telling him it is okay. And the more capable of juggling multiple partners he becomes, the more attractive he is to new ones. Conversely, the man who tends to be loyal to one woman is either with that woman and unavailable, or alone and unattractive.

  2. Honey_b says:

    Hmmm….see, I attract the most lovers when I'm happy and filled with light, regardless of what my body, hair, or skin looks like; And my lovers run the gamut of objective "attractiveness", financial succesfulness, body shape, and even temperament. I would guess that true attraction has much more going on than any scientific formula can ascertain.

  3. […] during a simple introduction, my eyes locked with those of a man whom I had never met and something palpable passed between us. We gently made […]