November 30, 2012

The Pros & Cons of Dating a Senior Citizen.

Jack Nicholson by Loren Javier

Pro: He takes Viagra.
Con: He takes Viagra.

Pro: When we eat out, sometimes the waitress also lets me order from the discount Senior Menu.
Con: Everything on the Senior Menu tastes like it came from the Old Country . . . the really, really, really Old Country.

Pro: He knows how to make a martini that would make Jack Nicholson cry.
Con: He once made Nicholson cry when he baby-sat hit him in 1943.

Pro: He remembers the 1950s like it was yesterday.
Con: He thinks that today is yesterday, and that yesterday is already the day after tomorrow.

Pro: He sometimes quotes Abraham Lincoln for hours on end, which can be quite educational.
Con: Half the time he thinks that he is Abraham Lincoln, and he once tried to free the African-American family who lives next door.

Pro: When I need to do research about World Wars, I don’t have to Google or go to the library.
Con: He is so old, he remembers all the World Wars first-hand.

Pro: I already know every doctor and medical specialist in town.
Con: When he passes away, the doctors I may want to date have already seen my boyfriend naked . . . maybe not so good.

Pro: He is old enough to be both Romney and Obama’s father.
Con: I think that he may just be both Romney and Obama’s father.

Pro: When I rub his head, he immediately falls asleep.
Con: Sometimes this happens when he’s driving his 1979 Buick.

Pro: He points out every busy city street that once used to be a farm when he grew up.
Con: He yells at strangers, “Get off those orange groves you jerky-jerkowitz, you’re killin’ em!”

Pro: He regularly receives a nice social security check.
Con: He spends all of his social security check on his damn grandchildren.

Pro: He has already picked out both our plots.
Con: My plot will be over his, which means I’ll always have to be on top!

Pro: I only cook one meal, his Jewish ma’s recipe of Matzoh ball soup.
Con: His ma is still alive and says to me, “You still can’t cook worth half a shekel for my little boy!”

Pro: He has one of those Hoveround’s and I get to sit on his lap when we zip around the market, talk about fun!
Con: He often races other old men through the aisles while they scream about coupon scams.

Pro: He makes Brad Pitt seem like an underdeveloped, unintelligent, unexperienced little baby in comparison.
Con: I will never get to experience these very, very terrible traits in Brad, not ever.

Pro: He doesn’t have to get his hair cut.
Con: The hair that used to be on his head is now on his feet.

Pro: We have a large mirror over our bed.
Con: The last time I saw the boyfriend and me naked together in the mirror, I shot at it with a loaded revolver because I thought we had been invaded by a circus sideshow!

Pro: He says that I’m just as pretty as I was the day I met him, because he can barely see.
Con: He has slept with all my girlfriends, mother and my aunts because he can’t tell the difference between us.

Pro: He is sweet and considers 5o-year-olds to be “those crazy kids.”
Con: These include many crazy women who hang around our flat pretending to be his nurse.

Pro: He is way past the angst-ridden Baby Boomer age.
Con: He thinks that The Baby Boomers are a big band from the 1940s and doesn’t understand why he can’t find them on his transistor radio.

Pro: When I need to lay low, kick back and mellow out, I don’t need to beg the boyfriend to do the same.
Con: The boyfriend is so “mellowed out” that even President Obama looked “totally exciting” by comparison in the first debate.


Ed: Brianna B.


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