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Have you ever wondered why humans kiss?

What if I told you it had to do with stinky t-shirts and the number zero?

Kissing is actually important for two reasons; okay, there are several reasons it is important but for this article, there are two.

The first reason kissing is important is because it brings our bodies close enough for our brain—specifically, cranial nerve zero—to detect pheromones.

Pheromones are bulky molecules that simulate our body’s understanding of genetic variance—we know this because a study was done where women were given men’s stinky t-shirts and then asked to rate them which smelled the most attractive.

It turns out that the t-shirts that got the highest rating were from men whose immune systems were dissimilar, in comparison to the woman who rated their smell. In evolutionary terms, the more variance in immune systems, the better chance progeny will have at survival.

So, the first reason that kissing is important is that it lends itself to genetic variations and supports the selection process for healthier offspring.

The second reason it is important is because, well, it feels good! Kissing can range from a display of affection to a downright passionate brawl; it is one of the sweetest forms of communication.

Sometimes, the person you are kissing doesn’t speak the same language as you and things are lost in translation.

Everyone has a style—but there are some styles create a whole other kind of selection process.

Here are the bad, the ugly and the WTF?! :

1. Sir Lancelot: The guy (or gal) who jabs their tongue into your mouth, as if it were a fencing match.
2. The Car Wash: Someone who licks your lips, as if their tongue were a Sham-Wow (squeegee). All the time you are thinking, “Sham-don’t!”
3. Hannibal Lector: Who bites your upper lip? I mean, when you asked me to dinner and a movie, I didn’t think my face was going to be dinner. Easy boy!
4. Dances with wolves: Someone who kisses you and howls into your mouth at the same time. Weird.
5. The Dentist: Why is your tongue checking for my tonsils? There is no reason it should be shoved back that far!
6. Sphincter Face: Maybe you confused your lipstick with preparation-H, because your lips are tighter than a rednecks a**hole at a Pride parade!
7. The Otter Pop: No amount of sucking on my lips is going to amount to them tasting like blue raspberry. But, if you keep doing it, I am going to give you a raspberry.
8. The Lean-in: Oh, boy, I got a hug instead of a kiss. Ain’t nuthin’ sexier than the feeling of disappointment.
9. Rainbow Kiss: It is a Hell’s Angel thing. (Feel free to Google it). And, ew!
10. The Stale Mate: Change it up already!

As with most things in life, both kissing and selecting the right mate takes practice…now, go put on your cherry chapstick and find yourself some genetic variance! Cheers!

*Author’s note: Dr. Kent is an E.R. Doctor who specializes in formulaic expressions that help explain subjective reality. More information about this topic can be found in Psychology Today: The Underrated Sense, by Jonah Comstock.

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Editor: Bryonie Wise

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