December 31, 2012

F**k It All.

Photo: Martinak15

*Warning! Strong language ahead!

The cookies are stale.

The garbage disposal spews rancid, slim-covered muck. The toilet doesn’t flush, but regurgitates like a geyser. The doorbell gets stuck at ding, but lost its downward facing dong. There’s a distinct putrid smell of something dead in the garage. I can’t find it and I don’t fucking care.

Do I have to feed the kids? Instead, I’ll put out an automated pet food dispenser.

It’s been a long day, week, month, life and the responsibilities keep adding up. The pain of living in this world is grueling. Trying to juggle it all without collapsing is next to immortality. I want to get off this fucking merry-go-round. My horse is dead.

Some days are fuck-filled and the harshness is real. The abrasiveness cuts to the core of our personal bullshit. Crazy how anger plays a part in this delusion; I use it to deflect and declare temporary insanity. It is a façade that befriends my triple-headed monster of anxiety, fear and sadness. I enter into an adult-size temper tantrum swearing, kicking and screaming. They are all ugly hues of shit. Staying angry creates avoidance from dealing with the inner crap.

When my negative emotions soar, I definitely take things way too fucking personally. My lid is screwed on a little too tight. I could combust and that’s probably what I should do. Let it go. Yeah, it’s another catchy cliché, with way too much significance to ignore.

So what to do when the shit-hits-the-fan and goes into a reverse, spiraling death-ray of internalizing torture?

I breathe.

Yes, breathe and not that shallow shit somewhere behind the ears, stuck in the jaw and balancing gingerly on the collar bones, but the deeper stuff.

I hate the simplicity of it too, but it’s free and portable.

When my mind even slightly quiets and my breathing gets a little deeper, I begin to relax and the bullshit gradually dissipates.

I notice the universe hasn’t and won’t give up on me. This is shocking and comforting. It’s a downright, aha moment.

Therefore, I breathe and rest in a small pocket of infinite, precious, crazy-fucked-up but truly unconditional love.

Settle down, it’ll all be clear
Don’t pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you’re not alone….

~ Phillip Phillips, Home Lyrics



~Ed: Kate Konieczny & Brianna B.

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