No Intimacy = No Sex? ~ Jeanette Geraci {Adult}

Via elephant journal
on Dec 18, 2012
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Source: via Johnny Chunga on Pinterest


What should you do when you need intimacy to enjoy sex, but there’s no promise of intimacy in sight?

You are a woman who loves sex. You live for those ecstatic energy exchanges. Sex grounds you, nourishes you, liberates you and sustains you. Sex reminds you of who and what you are: a warm-blooded animal being whose radiant, capable body holds the answers to all its own questions. But perhaps your inner goddess only feels comfortable emerging under the right conditions. Perhaps, like me, you’re a woman whose body needs trust and intimacy to open sexually.

It seems that my heart, my mind and my genitals are inextricably connected. Sex, for me, is a deeply emotional experience. I need to feel safe with a partner in order for the juices to flow. I recently came across an all-too-apt Simone de Beauvior quote: “Sex pleasure in women is a kind of magic spell; it demands complete abandon; if words or movements oppose the magic of caresses, the spell is broken.” Cheers.

If I’m going to be physically intimate with a man—if I’m going to allow him to see me at the peak of my vulnerability—I first want to know his last name, what he’s afraid of, where he grew up, how many siblings he has and what his relationship with his mother is like. I want to know that he’s going to stick around to snuggle and eat breakfast with me the following morning.

There seems to be a stigma attached to this attitude. Society used to think of women who didn’t need intimacy to enjoy sex as “tramps” or psychologically demented nymphomaniacs. In today’s society, women are encouraged to take full advantage of their relatively newfound “sexual freedom.” The paradigm-pendulum seems to have swung to the opposite pole: women who require intimacy to enjoy sex are sometimes labeled “uptight,” “needy” or “overly emotional.”

The truth is everyone is built differently. Tune into your intuition’s cues and you’ll rarely go wrong. There’s nothing wrong with pursuing and delighting in lust for lust’s sake if that’s what your heart and body crave. By the same token, if you fully enjoy sex only within the context of an intimate relationship, it will behoove you—perhaps even heal you—to accept and embrace this reality.

All this being said, let’s get down to brass tacks: the subject of plain, no-frills, animal release and its practical necessity. Frankly put, our bodies need sex. Although I can steadily rely on my right hand and my trusty vibrator to drive my corporeal desires home, masturbation isn’t an equal substitute for sex with another human being. There’s nothing like skin on warm skin, nothing like feeling your own pulse twitch against someone else’s body to remind you that you are, in fact, here (I am seen; therefore, I am).  And yet, casual sex is not a viable option for me, considering its impact on my emotional health.

Like many women, I have a history of “acting out” when I don’t feel seen. When I can’t figure out a way to give my authentic sensuality the expression it needs and deserves (which—let’s face it—rides on the presence and participation of another person), I tend to seek male attention in ways that aren’t true to who I am or what I want. These frantic, unsavory attempts to temper my loneliness consistently backfire. They don’t quell my loneliness, they deepen it, leaving me feeling like a hollow tin doll.

If you’re a woman who needs sex to feel balanced and completely embodied—who also needs intimacy to enjoy sex—what are you to do when there’s no promise of intimacy in sight? Where do you turn when you’ve searched high and low, and still can’t find someone worthwhile to open your heart to? Where do you put that blazing abundance of energy? How do you channel it responsibly?

I’d love to hear your answers.


Jeanette Garaci head shotJeanette Geraci wears her big, mushy heart on her sleeve. She’s always had a penchant for boundary-pushing, a drive to play on some of life’s darker edges and a burning desire to seek and speak truth. Among other things, she’s a yogi, a belly dancer and a serious dance club enthusiast. Her poetry and literary non-fiction have appeared in numerous publications. You can find her on Facebook or take a gander at some of her musings at  Jeanette-ic Disorder.



Editor: Alisha Kay Bull

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37 Responses to “No Intimacy = No Sex? ~ Jeanette Geraci {Adult}”

  1. jenny says:


  2. Paul says:

    Wow. Perfect timing–I've been thinking a lot about this lately and this resonates, big time. I have no answers–it feels like you're following your heart beautifully . I respect and appreciate your rawness , your transparency, vulnerability, honesty and the way you express yourself. Knowing what you want exudes sexiness and what could be more important that being true to yourself. Love you.

  3. anonymiss says:

    i am a woman who enjoys sex, (a truly dirty minded play-friend) but i don't orgasm unless i'm in that safe, vulnerable, trusting place. there are times when i've wanted to cum so badly but i just don't, because my relationship with my partner is just a little bit off (or even alot off). i've tried masturbation, burned through over eight different vibrators in a single year just by being alone and wanting to experience sexual release, and you're right: it's not the same. i find that if masturbation is not enough, i have to exercise my body through dance, or practice yoga until i feel at ease and peaceful within my body. once i'm in that place of safety and comfortability, i masturbate, but it is like eating low fat cream cheese, it just doesn't cut it.
    if it becomes a problem, a complete libido takeover, i will go out and have sex but without the elevated pleasures of orgasm. this is not as fun, nor is it honestly as healthy as i wold like it to be, but i find a partner who will either let me masturbate in front of them or i will achieve climax later, alone.
    if none of these options are available- like recently- i've had to channel my energies into mothering my dog, going all out in business ventures or even in writing. i find that the mother energies are a good channel for the sexual frustration, but again, nothing is as good as trusting my partner enough to be vulnerable. i dunno what to tell you, my dear lady, except that you're not alone and thank you for voicing this! you are appreciated and loved. ^_^

  4. Katherine says:

    I feel exactly the same way, the same things.
    no answers yet. I'm working on it.

  5. Melinda says:

    I've had intimate sex. I've had lustful no-strings-attached sex. In the past, I've liked – no, loved – them both. But by far the best sex I've had is, as you describe, truly connected sex, where trust and honesty and wide open hearts allow my partner and me to unfold into each other fully, completely, mutually. As I grow older, I find I crave intimacy more than I did in the past; in fact, it's become mandatory. So, like you, I am in a quandary. I crave the physical release, so much so that sometimes I seek it out in inappropriate places (like with ex-lovers who have hurt me in the past, or by falling for sweet-but-ultimately-meaningless talk). And I don't like how that behavior makes me feel. So like you, I have basically resigned myself to nights alone with my right hand and vibrator until the right partner comes along. Until then, my sexual energy is channeled into my family, my yoga practice, and other meaningful areas of my life. But it leaves me feeling strangely detached, as though I am living an incomplete life, a shadow of myself. Kudos to you for describing something many of us (male and female) grapple with regularly. I applaud your honesty (and I'll be looking for answers, too!).

  6. cheryl says:

    Wow…I am at the same place….asking the same questions. Thank you for this….please let me know what you figure out…

  7. Ali says:

    “what are you to do when there’s no promise of intimacy in sight? Where do you turn when you’ve searched high and low, and still can’t find someone worthwhile to open your heart to? Where do you put that blazing abundance of energy? How do you channel it responsibly?”

    -You focus your energy on becoming intimate with yourself. You stop searching outwardly and go within.

    To become truly intimate with your body, mind, heart, and soul- I believe you will only then learn to honour yourself and attract others that are also on the same level.

    I truly believe our relationships and experiences are a reflection of where we are at in our journey of loving ourselves.

  8. Miki Bowers says:

    I feel the same way. Thank you for making it more clear in my head. I don't have a solution, but wanted to give you my support.

  9. Andy SF says:

    This is very synchronistic that you posted this article at this current moment in time. I have been struggling with this the most I have ever struggled with it in my entire life the past two weeks, and it has been the most prominent thing on my mind lately. My situation differs slightly, being a gay male who needs and wants intimacy, security, trust, and compassion in order to feel comfortable opening up. I recently re located to SF from Boulder a few months back, with hopes of starting anew-and finding a trusting loving person. (Bigger pool with more fish, right?) I have been mistaken, thus far, but that is okay. The gay community is all the same, with the no strings sex. I have been thinking to myself almost the exact thoughts you wrote for quite some time now. Thank you, it makes me feel a bit better, reading through the comments seeing there are others like ourselves. I feel Ali got it right on the nose. As nice as it is to share those feelings with someone, the closeness, and touch, the longest relationship we will ever have is with ourselves.
    Right on, best wishes.

  10. B B says:

    I channel that energy into creativity, making art, dancing, doing yoga, shamanic journeying taking care of my animals and plants and meditation and I also masturbate. Basically spending more intimate time with myself looking inward and learning more about who I am and what makes me feel whole, happy, grounded and connected to myself and this planet.
    The good thing is I have more time to do these things when I am not in a relationship with a man. When I have a man around he seems to take up a lot of my energy. Maybe I have been with the wrong men. Being on my own feels really good these days. Good men are hard to come by and I no longer define my worth according to whether I am with a man or not. I hope the next time I meet one I find interesting I am able to see him for who he really is rather than a fantasy and if my needs are not being met I will let him go instead of wasting my time and energy trying to hang on to someone who does not deserve me.

  11. OMgirl says:

    You explained how I feel so perfectly! I didnt know I needed the intimacy until I was in a relationship where I felt safe enough to be totally open. Now that the relationship has ended, I crave the intimacy and the sex..together. It is a tough place to be in, personally. Im afraid to be so open with another person, for fear of being devastated again but in need of that sense of connection. If I figure it out, I will make sure to share! LOL!

  12. Nicole says:

    Wow, exactly me! I'd love to hear what you're to do as well. I'm starting to think its easier to find a bathing suit than a mate whom I trust and feel safe with and can have the kind of intimacy and sex I need to be me. Great article. Thank you.

  13. niranjana says:

    yess and yess and yess…thanks a lot, too for this answer and this really beautiful, bone-true "report". touch down, thank you !

  14. aj :) says:

    i totally have that same experience… i've been single for quite a while, and definitely feel lonely often… i tend to meditate more to remind myself of who i am truly, and seek deep conversations and connections with friends. i ask for hugs and seek emotional connection more, and know that if the universe wants me to have a physical partner to teach me something new about myself and about the divine, it will happen. it's exactly the right timing, and i have exactly enough time to work on myself before that day. 🙂 my main job is to take care of myself body and soul, so that is what i do.

  15. Y4HNS says:

    well said:)

  16. Ariel says:

    I’ve understand what you’ve said but I don’t think sexuality is a peak of the mutual trust. It can be extremely passionate as love can be. It can be extremely fun as a game can be; Maybe should you take drugs to liberate your animal instincts and beeing perfectly fearless?

    with respect

    loved the article

  17. Y4HNS says:

    What BB said in her comment is so true. I have been completely alone for 2 1/2 years since my marriage ended. it has been really, really hard being alone and facing a lot of stuff, but by taking that time, surrendering and creating intimate experiences with myself and being out in nature, I am now in a stronger place filled with self love and finally comfortable with who I am and know what I need and want in a partner. The problem now is, meeting that person! I have meet some great guys but they aren't anywhere near ready for what I want and have to offer. I see red flags so clearly now where perhaps I wouldn't of before and would of got hurt. This is frustrating, lonely and can sure take a toll on my self esteem since I need something much deeper then a roll in the hay. We are all such fragile creatures aren't we… sigh… I have been really writing down what I want and need in a partner and meditating on it every night. I have to believe that the right person, at the right time, will find me and that magic and intimacy will manifest through the mystery of this amazing universe we live in. Its been close a few times…

  18. Tea says:

    So rather then embracing your needs and feeling complete… you want to wash and numb yourself to needs and desires with drugs? Isn't that exactly NOT what is being discussed? that sounds like running away from your needs and shaming yourself to me.

  19. Galen says:

    Just point of interest. I realize that your speaking from the female side of humanity, most likely because that’s the one you know best and have the most right to speak from. I can speak for the other half, so I’d like to say that this is totally true for at least some males as well. Sex without intimacy is rather unsatisfying on several levels, and in many ways not worth my time.

  20. alrishi says:

    I have to agree with Galen. As a heterosexual male, I've always wanted the emotional connection, but when I was younger, just the connection of bodies was OK by me. Once I hit my 40's, the emotional connection became much more important; like my sexuality flowed through the emotional connection, and no emotional connection = no interest. I do sometimes feel that pressure to be the "sexual animal" that doesn't care about emotional connection, but I think that is just not the reality for many, and probably most men once they get older. I still very much want all out lusty sex, I just want it within the context of emotional intimacy. I don't have any solutions to that issue, but I want to say that it's exactly the same for me as you describe in this article. It seems we have an intimacy crisis going on in the world; we all need to get a lot better at it, being vulnerable (especially men), acknowledging our shadow, speaking about our feelings without projecting our fears, etc.

  21. RMG says:

    too much emphasis of sex in this world…….one of thee major attachments….i feel intimacy is a beautifully mutual thing for both human genders! humans are the only creatures to use this as anything other than procreation really.

  22. Teo says:

    Agree, sex without intimacy, without being vulnerable, is as dull as caressing a mannequin. And I’m speaking from a male perspective. I admire a woman I’m with, her body, her breath, her desire, encourage her to be selfish and open, and that makes the intimacy the most delicious.
    But how about emotional attachment to the person you had the intimacy with?
    If the intimacy was so delicious would you become possessive and jealous, and obsessive with the intimacy partner? How to deal with that part of sex with intimacy?

  23. miriam says:

    Just be yourself and enjoy yourself… By yourself and the right lover will come along. Patience works really. well Enjoy your own company and ride with it…Better to wait for good sex than just settling for shit that makes you feel just a little crappier.

  24. Emily says:

    Yes, thank you so much for this answer!

  25. Emily says:

    Yes, Thank you for this!

  26. rae ann says:

    thought of this for a while. Human beings are thee only creatures that use sex for so many other things than pro creation. so much emphasis on this part of relationship creates such an unhealthy way of looking at love. If one "needs" to have sex in a relationship than it is an inward attachment. Intimacy is not sex. but yes sex can be intimate..the "need" for anything in a sexual relationship is selfish act and an inward dependency for fulfillment. Sex is for Pro-creation. not to say it is not a beautiful and orgasmic energetic feeling. The attachment to Sex in this society is unhealthy balance and keeps us in the lower chakras. lower vibration. and a great tool to keep people their where they can use this to manipulate the mind….

  27. Jeanette says:

    Thank you for your honesty, anonymiss! I can relate to a lot of this. 🙂

  28. Jeanette says:

    Thank you for sharing, Melinda. 🙂

  29. Jeanette says:

    Thank you for opening up, Andy. Sending you lots of warmth and good energy. <3

  30. Jeanette says:

    Beautiful reply. Thank you, AJ. 🙂

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  32. Cesare says:

    I'm like the other men who posted here, being very much the minority as a man who wants intimacy. During dry spells friends/coworkers wanted to hook me up with a prostitute, and they couldn't believe that I didn't take them up on the offer. Frankly I doubt I could even get it up with a prostitute. Speaking of which, in the one "relationship" I had that had virtually no intimacy, or inconsistent intimacy, the only way I could have sex with her was with the use of Levitra/Viagra, despite the fact that she was hot as hell.

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