Why I’m (Finally) Okay with Being Single. ~ Amy Chan

Via elephant journal
on Dec 4, 2012
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Alone Tree
Photo: Zahoяí

I have spent a significant portion of my life focusing a great deal of energy on dating a man, pining over a man, getting over a man, crying over a man or wishing for a man.

Blame it on daddy issues, the media or simply a lack of personal identity that resulted in me believing I’d feel significant only when classified as someone’s significant other.

Currently, I am single. I am content. And I have to say, it feels pretty damn empowering.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure my ovaries are impatiently on stand-by, wondering if they’ll ever fulfill their mission of procreation. And don’t think I’m exempt from fantasizing if I’ll ever have my own “you had me at ‘hello’” moment. I am still a dreamer. I am still the girl who hopes to create a love so powerful and magnificent that it can change the world.

My faith in love has not changed; however, my urgency to find it has. I’m quite satisfied focusing my energy on personal growth, passions, work and my friends and family. Yet, although I am comfortable in my single status, I often find others have an issue with it. I’m sure many of you can relate to the experience of hanging around couples who are constantly strategizing on how to get you out of your single condition. Instead of singledom being regarded as a rite of passage, it is perceived as a temporary phase one should be so lucky to get out of.

I’ve heard it all—my clock is ticking and I need to do this and that in order to secure a partner. But what if right now, I’m happy with where I am? Who is to say I need to do anything except be open and let life flow organically?


So, why is finding love no longer a priority?

First, I feel I’ve reached a place in my life where I’m a lot more comfortable with who I am, and don’t feel the need to have anyone or anything complete me. I understand when a person doesn’t feel whole, the immediate reaction is to try and find someone else to fill that emptiness. This can lead to an unhealthy long-term connection. I don’t need to chase the high of lust, or fill an addiction of feeling wanted. I understand that love comes when you love yourself first and foremost, and I’d rather love when I’m ready, not when I’m lonely.

Second, I feel a strong sense of faith. No, not that of the religious kind. But the kind of faith you develop when you’ve been through some really bad stuff only to get back up stronger and wiser. It’s the belief that I am exactly where I should be—in every aspect of my life. It’s the trust in knowing that everything has its time and place—and that the more you try to control things, the more the best parts of life resist you.

It’s believing that the people I’ve loved and lost, the ones that broke my heart and the ones that nourished it, the relationships that came together with ease and the ones that fell apart with neglect had purpose—that all of these experiences are a part of the journey to love. A love that must first exist within yourself, and only then can it be truly shared with another.

If you are single and can relate to feeling the pressure of partnering up, both from society and from ourselves, I’ll leave you with this: trust the process.

Know that heartache is just preparing you for the person you are meant to be with. Have faith that sometimes, things don’t work out with someone in the present because they are meant to work with somebody else in the future.

And remember, the most important love is the love you have for yourself. Once you’ve mastered that, the rest will come. All the pieces will fall into place exactly the way they are supposed to. The journey of love is not a destination; rather, it’s one that is brewing inside of you every minute of your life.

And one day, when it is time, it will connect with another force of love—whether that love is a person, a passion or a calling. Enjoy the journey.

Amy Chan
 is a marketing maven by day and a relationship columnist by night. She writes for the Huffington Post, The Vancouver Sun and has a bi-weekly “Ask Amy” column for Sun Media’s 24 Hours Newspaper. A Simon Fraser University graduate in Communications and Sociology, Amy doesn’t claim to be a relationship expert. She is however, someone who empathizes and understands human behavior and how it’s affected by popular culture. She is gifted in articulating the experiences and struggles of life in a relatable and inspiring way for her readers. To read more of her blogs, visit www.amyfabulous.com. Follow her on Twitter and Facebook. 

Editor: Anne Clendening

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12 Responses to “Why I’m (Finally) Okay with Being Single. ~ Amy Chan”

  1. Drupadi says:

    I'm single and loving it. I sometimes don't want to say this because society can sometimes be too judgy. That deep down every single people long to find a partner. But you hit the nail right on the head. I'd rather love when I'm ready, not when I'm lonely. Thanks for sharing this.

  2. MatBoy says:

    Cupids arrows are not predictable: we never know when they will strike nor how devastating they will be. Thinking about your present status is fine but, for me, my conclusions are all tossed out once the arrow strikes.

    Your advice is useful and inspiring for managing through the periods without a partner or when not involved in the hunt, but what happens when all this is thrown out of balance and deeper urges start surfacing and exerting themselves? Can you resist? Do you want to resist?

    Life is a constant balancing act and we always, eventually, fall off the knife edge. The best thing is to anticipate the fall and learn how to find one’s feet (self) again and discover a way of climbing back onto the edge for another go at it. We must walk the edge alone but it produces wonderful stories to share with those around us.

  3. namastekala says:

    Well said! I feel the exact same way and it sounds like we're on the same journey – as I'm sure there are many of us. Maybe it's this particular space and time in which there are so many of us who finally feel ok with who we are. It's not just a matter of loving ourselves as single, but more like an awakening of our true essence which is pure love.

  4. Lynn says:

    Nicely put!!! Never have I felt so invigorating than I do as a single woman!!!

  5. cit1 says:

    Great article, thanks!

  6. B.B says:

    I couldn't agree with you more, this piece is brilliant! "Single isn't a status. It's a word that describes a person who is strong enough to enjoy life without depending on others."

  7. HeatherM says:


    I am totally in agreement with this. Everyone thinks to be happy you NEED a partner. Actually, I think learning to be alone is really quite right for some persons. As far as I can tell there are 2 problems:

    1) when people who are alone want not to be alone
    2) when all the couple people impose their belief system onto single folks

    We just don't know what we just don't know. If we are married and happy, we might think being single is horrible. If we are single and never married and happy, we might think being married is horrible.

    Having been in both places….single, in a relationship and now married….the latter is certainly no picnic…and coming into it later in life is also difficult…..esp. when one was very independent, etc.

    So in the end, it's all about balance…and being honest to yourself.

    I think it's also really helpful to remember the wise words of the Buddha….re: nothing is permanent.
    If we are single, we should know that might change.
    If we are together, we should know that might change.

    ENJOY where you are at…..biggest life lesson!

    Thanks again for your article and sharing.

  8. Kate Southward says:

    This is such an inspiring post and something I really needed to read today! Thanks for sharing Amy xx

  9. […] For the first time, in quite some time, I am not in a romantic relationship. […]

  10. […] not because there wouldn’t be anyone there to help me, but because I just turned 35 and I’m still not married. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was some kind of loser because I didn’t have that […]

  11. Traci says:

    Great post! I feel the same way…I stopped hanging out with some of my single friends last year because they would go out only to 'find a date or find the one'. No thanks.
    I love being single. It's a great feeling to know that I don't need someone to make me feeI 'complete' or 'happy'. If I date someone and it doesn't work out I just move on. It's a great feeling 😛

  12. Jackie says:

    Feel this way too and a few years ago started seeing statistics about how more and more adults are staying single for longer than in previous generations. I know that by single the articles were referring to people who were legally not married but may have been in long term relationships. However, not all those singles were partnered, so it was interesting that even partnered folks are not marrying at younger ages than in the past. Societal trend perhaps. Meaning, we are not as singled out in our singleness as we may think.