Exes in the Present: One Man’s Perspective. ~ Andy Ryfa

Via elephant journal
on Jan 31, 2013
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Not all of us can let go of the past, but the question begs, “Does the past have a place in your present happiness?”

The older we get, the more baggage we carry.

Baggage isn’t always a bad thing; it’s merely the past. It goes along with us.

The most important thing we all have to remember is that the past is the past. It’s there for a reason and should never be placed in the present or future, otherwise it will block the path that allows the present to unfold into the future.

The majority of past relationships ended for a reason, most likely a valid one. When we start a new relationship, we should have come to a consensus in our mind, body and heart that we are ready to try something new. It’s exciting, fun, new, different and scary all at once; We begin to create memories and let the past ones fade a little.

Not all of us can let go of the past, but the question begs, “Does the past have a place in your present happiness?”

The answer is tricky and is different for everyone, but as a man, I know we are very sensitive creatures.

This is in a man’s perspective: When we have a girlfriend, we expect her to be ours.

Let me explain: I don’t mean it to be in a possessive manner, I mean it in the sense that we are an item. Typically, we don’t have high school sweethearts whom we stick with for years on end. We come into the picture years down the road.

We already have had history. We accept it. Do we want to know about your past? Yes and no. We want to know you’re stable. We want to know you’ve moved past things. Yet, we also understand that we aren’t a huge part of your life, just yet.

So, do we want to know if you’ve moved on from it all? Yes.

Do we want to know the nitty-gritty details of it all? No.

Do we want to be reminded of the past boys in your life, regardless of how miniscule or minute they may be? Not really.

So when an ex-boyfriend comes into the picture, yes, we get scared. We can be confident, cocky and have all our shit together, but we are realists. We know that you have had a past with them. We may be in it a few months, a year, but we don’t necessarily need a reminder that your past is somewhere again in the present.

Men typically cannot understand emotions as easily and thoroughly as women. We were raised to hide our emotions and “be men” and stay “strong”.

However, this also makes us sensitive when it comes to emotional events because we have a difficulty in comprehending or expressing these emotions.

When I begin a new relationship with someone, I take it all in. I am flooded with emotions and feelings that come in as a flurry. I’m usually extremely happy; I’m also scared of what can happen and what she truly feels for me.

We are sensitive little flowers contrary to popular belief.

So when an ex-fling or boyfriend comes into the picture, we easily get confused and scared. Thoughts come flooding into our brain and we get filled with rational thoughts such as:

“Does she miss him?”

“Does she text him a lot?”

“Have they met up?”

“Why is he texting her?”

“Why is she texting him?”

“When’s the last time they saw each other?”

These are not irrational thoughts to have, man or woman. It’s a normal response. But let’s face it: they have had a history before. They have kissed, shared memories, made love and might have even planned a cute, little future together.

These are thoughts that inevitably come into one’s mind. They are not pleasant and not always easily pushed aside as irrelevant or irrational. Men get jealous. We think these things and the brain turmoil of downfall may start-up and begin cranking.

All in all, there is real no good reason an ex should be in the present. There are exceptions to all the rules, but in a general sense, if you are happy in your present, you won’t dwell on your past. Yes, it got you here, but it’s just a stepping stone to where you are today.

So as a man, all we can do is accept the truth that there were exes somewhere along the line. But bringing them into the present or keeping them here isn’t healthy for what you want out of a relationship. A new relationship is a new journey.

Like any trip, there is only so much baggage you can take.


Andy RyfaMy name is Andy Ryfa and I am a young man just looking for what the world has to offer. Writing is my way to explore the world and touch, as well as entertain, other people through my words.




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Ed: Bryonie Wise


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8 Responses to “Exes in the Present: One Man’s Perspective. ~ Andy Ryfa”

  1. Olga says:

    Love it Andy!!!

  2. You hit it on the nail! This makes me think of Wale's song "Diary".

  3. @ElianaBorja says:

    We're really not so different , are we ? ♀♂

  4. @AndyRyfa says:

    When it comes to the core of what we want, I don't think we are that different.

  5. jim fry says:


    Thanks for sharing these reflections!

    On the topic of what's shared, some critical discernment helps a lot. I always ask what they want to know and then provide that level. Most women have seemed to have a good level of discernment, but it really isn't much fun when anyone commences comparing you with someone in their past. People tell you who they are. If you listen, you'll find out things between the lines, such as that they really haven't released their last relationship enough to be in their next one. (( Ouch! ))

    On how much connection with past partners is reasonable, I feel there is a really large spectrum. I've kept in touch with many and there hasn't seemed to be much problem. For me it comes down to I want to be with someone that wants to be with me, and I offer myself 100%. From that perspective, boundaries are pretty simple. We all know what's right; trick is, it does differ (wildly) for each. Better to find strong comparability in mutual intentions than to try and change each other (or suffering through tolerance of an incompatible level of contact).

    For your next blog, how about some tips on having NO anxiety on a first date? { smiles }


  6. @AndyRyfa says:

    Well put. I definitely agree that this all varies wildly when it comes to what is right for one another. Changing someone rarely ever works. If one does change, is the other truly happy with the change or are the just conforming in hopes of what may come.

    I actually have written a few things about first dates, but never about anxiety on a first date and how to conquer it. I have written advice on where to go, what to do, what not to do, etc.

    First dates are tricky. They may it or break it. It's almost like an interview, so in essence, I think everyone is nervous. However, there are ways to just change that nervousness, take it to your advantage, and go with it.
    I am sure people have heard, "He was nervous but it was so cute." .. it shows the girl you actually care and want to be there.

  7. jim fry says:

    Ohm Y! Andy!

    You have nailed the change phenomenon!

    I may be writing something soon about first dates. I do have anxiety, on some firsts, probably because I am generally projecting myself outside my comfort zones, to where the magick is found.

    I once jumped the puddle to go on a first date in England and ended up with a peak (nonsexual) spiritual experience, and met some awesome people.

    I went on another first date and moved in for 8 weeks.

    Life is curious and wickedly wondrous.


  8. @AndyRyfa says:

    I was actually thinking a lot about changes and differences in people. There was something I read once, a quote, that goes… cherish the similarities but respect the differences. I think a lot of people find that differences are a challenge.

    First dates are always tricky, but can be a lot of fun.