Finding Happiness in My Own Skin. ~ Lynn Bonelli

Via elephant journal
on Jan 15, 2013
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Trying To Fix My Self When I Was Not Broken

As my dad drove up the interstate from Florida to Pennsylvania, heading to Grammy’s house for Christmas, I rolled down the window in my backseat refuge and let the wind pound on my face.

Dogs do this for sheer joy but I was doing it with an agenda, a silent prayer to God that he would somehow reshape my face into something beautiful. I thought my face was like sculptor’s clay, malleable and still wet…able to become more than what it presently was; I was only 12 and so it seemed possible (please God, it had to be possible) and not just some crazy idea.

It’s not that I was ugly necessarily; it’s just that I wasn’t special.

On this particular trip to see Grammy she would coin the phrase that I would embrace as my whole personality—“mousy brown”—nothing spectacular, kind of dull, unremarkable. Of course, she hadn’t been describing me when she used the phrase, but I embraced it nonetheless. She was quite loving and doted on me, always having my favorite cereal, Apple Jacks, in the white washed cupboard every time we visited (even when I was 24 years old).

Christmas at Grammy Weber’s house (my sister on the left and me on the right)
Christmas at Grammy Weber’s house (my sister on the left and me on the right)

I was born a brunette introvert and my sister, the exact opposite, a blonde extrovert. Although this probably isn’t uncommon, I often wonder if our extreme differences fed our personalities even more. During our teens, she became more and more rebellious while I became more passive and what I would call invisible, never causing my parents problems or concern.

My sister, naturally beautiful, exuberant, smart and outgoing, was everything I wished I could be but instead, I was mousy brown.

Being an Air Force Brat I took every move across the country as an opportunity to reinvent myself, long before Madonna became famous for doing so. I would tell myself that I was going to be known as Susanne, my middle name, because Lynn was far too boring and obviously holding me back. If I could change my name then I could change who I was completely. But, in the end, I always chickened out and would blurt out “Hi, I’m Lynn!” afraid that the other party would somehow know I was an imposter.

Over the years I read numerous self-help books that promised to change me into who I was really supposed to be, which I’m sure was a table-top dancing socialite who also happened to be BFF’s with Jenn Aniston. But these books never took into consideration that which I already was.

I was always trying to fix myself even though, as I look back, I’m not sure I was even broken.

Had I just embraced my personality at an early age, I might have saved myself from years and years of living an inauthentic life. I believe that this fight, which persisted in my mind, led me to much of the depression I suffered as a young adult. I was constantly comparing myself to my more outgoing sister and friends, often forcing myself to project that image although it grated against my very existence. It was exhausting and left me feeling hollow and unable to define who I really was inside.

It makes for a hard life, this denial of our true self.

Making decisions based on who we wish we were rather than embracing who we really are leads to shallow relationships, stressful work situations (if you’re an introvert who accepts a position geared toward an outgoing, extroverted personality, it can cause you to dread waking up on Monday morning) and, perhaps worse of all, it can mean missing out on opportunities that help introverts thrive.

This is the same issue I take with self-help books and magazine articles whose sole purpose is to convince us that we are never quite good enough.

It’s a fine balance and one that is in constant flux. However, if we fight against our inherent personalities, seeking to change those very things which define us as who we truly are and buy into the billion dollar self-help industry we will forever be at war with ourselves.

Granted, there is nothing wrong with trying to increase our compassion, overcome our addictions, break our bad habits and enhance our goods ones but change must come from a place of love and acceptance, not of loathing, self-hate or denial.

Over the past few years, I’ve learned to accept myself as being exactly who I need to be, in the place I am at that very moment and to look at these moments and circumstances as opportunities that can either enhance my life, open my mind, validate (or invalidate) a belief or even offer a major life-changing revelation.

Learning to meditate helped me realize that right inside of me is perfection…to accept that “God” is in all of us is to accept that there must be perfection in us as well.

Like sculptor Michelangelo, who brought out the beauty that was already inside the stone without destroying the entire stone, we too must search for our authentic selves without destroying everything that makes us… us.


Lynn BonnelliLynn Bonelli was born in Japan and grew up an Air Force brat in the 70’s and 80’s. Spending half her life never really grounded she is often found rearranging her life, or at least her furniture, whenever she feels restless. Having recently met and married her soul-mate (third time’s the charm) and hitting the road as a full-time RVer Lynn is on a quest to rediscover America and feed her restless heart. Visit me on my blog here.

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Asst. Editor: Edith Lazenby
Ed: Kate Bartolotta



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24 Responses to “Finding Happiness in My Own Skin. ~ Lynn Bonelli”

  1. Carolyn Riker says:

    Lynn, this is beautiful, honest and pure. You shine through in such a real way and you speak to my heart as well as many others, I'm sure of that Thank you!!!

  2. Marylou says:

    I'm proud of you…exposing your soft, squishy under-side to the world. I can imagine Dad's chest swollen with pride had he been able to read this. Keep thim coming Lynn!

  3. Lenka says:

    Beautiful!! Thank you for sharing, I so connect with u on this one xxx

  4. LynnBonelli says:

    Thank you so much Carolyn…I am so grateful that my story touched you, it has made hitting the submit button not quite as terrifying.

  5. LynnBonelli says:

    My beautiful sister, thank you for reading…and thank you for the comment about Dad, I like to think that he had a big influence on my writing as he is a big part of my inspiration.

  6. LynnBonelli says:

    I'm so happy you liked it Lenka, I truly appreciate your comment. xo

  7. Holly says:

    So glad that you shared this, I really enjoyed reading it.

  8. lori says:

    Great article! I too am searching for the authentic life – trying to skip the rest.

  9. Anne says:

    Loved this. Closed the link by accident midway through but made sure to come back to read to the end. I think learning and embracing who we are is a lifelong endeavor. I’m not sure you “caused” yourself unhappiness by thinking you needed to be more like your sister. I think we all have to learn who we really are, and maybe that is just how you came to learn about yourself and that’s okay. I look forward to reading more of your writings.

  10. LynnBonelli says:

    Thanks Holly…I'm very happy you enjoyed it.

  11. LynnBonelli says:

    I'm sure you'll find it…know to look is key. Thanks for reading!

  12. LynnBonelli says:

    So glad you came back to finish and comment. Perhaps you're right…that it's all a part of the journey. That's a wonderful perspective! Thanks for reading and I hope to be able to contribute more to elephant journal. Stay tuned!

  13. WendyKeslick says:

    This is a beautiful article. Thank you for sharing your personal journey.

  14. Dimitri Kaushik says:

    Hi Lynn… Thank you so much for this wonderful write-up. As many have mentioned, its so honest that you can relate to it immediately. Scary parts were how you described about the dog habit of letting the wind gush into the face when the car's travelling at a decent speed… Wishing… Hoping.. For miracles…
    Wow.. made me remember my days. I can say i have become one of those who was an introvert and forced myself to be an extrovert to survive. Battle still continues to find the right balance where i don't appear to be overdoing it and appear as a fake.
    So thumbs up.. Great write. Feels good to read in a simple language without too many anecdotes and jargons about someone's life.
    Thank you again and God bless!!!!

  15. lisa says:

    nice article Lynn, and one that i am sure will help others…just think if someone had written for you (and I) to read at a young age to remind us that we are not broken. thank you.

  16. LynnBonelli says:

    Thank you so much for your comment.

  17. LynnBonelli says:

    Thanks so much Dimitri…I have often worried about the simplicity of my writing but, it is who I am and I aim to be true to myself in the second half of my life. I've never spoken (or written) about the wind in the face thing before…it seemed so pathetic really…but I've been inspired lately by some of the writing on ej that I felt almost safe. I'm so happy to have comments like yours, it is very encouraging.

  18. LynnBonelli says:

    Ah, yes, it is so hard being young…trying to figure out who we are and how to be comfortable in our own skin. I am inspired to think that perhaps my story my help someone…thank you for your kind comment.

  19. Lauren says:

    Lynn!! This is so the Michelangelo comparison at the end. The word for 2013 that I picked out for myself is: authentic. This mirrors so many of my thoughts lately. I love all the writing you've been doing lately.

  20. Chris says:

    Hi Lynn, thank you for taking the time to share so much of yourself in such a genuine way. x

  21. LynnBonelli says:

    Thanks Lauren…I am looking forward to seeing your writing here soon!!

  22. LynnBonelli says:

    I am overwhelmed by the comments and support here and appreciate that you took the time to read and comment as well. Thank you!

  23. Julie says:

    Beautiful and powerful article. I hope it is read by many. I realize how much I have denied my own
    introverted state. I don't think anyone wants to be introverted.
    It's a rich beautiful place inside but society has mainly suited extroverts
    in the job market. Very enlightening. So happy you are happy and living the dream – of life, love, and authenticity!
    May abundance kiss you often.