February 25, 2013

Everyone Seems Afraid to Say it, but The Onion is Just a Bunch of Bloated, Balding, Star Wars Fanatics with Nothing Better to do Between Comic-Cons.

Source: flickr.com via Humphrey on Pinterest


Sure, the Oscars dragged on (and on and on and on).

And sure, we all got a little bored with the droning on of the endless acceptance speeches and canned comedy shticks.

And, oh my God—do I even really still give a shit?

But yet, here we all are engaging in our own post-Oscar ‘reviews.’ And, in a dialogue that should be dominated by the movies and the awards and the ‘didn’t you just love what such and such said’s,’ sadly, there’s just one thing that seems to have gotten stuck in our collective minds.

That offensive little tweet straight from the Onion’s ‘brilliant’ writer minds.

Seriously, guys?

I mean, I know that there’s this edge in satire—the one that gets pushed and nudged all the time. But, for God’s sake—she’s nine years old, and carrying a puppy purse. And this was her big night.

And sadly, it was spoiled by an urge from one of your pot-bellied writers, who, in an effort to grab just a little bit more of that uber-competitive ratings space, distilled all of this young gal’s accomplishments into one vulgar ‘c-word.’

If that were my daughter, there would be hell to pay.

But, I digress.

I guess, the question I have is two-fold: how low do we stoop in our efforts to boost readership? And do you really think calling someone a c*nt sells?

Steve Hannah, CEO, The Onion offered the following ‘apology’ to Ms. Wallis:

“No person should be subjected to such a senseless, humorless comment masquerading as satire.”

Uhm…wait, I’m confused…isn’t that the basis for the majority of Onion articles?

He continues,

“We have instituted new and tighter Twitter procedures to ensure that this kind of mistake does not occur again.”

Thanks, Steve, but as my Mom used to say, “You just can’t ‘unring’ a bell.”

Perhaps, now would be a great time to quote one of your earlier Onion article’s, Steve,

“Upon reviewing the impromptu remarks I made Sunday afternoon, I can now see that I used the wrong words in the wrong way. I would now like to set the record straight with the American people and clear up some confusion about what it was I intended to convey. But what I meant to say was,

“I am a worthless, moronic sack of shit and an utterly irredeemable human being who needs to shut up and go away forever.”

I have to admit, I used to like reading The Onion—but after this? No way in hell.

Ethically, I could never stoop to such obvious ‘click pandering’ by referring to the Onion’s writing staff as a group of bloated, balding, geeky Star Wars fanatics with nothing better to do between Comic-Cons…than to suck down Doritos whilst arguing whether or not one photon torpedo could screw up your entire day….

Or likewise, whether or not a Federation ships ever made the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs…

No, no, that would be wrong (and not at all in line with elephant journals strict standards for satire.)

Hey, come to think of it, that felt kind of good.

Shame on you Onion staff and writers… this time you went too far.


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Ed: Kate Bartolotta

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