7.5
February 11, 2013

The Unbearable Heaviness of Being Human.

Source: Michele via Dan H. on Pinterest

The past few days, the weight of my heavy heart has brought me to my knees.

I bring my forehead to touch the ground, with gratitude, with grief, with sorrow, with joy. For all of these emotions are me, in any given moment…in every given moment.

Through our practice we strive to find our breath, heart, body, spirit; we search for bliss and glee and happiness. And I, in my own practice, also work to nurture and hold the darkness that at times drops down like a veil of the blackest night sky.

The moon sometimes glows above me, but there are moments when not even the most powerful stars can penetrate the hard thoughts in my mind.

As I continue to practice, as I dive deeper into this human being that is me, I am consistently confronted with the many faces of myself.

I try, most days, to meet myself where I am, with a warm heart and kind eyes; when I am in integrity, this is easy, so easy. But when I stray outside of my authentic self, it gets harder to meet my demons with softness.

I strive to be the fawn in the woods, who meets the monster before her with so much compassion that the power of her love melts him away.

I strive to listen to my heart and speak truth and love and do everything I can to live well in this world.

This works, sometimes.

Other times, I am a harder version of me; I am my ice queen, sad martyr, or engaged enabler. All traits that grew to protect my heart; all traits that must be leashed if I am to live life to the fullest.

In the past few days, I’ve been disappointed with the waves of anger I can feel raging inside; instead of sitting and listening and breathing and holding, I hear my thoughts and my fears rush up and immediately, my sharp edge pushes back.

My ability to speak clearly is stunted, as a traffic jam of words piles up in my throat; a knot, a road block of sorts, is keeping it all in.

I should be better at this, I think. I shouldn’t feel so angry. I should practice my practice, so that I can continue to be kind. 

Angry at what? Anything and everything and everyone.

I can say:

Oh, damn that thick snow that doubles (and triples) my travel time from class-to-class; the weight of my boots on my feet, the weariness of the cold in my bones.

Or,

It’s the passing of my love, like strangers in the night, as we live disconnected and disjointed, he in night, and I in the day. Miscommunication and the challenges that all love holds. 

And,

It was that wild man, the other day, who stopped dead in the middle of the sidewalk, making gestures at me in the falling snow and yelled: I have children who are way more fucking attractive than you, you ugly bitch; to which I responded (to my surprise) with a raging Go fuck yourself!

There are also these moments:

Where I feel that everyone needs something all of the time and how I wish I had a door that I could shut, in a room of my own, so that not even the furry beasts that love me unconditionally could get in.

I can make all manner of excuses, and as thoughts and feelings full of judgements of others arise, as I my talkback to myself becomes more heated and more frustrated, I think I might actually explode, my head busting into a thousand—no—a million pieces.

There is so much hurt in this world, I think. So many hearts I know, in pain and sorrow; so many people that I love are suffering. And so many people, that I’ve never met, are suffering too.

Really, if I keep digging, I can keep coming up with reasons; perhaps, even, creating ones where they simply do not exist.

This is the unbearable heaviness of being human.

Sometimes, I feel so sad that I can barely stand, and other times, happiness radiates from every pore, and I can feel myself float a few inches from the ground.

This too, is my practice; this too, is life.

 

 

 

 

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Elise Swansborough Jan 9, 2016 7:23pm

Oh I so needed this…I have a tendency to be caught by the down side….so,much pain and viciousness in the world …not just for each other but for me, most particularly, all night humans and nature and our Earth Mother…it really hurts…but I still get those odd explosions of the ecstasy…
It just gets hard to maintain the balance sometimes…licking honey from the razor's edge, indeed.
Hugs and blessings to you.

Lisa Jan 19, 2014 5:01pm

Thank you for sharing your truth, which is also the truth I bear. Being able to relate to ourselves and share that with others is a sacred gifts that creates the nurturing bonds we so longingly crave. Every time a new soul travels into or through my world and shares this truth I feel so much less alone, and some of that unbearable sadness of being human lifts,because I know that I am not alone. Again. And that as I make my own way, I can know you are there, all of you, doing the same thing. And mostly I know that we really do matter, individually and collectively, as we share our truths. namaste.

Amy Evergreen Jan 19, 2014 1:11am

Me…in a nutshell. Beautifully written. Touches my soul. Softly rolling tears.

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Bryonie Wise

Bryonie’s life is rooted in the belief that when we come from a place of love, anything is possible. When not teaching yoga or writing her heart to the bone, she can be found frolicking in the sunshine with her camera & her dog, Winston, living her yoga. Stay in the loop of all her magical happenings, connect with her on Facebook, TwitterInstagram—& maybe even add her first book, HEART ROAR: A Book of Tiny Prayers to your collection.