March 26, 2013

The Truth Hurts? 5 tips on How to Say It.

The biggest issue many people have in expressing their truth is their own inner critic.

We can’t predict the outcome, but we try to control it by how we may phrase our feelings to another person.

It also means the inner critic will kick our ass if we say something, which could garner a bad reaction from someone else.

The key is to stop focusing on the outcome.

Looking within, how do we feel about a situation?

Do we know what our true feelings are, or could they be buried under the muck of anger, hurt or resentment?

Most people who don’t express their truth walk around this planet with all sorts of walled up emotions, watching every word they say, so as not to say the “wrong thing.”

I know people who review over and over what they are going to say in their head before they speak, worried that someone will abandoned them or perhaps, let ’em have it!

Someone may let us have it if they’re used to a caricature we’ve created. We may let someone down or they may get angry because we’ve been pretending. Yes, pretending to be in agreement with them in some fashion.

Think about a movie in which the protagonist has put up with all sorts of crap for 85 minutes. We get angry for them, because we want to fix their problem. And then finally, finally the protagonist has enough of the antagonist’s BS and gives it to ’em good.

As the audience we cheer,Yeah Baby! Kick their butt!” We think it’s authentic communication, which states the truth.


Our truth is always in us.

It lurks beneath every “no” when we mean yes and every “yes” when we mean no.

It sits in wait, such as when we say “everything is okay,” when in fact it plain sucks.

It simmers, creating anxiety in our gut as we do something to “go along to get along,” knowing at some later date we will pay a bigger price for having hidden our truth.

When our inner critic is yapping in our ear, it can shut out our true feelings about a subject. The inner critic may tell us what words are acceptable to others, or say, “Remember what happened last time you tried to express your displeasure, unhappiness, sadness, etc?”

The inner critic lives large in us, if we grew up in a very critical household. We’ll second guess every decision we make because we can’t discern if we’re just reacting or rebelling vs. if there’s a genuine passion or desire to make a certain decision.

However, we can put the inner critic in the corner for a time out and give ourselves a chance to state our truth. Here’s how:

1. Meditate.

If you can take 30 seconds, you have started on the road to silencing your worst enemy. When you meditate, notice how you really feel about something; it’s easier because your focus is not on the voice in your head; it’s centered on feelings.

2. Do yoga.

Same benefit, though it’s harder to get through a yoga class if you’re battling yourself. So, get into the flow, let go for 90 minutes and don’t focus on your issues or your feelings, yet feel your emotions—don’t block. Ever cried in a yoga class? Yep, me too.

3. Write it out.

Feel the situation. What are your feelings? Start writing it all down. Now, throw it away and start again.

This time, own your feelings. It’s not what someone else did to you, but how did their actions/words affect you? “Jack, when you say A, I feel B.” This let’s Jack know the impact on you. It doesn’t mean Jack will change his behavior, but hopefully he’ll be more mindful of where you are at, especially if you take responsibility for your own emotions. And if not, at least you’ll feel good about you.

4. Get rid of the outcome.

Toss what you want to happen by speaking your truth right out the window. People know when they’re being manipulated. Just say what you fee— your feelings, not how wonderful they are or what a jerk they can be. State what is true for you only. Don’t tell someone else their truth either; it has no place in expression of your real feelings.

5. So What and unconditional love

The earth will not stop spinning when you eek out in a whisper, a neutral tone or a scream how you really feel.

So what, if you don’t get your way and you’re not “Perfect Polly” or “Paul” anymore?

You may save yourself physical and emotional discomfort. Add a sprinkle of unconditional love coming from a place of compassion for yourself and the other person, then watch the inner critic skulk off without a peep.

Unconditional love doesn’t mean screw our own feelings in favor of another’s mood or ‘tude. We still feel how we feel and with unconditional love comes the acceptance of who we are truly.


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Ed: Brianna Bemel

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