Unrequited Sex.

Via Freya Watson
on Apr 17, 2013
get elephant's newsletter

‘So, what would you like to work on?’ he asked kindly as part of a pre-session screening.

‘Oh, there’s nothing in particular—I was just curious,’ I smiled back, confident in my sexuality and self-expressiveness. I just wanted to experience the bodywork he had to offer—sexological bodywork—but had no neurosis or wounding to work on, as far as I knew. I had already done a considerable amount of healing in the area of sexuality and felt at home in my skin. But later that night, as I looked at the rarely-consecrated double bed, and felt a familiar sadness rise inside, it hit me.

My sexuality had become a burden, a source of sorrow.

That was my ‘issue’ if I had one. Unrequited sexuality.

I don’t need to be told that sexuality is a gift. I know that it is, intimately. I’ve experienced the highs of what it can bring. I understand how it can touch the soul and body in ways that are truly unique. And I have no difficulty in pleasuring myself fully, deeply and honestly. I’ve even written volumes on the subject! No, comfort with my own sexuality wasn’t an issue, but the sadness that I’d come to associate with it definitely was. Too many months of getting into bed with someone who had little interest in sexual sharing had started to lay down a pattern of association between sexual desire and sadness at a lack of reciprocation. It was an association I could certainly live without.

Ultimately, no matter how comfortable and alive we feel in our individual sexuality, sharing it with another brings a richness which can’t be experienced alone. We can reach depths of fulfillment and pleasure with a partner which are difficult to achieve alone. Sexuality, by its very nature, is intended to be shared, and when two people have a shared understanding and approach to their sexual intimacy, it enhances their lives individually and together in ways that are hard to describe to those that have yet to experience the territory. It was territory I had been familiar with, but to which I had been a stranger for several years.

My long-term partner had, for various reasons, lost interest in sex, relegating it to the ‘once in a while, when I’m in the mood’ part of his life (reasons for which this article is too short to cover). But my predicament, if I can call it that, would have been the same had I been single.

The opportunities for finding another who matched my understanding and energy were slim.

The gift of my sexuality, which I had once treasured, was now feeling more like a burden that I wanted rid of, something which nagged at me continually, reminding me of its presence and of its continual, unfulfilled, desire for shared expression.
I sat with the sorry realization for a while that evening, letting the full sadness of it wash over me. How many others feel like this, I wondered. Is this how men feel when their partners give them the cold shoulder, night after night, or just go through the motions to shut them up? No wonder they get to feeling there’s something wrong with their sexuality, and then end up acting accordingly. And what about other women?

Surely I wasn’t the only hot-blooded, spiritually-minded, woman on the planet who was short a good match?

http://www.flickr.com/photos/17006107@N00/2277196121
Photo: Lianne Viau

How did they manage, given that an unwilling male partner has a much harder time (pun not intended) just going through the motions?

As I sat there, though, I began to see that it wasn’t just about a lack of sexual action. It never is, is it? If that’s all it was, then I could easily have started hanging around the local night-clubs or paying a gigolo (budget permitting!). No, it was more than that. What I was missing was a partner who could open his heart wide enough, and with sufficient passion, to love me fully through his body, and who would be comfortable receiving my open, loving sexuality in return. Around me it seemed as if there were many who might be willing to have sex with me, and others who might give open-hearted loving a try, but there were few who combined both. And so, I had been carrying around this wonderful gift that I was longing to give, but with no-one to receive it.

My bodyworker did his best to help me release the sadness that had built up inside, working his magic on where it lay buried in the cells of my body, and reconnecting me to the natural joy that sexuality inherently carries when we come to it from a place of innocence. What he couldn’t do, though, was guarantee me someone who could and would reciprocate my gift of loving, intimate, sexuality, or promise that I wouldn’t feel the sadness return another day.

In the time since then, I’ve regularly received comments and messages in response to articles I’ve written, from readers who refer to the difficulty of finding a partner who matches their desire to share deep intimacy and sexuality. Most of the comments have been from men and, although I’m obviously a woman, I have to assume that perhaps it is more of a male issue. Or perhaps the women are just not speaking out as much? I prefer to see it as a genderless issue, though—as something that relates more to a certain type of person rather than to a particular gender. It certainly, although not exclusively, seems to be more common among those who have done a degree of personal growth work and have reached a level of maturity in themselves.

What the solution to this is, particularly when living within an area that has a small population, I’m not sure. Living in an urban area with a denser population, the opportunities to find a like-minded/hearted/bodied partner is presumably greater than it is in a rural or small community. But my experience of both bliss and frustration with this topic has led me to two main conclusions, both of which seem obvious but deserve elaborating on.

The first is that those of us who are comfortable in our sexuality have a role to play in helping to bring others to a similar place.

Even if we have no interest in doing so professionally, we can do this in our intimate relationships by being sensitive to our lovers’ needs and concerns, by patiently and compassionately supporting their own sexual explorations. Also, by taking the time to articulate how it is for us—how we feel about our sexuality, our pleasure, our bodies and our love of sharing those—we have a chance to ‘mentor’ our lovers into being better able to meet us deeply in a sexual encounter, to our mutual benefit.

This role as voluntary teacher and guide can also be done in broader circles, with friends and acquaintances. We can gently challenge commonly-accepted views we many not agree with as they appear in conversations around us—the ones that suggest that wanting sex is wrong, that wanting more sex than a partner does is wrong, that seeking satisfaction outside a relationship is wrong, that self-pleasuring is something to be embarrassed about, and so many more. Allowing these to be perpetuated, by staying silent out of a fear of rejection, isn’t of benefit to anyone. By contributing to a greater understanding and awareness around sexuality, we are helping to create a world in which sexuality is expressed more naturally and in which our gift of deep sexuality can be more readily received.

The second conclusion I’ve come to is that we need to speak up more clearly about what we need—to be willing to show ourselves openly for who we are and what we want, while accepting that others may not be in a position to reciprocate or even accept.

For me, what I need in my life is a deep sexual sharing which allows me to flow my energy fully with another. And I know there are others for whom this is also true, although they may not be as comfortable or as articulate in asking for it.

It’s not just about frequency of sex, it’s about quality, connection, depth and love.

Sometimes saying that this is what I’m looking for makes me feel like a starving beggar complaining that the bread she has been given is white rather than the fresh, seeded, whole-grain loaf that she needs to stay healthy. After all, shouldn’t I be happy with what I’m getting? And it’s not that I can’t derive pleasure from more casual, less-connected, sex. I can, and do, and it’s fun—the same way having white bread is nice once in a while but doesn’t form the basis for a healthy diet. It doesn’t really hit the mark. And it certainly doesn’t leave me with that sense of having shared a fulfilling, life-enhancing, meaningful connection with another—which is what deep, loving sexuality can bring at its best.

None of this is offered from a place of judgment, no matter how the story and my limited attempts at articulating a sensitive subject may seem. I’m neither wrong nor right for wanting what I do, nor would I consider those with different needs to be either right or wrong. We all are who we are, and we all have individual needs, desires and sexual histories that need to be taken into account—differing levels of sensitivity and of sexual desire, different forms of sexual expression, different rates of arousal, and different experiences of early sexuality. Being able to address, integrate and play around with all of these is part of making a relationship work, and being open to our individual uniqueness can prevent sex becoming a bland neutral where each person dumbs down what they really want.

So, those two conclusions aside, how do I continue to live right here, right now, without easy access to that deep nourishment which I feel I need? Like others do, I guess.

I take the opportunities for intimacy as they present themselves, whether within my long-term relationship or outside of it, and I make the most of them.

I focus on loving what I’ve got in my life—and I certainly have plenty. And I continue to offer the gifts I have to offer, knowing that they don’t always find a home but that it feels better to offer anyway than to hold back. I also make the most of those talented souls who offer touch and love as their professional services to the world. I may choose to be fussy about the quality of the intimacy I need, but I’ve had to become open to the way in which it may offer itself to me or live without.

 

Like elephant sexy on Facebook.

Ed: Kate Bartolotta

Photo: Jenn Slade


55,121 views

About Freya Watson

How we ground our heart-felt truths into the everyday experience of relationships, work and family is the foundation for a lot of my work. Finding our 'truth' is a challenge in itself, but living it day to day is an even bigger challenge. My books are available on Amazon and you can also find me on Facebook and read more on my blog.

Comments

96 Responses to “Unrequited Sex.”

  1. Jillian says:

    This hits home for me. As a newly single woman, I feel this way. I lived in a marriage where I was the one asking, begging at times for sex. But that wasn't all. I needed connection. Not the, ok-ya good?, roll over and go to sleep kind of sex. Then I had a boyfriend who I connected with very much, but towards the end I again felt that lack of desire on his part. Now that we have broken up, we have sex all the time, but it lacks the love that I had before. I seem not to be allowed both. It seems so very cruel.

  2. Monkey says:

    We are out there… men who want what you talk about. Who want to connect, open… to dance in the interplay of masculine and feminine.

    Look for us. We may not be the most confident or outgoing, yet if you look quietly and see the sparkle of knowing in our eyes you'll see that there are men out there who desire… deeply… to connect with a radiant, spiritual woman.

  3. Jess says:

    Love the article. Thanks for sharing!

  4. Freya Watson says:

    It does seem cruel at times, and can be difficult to live through. But then we meet someone, or read a response like the one below, and our hearts lift again and we take heart. I do know that it's possible to sustain this level of connection, although it does naturally fluctuate – we're all human after all. I also know it takes a commitment from both parties, a shared understanding of the importance of connection and a willingness to make time and space for it. Thank you, Jillian, for reading and commenting. Much love, Freya.

  5. Freya Watson says:

    I know you are. And I love that phrase 'the sparkle of knowing'. Thank you.

  6. Freya Watson says:

    You're welcome, Jess. Thanks for reading.

  7. Ashok Natarajan says:

    Well said Monkey!

  8. Ashok Natarajan says:

    Freya,

    I love the way you've been able to put in words some of the most intense feelings and I feel very much like Monkey. Yet, there is a certain perspective from which we in India regard this whole sex/relationship/commitment issue. I'm someone who cannot have casual sex because it seems nothing better than masturbation when it lacks the connection that you speak of so clearly in your article. I prefer to starve rather than just eat the white bread. I think there is a sort of intensity which builds when you hold it back. Yet I am sometime wondering if my aggressive behaviour is a result of the sexual frustration. When I'm sufficiently removed (in my mind) from the urge to copulate, I sit back and realize that there is truth to some of the Indian perspectives on sexual energy and how it can be harnessed for other more divine/spiritual endeavors.

    The idea of finding sexual satisfaction outside of a relationship however is where I see an extremely divergent view. I find it difficult to articulate my opinion but the following video will give you and idea of what I believe in. Hope this helps in expanding your awareness just like your articles have helped me. Thanks for sharing your life. May you find what you are looking for.

    Here's the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAGlyRBAnSM

  9. Holly says:

    Whoa yeah, this hits home so hard…aches in the heart.
    I deal with this sadness bringing it home to the depths of my heart, knowing in the end it's a spiritual longing for the ultimate union, and the intuition of Love itself. But yes, the yearning to share and express this tremendous power and grace within sexually and intimately with another is at times…absolutely overwhelming.
    Thank you for this article…feels empowering to know i'm not alone.

  10. gemstar says:

    Oh thank you for writing this article… As a woman with an unrequited sex life/intimacy life I can feel very alone in this position… I love sex and making love and am also confident and comfortable with my sexuality… But I have been without a lover for a long time so for me there is now sadness with my sexuality too… I work on accepting my frustrations and longing and letting that desire drive my motivation in life…. I’m so happy and looking forward to sharing the depth of intimacy with the person I next make love with…

  11. Freya Watson says:

    Thank you, Ashok. I haven't looked at the video yet, but will do. A short article like this doesn't do justice to the depth and complexity of an issue like this. And I have, and do, harness the energy for other endeavors. But, at the end of the day, I have also discovered that there is nonetheless this yearning to share it with another, regardless of how much I flow it into other areas of my life. Casual sex has never appealed to me, either, and my ideal is to find that depth and connection with a life time partner. But I have discovered that it is also possible to share love deeply and sexually with another, even if its for a short time, when we are energetically matched and hold similar values.

    I love what you have written, Ashok. Thank you for taking the time to share and post.

  12. Freya Watson says:

    Hi Holly, thanks. Yes it is a spiritual longing, but my own path has been that the spiritual longs for a physical expression too. I've taken the journey upwards, to feeling that bliss of connection with the divine but have found that it wants to complete the circuit downwards for expression in this physical realm as well. No, you're certainly not alone.

  13. Freya Watson says:

    Beautiful words, thank you. It really is a day by day process, letting the frustrations go and allowing the desire to be a motivation, as you say. xEnter text right here!

  14. Mojo says:

    Thank you to all of you for acknowledging this feeling.. I have experienced the profoundness of that connection of body and soul with my (long ago) ex. Nothing since has compared to that depth of feeling and I miss it terribly. It is good to know that there are others who understand this longing and just how painful it is. I wonder if anyone else experienced the feeling at orgasm when something deep inside me opened up to the universe, and I could feel it physically as well as spiritually. I've only experienced it with that one man, but WOW, it was amazing and happened a number of tmes. Has anyone else had this experience too? I'd love to hear about it.

  15. Corsica says:

    freya,

    thank you for articulating this experience… i feel like you just wrote about my adult life. i had mixed feelings reading this article…. comfort at the realization that there were others out there who shared this experience… and a deeper sadness at a broad acknowledgement that this is just a hard thing to find (i think a part of me was hoping i just hadn't figured out the right places to look…). i was really interested in your suggestion of responsibility in people who are comfortable with their sexuality and have a sense of this to share with the world…. i have longed to do this in a broader, more public way for some time, and am newly encouraged to seek out ways and spaces in which i can do this, where i can be open and honest about my truth. thank you so much…. i love your articles. thank you for taking on this responsibility to share your experience with the world, and for helping me to feel less alone today.

    be well…

  16. Teagan says:

    Thank you for this wonderful article. Having been a woman who has been in many unsatisfying relationships for most of my life, I know this experience well. I can only speak about my own experience and acknowledge that it is different for everyone, but I had to go on an intense inner journey to clean out my misperceptions about myself before I allowed myself to experience a fulfilling sexual partnership. The core issue for me was that I wasn't valuing myself enough to attract a partner who truly saw me for the Goddess I am. I had to surrender to the beauty in my own being before I could surrender to a man and be received in the way I truly wanted to be received.

    I had to learn to say no, when I realised that a man wasn't fully there for me or committed. I also had to learn how to communicate with the man in my life without judgement and with strength and softness to create space for a him to flourish, feel safe, respected and loved.

    I can happily say that I am now in a partnership/sexual relationship that is so deeply fulfilling. The other night we made love and I can honestly say that we merged with God/ the Divine/ Sacred Spirit or whatever you want to call. It was one of the most exquisite experiences I have ever had. This isn't the only experience of this nature I have had with my partner, but our love making just keeps deepening and deepening. The trust it takes to surrender to my own beauty, my Goddess nature and to him as an expression of pure beauty and love is enormous. The more I do this and let go, the more he lets go too. It is a beautiful dance.

    I know that there are many beautiful men out there who love women dearly. I know this, because I have worked with them in my role as a counsellor. I also know that they have the same fears, desires and need for love as we do. Separation is only experienced in ourselves, not between the genders. Life always reflects back to us and presents the relationships that most help us to see where we are still denying ourselves.

    Please don't give up hope. If anyone is in a postion to say this, I am. Just continue in a gentle and loving way to know and except yourself more fully, step by step, breath by breath… and enjoy the journey. Much love x

  17. J.J. says:

    You have iterated everything I've ever felt about my desire for deep/deeper sexual/spiritual connections. It's great to know there are many others out there like me. Thank you.

  18. kmzam says:

    Boy, this hits home for me too. At 50, while I've had good/great experiences (both with a partner and alone), I don't think I've yet met someone who matches my sexual energy. I know he's out there… I've not given up hope of finding him. I'm a force to be reckoned with on many levels. Thank you for allowing me to acknowledge that my sexuality isn't something I need to apologize for. In fact, I'm damned glad that at 50, I want and enjoy sex more than I ever have. Great article.

  19. Freya Watson says:

    Thank you for such a heart-felt and wise response, Teagan. It is beautiful. Yes, I have also experienced what you are experiencing. Sustaining it may be more the issue for those that are together over the longer term. It seems like there are levels we go through. Finding such a connection is one thing. Co-creating a relationship which sustains the connection is another. And when you throw young children into the mix, it needs another over-haul and recommitment. Thank you again! Love, Freya.

  20. Freya Watson says:

    That was my intention in writing it – I'm so glad it hit the right mark. x

  21. Reena says:

    Wow I am so glad you wrote this. I thought I was the only one who felt this (well intellectually i knew there must be more people out there). But thanks for putting it all in words!

  22. has says:

    Firstly Freya,

    I want to salute you for having the courage to write this. You have articulated precisely what I feel. I too yearn for this connection. I had come to the conclusion that this desire not being satisfied was a reflection of something within me. My focus of late has therefore been on building my own self esteem to a point where my Goddess nature is really glowing. I feel Teegan has articulated the process really well, it's a journey that I have intuitively embarked on and have not yet arrived at the destination.

    I'm holding a vision of both of us having our desires fulfilled.

    with much love
    hh
    ps freya my e-mail address ends in .co.uk. I had to take it of because your blog kept telling me that my e-mail address was too long and therefore would not accept the full address.

  23. Eve says:

    This was a comforting article! I really needed to read this today. I'm with someone I care about, and, while he blames his low testosterone for his lack of desire, I can't help but think…well, damn, if he were really interested in me, he would be working on getting that testosterone back up.

    I'm very complimentary to him, the few times we do have sex, and I have told him on a couple of occasions that I wanted to have more sex because I loved it with him. I enjoy that part of the relationship very much, but he's been stressed with work and just not into it, and it makes me feel unwanted. So, I end up pleasuring myself, which is fine in a pinch, but I do long to experience pleasure between us.

  24. Broken Yogi says:

    Maybe you should consider the possibility that the problem isn't with the men out there, but with yourself and this wall of pseudo-spiritual rationalizations and jargon you are using to describe yourself. Try becoming ordinary, down-to-earth, humbler, and less pompously sure of your own spiritual worth. All these grand spiritual concepts and self-referential attitudes clearly aren't helping. They may be the problem even, getting in the way of simple honesty and openness. Self-knowledge isn't easy, but neither are intimate relationships. Getting people to praise you for writing articles like this is not part of the solution.

  25. Mel says:

    This was a bit heart-breaking…. It certainly is also a "women's" problem. I'm a woman in a, mostly, sexless marriage, and I have, through support groups, met many, many other women in similar situations. And it is about unrequited love. It is painful and damaging to the relationship and all in it. You are not alone.

  26. nia says:

    I see that I'm not the only one here! It is so hard being the open and wanting one…. I feel so unsatisfied because of certain things that were mentioned, especially if its a sexual issue… And Then Its embarrassing, and fearful to talk about what we really feel about sex and how out intimacy is affected… I was the source of constant resetting and energy transference and then, I just shut down. Now I'm with a wonderful guy… now I'm wondering if its me or am I not satisfied enough? this article helped me a lot to know I'm not the only one.

  27. Freya Watson says:

    You're welcome, Reena. x

  28. Freya Watson says:

    So to the point, Eve! That's how it is for so many – it's not a lack of love, or an unwillingness to engage, it just comes down to the need for two people to be willing to deal with it together, approaching it as an opportunity for shared love rather than just waiting until the 'mood' takes them. Personally, I feel that sex is too important a component in a relationship to be left to chance – I think it deserves a deliberate focus. Thank you for the comment. x

  29. Freya Watson says:

    Is self-confidence and self-understanding a flaw? Is it not okay to be sure of my spiritual worth? This is a short article that doesn't do justice to the honesty, humility, openess and self-examination that I (and we as a couple) have been through. It was written to air something which doesn't get a fair airing as many are unwilling to express these emotions in case they are shot down for being demanding, selfish or too sexually-focussed. I'm not looking for praise, in writing this article, I'm looking to articulate something that I feel needs to be discussed. I love my partner deeply, and I love myself, and we all need to be able to balance our own needs with the needs of those whom we hold dear in our hearts.

  30. Freya Watson says:

    Yes, at its root, it is about unrequited love. And although we may be aware of another's difficulty in loving themselves, and therefore a difficulty in loving those close to them, we can't do that for them. x

  31. Freya Watson says:

    Thank you, Nia, for the comment. It's always a mixture of different issues, isn't it? Ability to identify what we need and what has stopped us being open to it in the past, confidence in articulate what we need, willingness to engage with another around it, and then sustaining it in the longer term once we reach that openess with another.

  32. Mel says:

    Two things I found very eye-opening, The 5 Love Languages (which talks a lot about love and expressing love in a meaningful way being a CHOICE) and articles about passive aggressive behavior. I agree the refusing partner likely has their own issues that they must address on their own. I think there's a threshold for each of us as far as how "understanding" we can be and for how long. If a partner refuses to get help, it doesn't make sense to hang around indefinitely.

  33. silverseale says:

    Ms. Watson: Broken Yogi was pretty blunt, but his/her words were wise nonetheless. You aren't even being honest enough with *yourself* to admit that you're "judging" your experiences. Cultivate the sort of deep intimacy with yourself that will allow you to be honest with yourself, and you'll be a step further on the journey.

  34. Blondie says:

    Thank you for that article for your sharing…as a 40 something woman recovering divorcee- I too find in my own circles such judgement around sexuality…seems most deny their own and go numb. All the taboos – fears- being female and feeling that it's not right or OK to say…yes I want , need and love connecting sexually and no I don't agree it has to be within a "box" of a committed relationship- no I'm not a slut but do feel if I shared those views that I'd be viewed that way…often I just keep my opinions to myself as I watch the women in my life deny their own sexuality and settle for little or none in their life experience within the "box" of that relationship. That's not acceptable to me- our lives are meant to be joyful, loving and fulfilling…we are not meant to hide away that precious part of our humanity.

  35. Freya Watson says:

    They are wise words, and my response is a simple one. My first port of call is always myself. The amount of soul-searching and self-reflection that has gone into the background to this is beyond discussion in a short article. The point of introducing a personal element here is to make a broader point rather than to open a discussion about the ins and outs of my relationship with my beautiful partner. From the other comments here, I can see that the broader point reached its mark with many readers.

  36. Freya Watson says:

    I'm with you on that one completely – lives are meant to be joyful, loving and fulfilling. Thank you.

  37. Gojura says:

    The experience you talk about has not been limited to orgasm for me, nor even limited to sex, those these have both been occasions for such an experience. What I understand of it is that the Awareness you mention is always available, but that we often stop ourselves short because of fears we hold or because we keep ourselves situated in mundane attitudes. It can sometime take a kind of "trigger" to get through to us, but we must be open to it. So if you have not felt it since, perhaps there are more fears in your heart now that are asking to be addressed, or perhaps your practice has waned. Blessings to you.

  38. Broken Yogi says:

    If you had real self-confidence, you wouldn't hide behind these hubristic claims that nothing's wrong with you. If you had real self-understanding, you'd be able to criticize yourself without fearing some sort of emotional collapse in its wake. If you were honest about the lack that's going on in your relationship, you might have a chance to see that you're putting up so many defensive walls, it makes genuine intimacy and sexual dynamics impossible. The lack of rawness in your self-presentation is itself the most likely reason for the lack of passion in your sex life. There's no vulnerability present in you, just a facade that uses the right words and strikes the right poses, but won't go beyond that. What man could possibly find that exciting or passionate? Perhaps you enjoy your "self-love" too much to let it go, but realize that it comes at a price. And you are paying that price.

  39. Buddha says:

    You sure know how to put the right words in the right place to make yourself sound good. You could probably sell ice to an Eskimo. You are so enlightened, perhaps you should be having sex with the Buddha himself. This is the equivalent to someone talking just for the sake hearing herself talk.

  40. Freya Watson says:

    Dear reader,

    I really did not want to get into a discussion about the ins and outs of how I handled this particular situation in my life as it would have taken up more than one article and distracted from the broader point. But I seem to have a struck a negative chord with you, which certainly was not my intention. If you have the impression that I’m unwilling to face my own shadows and do my own personal work, then I have to say quite clearly that this isn’t the case. Vulnerability is not something I fear, and I understand the pain and joy that comes with opening up to oneself and with another. It is something I engage with on a daily basis in my life.

    But anyone who has lived through this stage of a relationship understands that there is only so far they can go on their own – no matter how willing or open they are. Co-creation takes two at the end of the day, and if one party is unwilling to engage there is only so far we can go, in developing greater intimacy and passion, between our own work and being supportive of their journey.

    If you have written my other work – The Beautiful Garden in particular – you will understand that my commitment, within a relationship, is to love and to honesty. And as a therapist who has helped others, I understand the importance of looking within for an understanding of what is happening around us.

    I don’t expect you to agree with what I say, or to like my work, or my personal perspective on life. I do ask, though, that you respect my journey and my honesty as a fellow human being, as I am respecting your comments by taking the time to respond to them openly and honestly. If there are other personal comments you would like to make, it might be better to share them directly rather than here.

    With loving intention,

    Freya.

  41. Freya Watson says:

    Oops! Paragraph 3 should read ‘read’ not ‘written’!

  42. Freya Watson says:

    Thank you, Buddha. I take it the Buddha you are suggesting I have sex with is not yourself? I will not apologise for my ability to write carefully crafted words nor for my acquired maturity at this stage in my life. If I was looking to talk just to hear myself talk, I would have selected a less emotive topic. A little respect, my friend, please.

  43. Mel says:

    I have to say, "Buddha"'s response in particular, and some of the other "negative" ones, make me wonder, what's he so upset about? The only conclusion I can come to is that Mr "Buddha" and others must have their own issues with sex and that this very open, heartrending account must make them uncomfortable.

    Freya, your post is courageous. It took me YEARS to even tell my best friends that my husband was so disinterested in sex even as it was tearing me in two to live that way.

  44. Broken Yogi says:

    Freya, I don't want to dig into you or make you feel bad about all this, but I do want to make a larger point about the pitfalls of building up a "spiritual" self-image, and then presenting that publically, and then defending it with all these fine-sounding words and concepts. For example, when you say, "Vulnerability is not something I fear," you give away the game. Everyone is afraid of vulnerability. Not being able to admit that you are afraid of vulnerability, is a key aspect of your invulnerability. Telling everyone how committed to honesty and vulnerability you are, is also a sign of your dishonesty and invulnerability. Genuinely honest and vulnerable people don't go around telling everyone about it, they just live it. They are able to be honest about their problems, and not sugarcoat them. They don't pretend to be fearless, they know they are afraid and allow people to see it. They aren't busy building up these narcissistic fronts of spiritual maturity and self-assurance, which crumble on closer examination. It's not that I'm having some negative reaction to your article, or that I don't like you or something. The real you isn't even on display here, just some manufactured facade of invulnerable "spirituality" that you are afraid to let anyone look behind. I'm not sure why you are so concerned about being respected, and not criticized. I look at your article as a public cry for help, from someone who needs it, and can't seem to grasp what the real sources of their sufferings are. But maybe not. Perhaps I've gone too far already.

  45. Run. Floss. Travel. says:

    Frey, like you, eveyone is entitled to their own opinion regarding what they see/hear/read. I think the more defensive you are, and the more you try to explain or validate what you’ve written, the more credibility you will loose, in addition to sounding desperate to be liked by everyone. You can’t be everything to everyone. So be blessed that so many people on here are touched by your writing. Writing is a very personal thing, like a bottle of wine. You should leave it at that. Like most people on here, I also think that you’ve articulated your inner most deepest thoughts extremely well. I will share this article with my friends and family. You can make what you wil with that… Furthermore, I think that human emotions and cognitive processes are very complex. You can’t argue with someone who is deaf by choice. The strength of your will should not be imprisioned by other people’s ignorance. As far as I can tell, and for the most part, the comments on here, positive or malicious, are more of reflections of who people are and their perceptions and past experiences. It has nothing to do with what you wrote. That is true for most situations in life. It’s never about you. It’s how others perceived your actions or words. If everybody likes you, you are doing something wrong anyway!! Anyhow, stop the passive aggressive arguing with every comment people make. Silence is sometimes the best answer. I’ve rambled on for too long. Sorry. Take care. Keep up with the good writing.

  46. MatBoy says:

    We all live in the 'Wild Kingdom' and our sexual urges are as much a part of our existence as they are for other mammals. Sexual urge, almost always, relates us to 'others': it is a driving force that binds us together as humans. Sexual emotions and experience are, hands-down, the most intense I have experienced in my life. It's most primal function is reproduction, but it requires us to go through our psychological filters or overlays that we construct and carry with us whenever we relate to other people.

    Frey has constructed a healthy story around how she interprets her deep sexual feelings and experiences. I enjoyed reading the words she used in attempting to put into writing how she deals with it. That is about all any of us can get from her article. A few years ago I chose to live separately, for a few years, from my wife of 30 years so that each of us could take care of important items on our 'bucket lists' and during this time I had to at least consider the possibility of a post-sexuality life. It was a very interesting and difficult adjustment for me as I had to come to terms with this new situation and to construct a new way to deal with my unrequited urges and still live a meaningful and fulfilling life.

    This is what I've learned about where sex fits into my life. I need to recognize my sexual urges whenever they come up. I need to create a little time-gap before I respond to them. It is best that I do not put sexuality up too high is my value system: family health, taking care of society and the planet and sharing meals are all more important, though not usually as intense. Sex helps us soften to each other and to the world, it is inexpensive and can help us pass our empty-nester days happily. I do not put a 'spiritual' interpretation or meaning around my sexual urges and experiences although I can relate when other people do.

    Other people create different stories around sex and these stories can point out some ways they deal with their urges. I like reading about how other people manage and explain dealing with their primitive urges; I especially like reading about when it is well-written and touches places inside of me that I can relate to and enjoy at a deep, human level.

  47. bruceinpdx says:

    Taken as a whole, it is a marvelously written piece. The desire to be met is a huge desire; mismatches where one person mentors another are fraught with hazard as inadvertent up-leveling can destroy all the rest. The point about doing it for your broader circles of friends is very good encouragement. Knowing yourself, however, is truly the first step, Realizing core inherent qualities about yourself in clear terms lets you make the conscious tradeoffs necessary to traverse deep relationships – where you, by definition, are NOT going to get all your needs met by one person.

  48. sheri says:

    Lovely article, I could feel you throughout, Freya.
    You have a way of capturing your soul into the written word.

    thank you
    I am touched by you.

  49. Aella says:

    I'm there too, either I am very loved but not physically close, or its just physical and good but without heart. I think that's kind of what everyone is looking for(really basically) in a relationship.

Leave a Reply