10 Ways to Fake Confidence & the 1 Reason Why You Should.

Via Jennifer S. White
on Jun 14, 2013
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I’m regularly told that one of my main personal attributes is self-confidence.

Remember when I told you about that rave I went to in high school?

I forgot to mention that I felt so out of place, so insecure, so improperly dressed—when I was confronted by a (drugged out) man while waiting in a long line for the unisex bathroom.

This hopped-up guy was going down the restroom queue unabashedly saying what he thought about us. (Yes, it was as weird of an experience as it sounds.) He got to me and paused, looked me up and down, and then backed up a good two feet and said, “Wow, man, you’re, like, the most confident person I’ve ever met. Wow.” Then he walked to the girl behind me and told her that her angst-riddled frown was from being unlucky in love. Anyways, back to my point.

My point is that, for many years, I’ve often been viewed as a confident sort of gal, when my reality is that my natural tendency is to be quite insecure.

Yet I learned to fake confidence early on—and there’s one main reason why.

Ever heard of “fake it ’til you make it?”

Keep in mind that I’m a yoga teacher and a writer with a degree in geology. In other words, I’m not writing this for a psychiatric journal. (Although, I do hold a minor in sociology—that sound you heard was a button flying off my shirt, hitting my wood floor, as I puffed up my chest to help give this some extra merit.) Still, faking it ’til you make it works, never you fear.

It works when you’re sad. You know, when you watch your favorite hilarious movie—the one you’ve memorized all the lines to—and you end up feeling better.

It works when you’re feeling withdrawn. You go to that socially obligated get-together, put on a smile and extend your hand to your friend’s friend, and you leave the party feeling more like a happy social butterfly than an awkward recluse.

In other words, in life, we sometimes have to do things because we don’t have a choice. Duty calls and we answer, because we’re grown ups—and part of being a grown up is dropping residual childhood insecurity.

So, without further ado, here are 10 ways to (temporarily) fake confidence.

1. Stand tall. I can still hear my dad telling me as an awkward pre-teen to stand up straight with my shoulders back. He never said it to me like he was a military drill sergeant either, he said it with love, because he wanted me to feel good about myself and to project that out to others. First of all, having good posture is an instant confidence booster—and it really does help display your self-worth. Try imagining that your sternum is connected to an imaginary string, and that as this string is pulled up, your heart lifts and your shoulder-blades naturally slide down your back and relax. Also, lift up from the crown of your head while softening through your jaw.

2. Smile. People who smile win people over, plain and simple. I see it already with my toddler, who’s an innate flirt. More importantly, smiling helps you feel and then send out happiness into our world—and what’s an easier self-esteem fix than that?

3. Make eye-contact. A recently discovered pet peeve of mine is lack of eye contact. It’s like some people have no awareness that you should look at the other person during conversations and when you, say, smile at them. Notice how it makes you feel when people make eye-contact with you, as well as how it makes you feel when they don’t. I honestly think that a quiet smile, emanating from your eyes and then radiating down to your lips, is more effective than a bunch of fancy schmancy words—and I also think that making eye-contact shows self-confidence.

4. Quit apologizing. Okay, I’m the first person to suggest learning how to say I’m sorry. For some, it takes work to learn how to make an apology even when it’s desperately needed, while others say “I’m sorry” way too easily. On the one hand, when you do need to apologize for real, it will mean significantly less, and, on the other hand, you’re giving away your own value every time you apologize unnecessarily.

5. Laugh at yourself, not others. One thing I’ve learned from being a blogger is that our senses of humor vary considerably. Since I’m positive that I’m hilarious, I’ll let you in on a little secret—it’s much funnier to be able to laugh at yourself than to try make a joke at someone else’s expense. (Which, in my not-so humble opinion, actually stems from a lack of self-esteem.)

6. Say “thank you.” When you’re offered a compliment say “thank you.” That’s it. Thank you. Don’t add in that this silly little skirt only cost you twelve dollars or that you don’t think so but…(voice trails off into self-deprecating comment of choice). Why? Because it’s not necessary. Take the compliment, and consider that it’s true. The end.

7. Look in the mirror and see your value. Do you look in the mirror and see only the things that you don’t like? Well, stop it! Start paying attention to the attributes you love about yourself, because that’s what other people see when they look at you. For one full day, try looking in the mirror and noticing all the things you love about yourself (or better yet, don’t look in the mirror much at all).

8. Dress well. My sister told me when we were teenagers that I should always wear my best dress on the days I felt the worst about myself, and was she ever right. Dress the part. If you’re feeling frumpy, then wearing frumpy clothes will only serve to foster this feeling. Instead, dress to impress (yourself).

9. Surround yourself with love. Surrounding yourself with people who think highly of you encourages your own self-appreciation. Make sure that the people you invite into your life, and into your heart, deserve to be there.

10. Fake it, but only ’til you make it. Flaunting phony self-esteem for too long will wind up falling flat if you don’t back it up eventually. If you struggle with severe confidence issues, then try talking to someone (possibly professionally). Sure, I’m advocating initiating your search for self-confidence with a little jump-start, but I’m not encouraging you to be unauthentic. After all, learning to get in touch with the confidence that you already possess—that’s buried beneath the garbage that we all collect as human beings—is really what I’m trying to get you to do.

We’re all stars. We all shine brightly—and it’s these different lenses that we’re shining through that color our world with beauty.

Use these 10 tips to re-connect with your own inner rock star, rather than to present a falsely contrived picture of someone else’s ideal of what you should be—because when we connect with our true inner value, we stop needing the approval and authorization of others anyway.

So get out there and show the world what you’re made of.

“Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone for others. Unfold your own myth.” ~ Rumi


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Ed: Kate Bartolotta


About Jennifer S. White

Jennifer S. White is a voracious reader, obsessive writer, passionate yoga instructor and drinker of hoppy ales. She’s also a devoted mama and wife (a stay-at-home yogi). She considers herself to be one of the funniest people who ever lived and she’s also an identical twin. In addition to her work on elephant journal, Jennifer has over 40 articles published on the wellness website MindBodyGreen and her yoga-themed column Your Personal Yogi ran in the newspaper Toledo Free Press. She holds a Bachelor’s degree in geology, absolutely no degrees in anything related to literature, and she currently owns a wheel of cheese. If you want to learn more about Jennifer, make sure to check out her writing, as she’s finally put her tendencies to over-think and over-share to good use. Jennifer is the author of The Best Day of Your Life, available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. She's also as excited as a five year old to announce the release of her second book, The Art of Parenting: Love Letters from a Mother, available on Amazon.


23 Responses to “10 Ways to Fake Confidence & the 1 Reason Why You Should.”

  1. Cat B says:

    Beautiful, thanks for this!

  2. Jennifer White says:

    Thank you!

  3. Shannon says:

    this is true! thanks for the reminder… 🙂

  4. Yes! LOVE your clear lens! Thank you!!! 🙂

  5. Anni says:

    Thank you. Good advice! It reminded me of what a good friend once told me to stand tall with my neck long like a queen; queen of my own life! Even if we dont feel this way act like it!

  6. Sunshinelover says:

    So timely and so true. I need to remember this today and for always!
    As my long-term relationship just ended, I have felt shattered, but muttering these words, like a mantra, will allow me to stand tall tomorrow when I face my ex-lover to retrieve my belongings.

  7. Bessie says:

    Wow! Great post! Thanks Jennifer!

  8. Shanda says:

    LOVE! Thank you!

  9. Jennifer White says:

    You're welcome. Thanks for reading.

  10. Jennifer White says:

    What a well-articulated comment. Thanks, Megan.

  11. Jennifer White says:

    I meant, well-articulated compliment 😉

  12. Jennifer White says:

    Yes! That's exactly right! Thanks.

  13. Jennifer White says:

    Blessings to you during your rough patch. It's so easy to let life cave us in (it even shows physically in the way that our spines round). Let's reclaim our own inner light! (I hope you shine tomorrow.)

  14. Jennifer White says:

    Thanks, Bessie!

  15. Jennifer White says:

    Thanks, Shanda!

  16. Angie says:

    Lovely post, thanks. I too used to appear to others as extroverted and self confident when inside I was struggling like you wouldn't believe. A lot has happened since those days and I'm now trying to get that confidence and perception of it back….

  17. Jennifer White says:

    Understandable. I'm one of those strange birds who happens to actually be a lively, entertaining extrovert, yet I'm also a thin-skinned introvert as well. (The paradoxes of being human.) Anyways, I think getting in touch with that other side of you (as you have at one time before stressors) is key.

  18. Ashok Natarajan says:

    Nice post. I could see myself in the first few descriptions of the insecure person who puffs up his chest and fakes confidence. In my case however, alcohol played a very major role in boosting my confidence and helping me deal with social situations for may years. But now I've put the habit behind and am consciously trying to look for the confidence that was earlier evident only under teh influence. It is helpful to read someone's account of the same issue; it sort of gives me the strength to carry on.

    Thanks for sharing your story.


  19. Jennifer White says:

    Thank you so much, Ashok, for sharing your story with me as well. I think it's hugely important to recognize when we are basically self-medicating. So many people don't even realize why they're "social drinkers," for example. Good for you. Thanks again.

  20. Tara says:

    Great article… I am guilty of not doing a lot of these things! Thanks for reminding me to do better! 🙂

  21. Jenna B. Wiser says:

    Just read this and thanks for trying but I got this baby!! Confidence that is. I ain’t scurred!! (Scared with a southern drawl- which I don’t have because I grew up in Michigan too.) We almost moved to Pennsylvania when I was in 7th grade too- Crazy!!

  22. Crystal says:

    Thank you for this article. This is exactly what I needed to read. I have had bad luck with dating. I kept on reading articles saying men love a self confidant woman. I asked a male friend if that was true. He said to an extant but the woman shouldn’t be stuck up or arrogant. I always knew about making eye contact but I didn’t know the rest of the reasons for self confidence. For my next date I am going to fake being self confident even though currently I am no where near self confident.

  23. Scott says:

    This is wonderfully written, and not just a lot of new age philosophical self-love rhetoric. It is solid, practical advice, delivered in a caring and believable manner. I have more confidence just from reading it. Thank you, Jennifer. <3