“If companies had realistic slogans, what would they be?” {Adult}

Via elephant journal
on Jun 2, 2013
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What if companies marketed the truth, instead of what they (or we) wished was true?

Belated Warning: Language is adult. Or, rather, juvenile.

The below wisdom/humor comes via Reddit, here.

Dasani: Italian for “Coke just sold you water”

Ben and Jerry’s: Who are we kidding a pint is definitely one serving

FreeCreditReport.com: Credit reports are already free, but don’t let our name fool you, this one really isn’t.

Costco: When you’re not sure what you want, but you know you want a LOT of it. (This might be a paraphrase of a Mitch Hedberg line.)

Facebook: We know more about you than you do

SlimJim: If we showed you how we make these you’d stop eating meat forever.

Applebee’s: We figured out a way to f**k up salad. Or, Applebee’s: For when you’re too lazy to prepare your own frozen food

Comcast: We’ll be there between 7 a.m. and f**k yourself in the face, or, Comcast—every single one of our customers hates us, but there isn’t anything they can do about it because we are an oligopoly and there is very rarely any alternative for high speed internet in most of our coverage area. Or, Comcast—Because F**k You.

Youtube: Don’t read the comments.

Pabst Blue Ribbon: Tag us on Instagram

Wal-Mart: We slave, you save.

Ed Hardy: Made for douchebags, by Malaysian children.

Tesla: Told you so. It’s here, it’s awesome, it’s expensive, and no you can’t have one yet.

Subway: Tricking you into high calorie meals for years.

Honda: This car does not die. We’ve tried.

Bank of America: Bend over.

Taco Bell: “You obviously don’t care what you put into your mouth, so why should we?”

BP: Lol, our bad.

Abercrombie and Fitch: If you’re ugly, f**k off, broseph.

And that’s probably enough, for now. We’re talking about the same few companies at this point, anyways.


If Major Companies / Brands Used Realistic Slogans

One of our favorite mindful companies is making green beer while doing well and doing good, both:


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10 Responses to ““If companies had realistic slogans, what would they be?” {Adult}”

  1. Ben_Ralston says:

    Awesome. I laughed out loud at a bunch of them.

  2. kristinzhivago says:

    How about one for those stupid business phrases? For example, what does "Please listen carefully as our menu has changed," really mean? Truth: "We view all of our customers as distracted idiots, so we have to pretend that we've changed our menu, to get your attention – even though this is meaningless, because it's the first time you called, and all you really want to do is talk to a real, live human who will solve your problem. Too bad, we stopped doing that years ago. Bean counters, you know. So now we will present you with 8 options, none of which will even come close to solving your problem, but you won't know that until you've heard all 8 options. Oh, and pressing "zero" or yelling "Agent" or "Representative" doesn't work either. Truth is, we'd rather you leave us alone and go onine and search the discussion groups for your answer. Might as well hang up now, this is a complete waste of your time."

  3. Jack Kessler says:

    The Wal-Mart slogan conflates similar-sounding words. Nobody objects to them slaving. The problem is them enslaving.

  4. Dawn Wesselby says:

    Try pressing ** that takes you to a human being on some of them.

  5. Rod says:

    One more to add to your list, for any casino: “What have you got to lose?”

  6. Chidi says:

    I know this is old by now, but your post gave me a good chuckle. Especially the part about pressing “zero” or yelling “agent” or “representative.” So true.

  7. @myles4u says:

    We appreciate your business , please continue to hold for our next available (oh sh hahahahahahahalol) operator. pissant.

  8. Barbara says:

    Whenever I have to call Comcast, I just push every button on the phone until they send me to a representative. And whenever I have to talk to the hotlines (so much worse than just getting to push the buttons…. can you possibly sound dumber than while shouting at a computer?) and I just yell unintelligibly until they give me a human.

  9. Gaye says:

    wonderful post, very informative. I ponder why the opposite specialists of this sector don’t notice this.
    You should continue your writing. I am sure, you’ve a
    great readers’ base already!

  10. Chuck_Culp says:

    How about Welcome to Bigman Yoga: 'We do the same 26 asanas (Which I Invented 5000 years ago) at a temperature that will cause you to halucinate, while the instructor repeats my patented messages verbatum" Oh yea and if you don't like it F*ck you, and I mean that literally.


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