My Sex Drive Disappeared at 40.

Via Hayley Hobson
on Jun 12, 2013
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This is a super embarrassing story to tell, but unfortunately, it is the truth.

When my daughter, Madeline, was born, my desire for sex and physical intimacy pretty much evaporated. Labor got kind of crazy just as I was pushing her out and it became clear I was going to either need a C-section or an episiotomy.

I voted for the latter.

Bummer for me—it was equivalent to a third degree tear. I could barely walk for weeks after giving birth and was in pain long after my doctor told me I had “healed.” Not to mention, I was sleep deprived and constantly exhausted.

For all you mommas out there, I’m sure you’re hearing me loud and clear.

For the first few weeks, when my husband was in the mood, I pulled the “baby card.”

But we can only get away with that for so long, right? Then, the weeks slowly turned into months and the months even turned into years. I did not recognize the person I had become—my desire for sex had almost vanished.

So what was I to do? Sexual connectivity and intimacy are supposed to nourish and strengthen the soul—and I had lost connection to that aspect of myself. And as much as I wanted to talk to people about my problem, I was embarrassed and ashamed.

The truth of the matter is, no one really talks about it, so I assumed everyone’s sex life was perfect but mine.

I knew I needed help, so I looked for guidance and support. First stop on my calendar was my ObGyn . I scheduled my annual appointment and guess what? He told me I was fine! Apparently, I did not have any hormonal issues—I was totally in balance.

Yeah, right.

So much for Western medicine, once again.

Next stop was my Aruyvedic doctor. His opinion was that I was out of totally out of whack and until my life became more balanced, I most likely would not see any progress.  Although the prognosis was not I wanted to hear, it actually made sense to me. So what did I do?

I changed my job. I changed my diet. I found a life coach.

Wow—I didn’t realize there was way more to my issues with sexuality than the minor surgical procedure I had not so long before.

I had lost my confidence—I had lost trust in both myself.

My insecurities were screaming at me. And most importantly, I was having trouble letting go. While I’m not here to give you an answer that is going to change your life, what I can tell you is if your sexuality is important to you, you must take a proactive stance in rediscovering yourself.

You are going to have to begin to engage once again with a part of you that you’ve lost connection with—even if it’s uncomfortable. And as I’m sure you know, it’s the uncomfortable road you take that gives you the freedom grow.

What I’ve learned through my process is losing connection to my sex drive is nothing to be ashamed of. It happens to more women than you would believe. I did not know it because most people are too ashamed or embarrassed to actually admit it—but at some point or other, many women, like me, disconnect from a part of themselves that used to be so seamless and effortless to connect to.

Suddenly, that part of our lives requires work and effort. As if we didn’t already have enough on our plate! It seems easier to dodge the situation or withdraw in defense or shame—but honestly, who does that really serve? Not you. And definitely not your partner.

So, don’t you want to put that effort in? Of course you do—both of you are so worth it.

I don’t know about you, but I am always interested in pursuing passions that feed my soul. Those passions range from watching my toddler learn to swim or finish a 200-piece puzzle by herself to building my business, getting deep within my own body in a yoga class or spending a few cherished moments with my husband.

What do they all have in common? Connection. Intimacy. It doesn’t always have to be in the bedroom, but that’s a great place to start—even when it feels like you have to carve out the time.

I’m still learning to make it a priority—and believe me, it can be hard to find the time in this crazy busy world we live in.

A few tips:

1. Don’t forget your inner goddess.

What makes you feel sexy, confident and uh-mazing? A warm bath? Skimpy underpants? A beautiful scent? If it dazzles you, it will dazzle your partner as well. Well, probably.

2. Try alternative remedies to help you improve your sex drive.

For me it was supplementation in my diet, more live foods and pure, therapeutic essential oils. But you can also try acupuncture, Chinese herbs, Kundalini or Tantric Yoga. There are so many resources at your disposal to help you naturally reconnect to your sexuality.

3. Slow down.

When life is a never-ending list of chores, sex can also start to feel like work. Life should be an exchange of dance and energy, not an obligation. Create space in your life for tenderness and healing. Invest in yourself and watch yourself transform.

It’s always a process. Just let it unfold.

I have given you a few tips to help you awaken your inner goddess but I’d love to hear from you too. What works for you? Please leave your comments in the box below.

And if you know anyone that would benefit from this info, please share it on FB, Tweet it or PIN it.





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Ed: Bryonie Wise


{Photo: via Michele on Pinterest}



About Hayley Hobson

Hayley Hobson is an author, speaker, business coach, yogi, Pilates and holistic nutritional expert based in Boulder, CO. Hayley creates lifestyle transformations by coaching her clients to strengthen, nourish and evolve through the cycles and shifts in life. Combining cutting edge understanding in all three disciplines due to years of anatomical study and dietary theory, Hayley’s approach leverages their blended benefits and results. Her unique and intelligent style promotes strengthening while softening–empowering her client’s to heal not only their physical bodies, but their hearts and minds as well. Hayley studied at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, continues her studies with David Wolfe, raw food expert and is an essential oil expert in her own right.  Her insights and articles can also be found on her blog, Mindbodygreen and Islaorganics. She has also been featured in Pilates Style magazine, Natural Health magazine and Triathlete Magazine.  She has fun running and playing in the mountains with her husband, former world-ranked triathlete, Wes Hobson and their two beautiful daughters, Makenna and Madeline. To learn more about her nutritional courses, events she's hosting and custom programs go to her website or follow her on Facebook or Twitter or Pinterest.


6 Responses to “My Sex Drive Disappeared at 40.”

  1. @TBK365 says:

    I had ZERO sex drive the year after my daughter was born. I think it was due to breastfeeding, hormones, and recovering from the trauma of birth. I got my sex drive back after a couple years. I wrote about my experience here:
    My daughter is now 12 and I've enjoyed a great decade of sex.

    A sexologist named Jaiya has experience with this issue and has overcome it, please check her out as a resource:

  2. Muks says:

    Any tips for changing one's man's sex drive? 😉

  3. Alice says:

    You're winking, so maybe your issues with your partner aren't THAT bad, but if they are BAD and HORRIBLE. I've been there, and you deserve a man who will love you truly and fully. In the end, as in this piece, the author had to be the one to conquer her problems, your partner will have to be the one to conquer his problems. If he can't or won't… Well, either you can live with it or you can't. I finally decided I can't. I'm leaving a mostly sexless relationship after way too long hoping that something could change, that we could be "normal."

  4. Feeling Lucky65 says:

    Polar opposite experience for me. Very active throughout the pregnancy up until my C-section then following my doctor's recommendations for how long to wait afterward, I was marking my calendar until I could jump my husband again. It was on the exact day it was medically "safe" per my doctor and I was already active in other ways the very first night out of the hospital. 10 years later when I hit 40, my drive was absolutely through the roof and nearing 50, it seems to be increasing, not waning. The more horror stories I hear, the more grateful I am for that C-section. And I had a colicky baby and breastfed for nearly 3 years but that didn't slow me down either. I am undamaged and was ready to go ASAP. It might help that my husband is very attractive and helped a lot around the house so I wasn't too exhausted.

  5. Aoife Earls says:

    Great post! I literally just blogged about this yesterday – thank you so much for sharing your experience! A soul transformation is truly the best kind of sexual transformation 🙂

  6. Wendy says:

    Lucky you Lucky65!

    Thank you for the wonderful article, Hayley. And thank you for sharing.

    Much to think about and consider. Thank you for the kind and encouraging words.