July 13, 2013

Yoga People Do Strange Things. ~ Tanya Mah

Yoga people do some strange things that are quirky at best and perverted at worst.

I love yoga. That goes without saying.

However, my people do some strange things that are easily misinterpreted by our non-yogi friends as quirky at best, and stay-the-fuck-away-from-me perverted at worst.

Here are some of the quirkier (but easily misinterpreted) yogi fun facts:

We kiss on the mouth.

I kiss everyone on the mouth at yoga. Guys, girls—yep, I’m totally up for a good mouth kiss. I don’t know where this habit started, but it’s now a widespread and accepted part of saying, “Hello, namaste.” If you don’t like it, turn your head to the side.

I tried to translate this kind act of affection into daily life and it just didn’t fly. Apparently, it’s uncool to try to mouth-kiss your bestie or your boss unless they’re yogis too. People don’t like it and feel as though you’re assaulting their private mouth space.

For this, I am sorry.

We’ve all pretended to be raw/vegan/give up alcohol/on a parasite detox—at least once.

Apparently true yogis don’t drink wine—what utter bullshit! No thanks for this little yogi. However, I have tried my hand at raw/vegan food (it’s mostly delicious), colonics, and a variety of different cleanses (which make me angry).

Yoga people are obsessed with their genitals.

It’s all the heavy breathing, you see. Breath is a big part of yoga and it causes our kundalini to get all excited and worked up. We combine pranayama (breath), asana (yoga postures), and bandhas (where we squeeze our private parts to make our core stronger so we can backbend further). It’s a whole lotta focus on our bottom three chakras.

We’re not trying to dry-hump your leg or pelvic-thrust you inappropriately. It’s just that all that squeezing, strengthening and holding in a hot room makes us slightly obsessed with our own genitalia.

We like our bums in tight Lyrca.

Male or female, we all look better in Lycra. I own at least seven pairs of black Lululemon tights. They give our yoga bums a slight lift and make it easier for the hot teacher to adjust my downward dog.

Yes, yogis are vain.

Photo: Taro Taylor

We’re all avid poo-watchers.

Yoga people stare at their own shit all the time, and by shit I mean poo. We’re obsessed with our own bowel movements. To a yoga person this isn’t gross—it’s an amazing indicator of physical and emotional well-being.

To my non-yogic friends: never ask me about my own bowel movements ’cause I’ll tell you. I want to hear about your poop as well. If this makes you uncomfortable or grossed out, my apologies now.

We often sound like jerks.

We use tarted-up, flowery language to describe our vast array of feelings and to help encapsulate our complex emotions.

For example, when a yoga person says, “I feel the urge to honor my soul-body-temple and hold this space in a state of balance and relaxation,” the non-yoga-person translation is, “I’m tired, I think I’ll stay home tonight.”

These are just some of the strange things that us yogis feel are completely acceptable. Do you have any others to share?


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Asst. Ed.: Katharine Spano/Ed: Brianna Bemel

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Tanya Maria Mah