Why Your Man Needs to Feel Needed.

Via Hayley Hobson
on Aug 7, 2013
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Photo: Synergy by Jasmine
Photo: Synergy by Jasmine

I’m the kind of person that likes my space.

Empty house? Vacation! No mess, no noise, no obligation to anyone but myself.

I figured, when I travel, my man would feel the same. He can be as messy as he wants, eat whatever he wants without my evil eye, go to bed as late as he wants—no nagging wife.

Not the case. My man wants me around and he wants to feel needed.

Is it true that men need to feel needed in order to feel important?

In the old days, women were the needy ones. They were often homemakers, meaning they were not bringing in the money. So they relied on their husbands for cash to buy groceries, household supplies and clothing and to have adult conversation.

But over the last few decades, that model has shifted. We’re out there doing our thing. We’re strong. We’re independent. We’re movin’ and groovin’ in our own way. And often times, that takes us away from our man.

I admit it: I can be chilly in my lack of need for my man. Distant, when I don’t mean to be. I’m a powerhouse. I’m not afraid to say it. And that makes me less reliant on my man for emotional needs. And bummer for him—it’s making him feel less and less significant.

It’s a strange twist of events. There are more women are out there, claiming the life they want, and not realizing how their new found independence is affecting their men.

If your guy is like mine, he doesn’t want to look needy or “girly” so he’ll stay quiet, slowly growing more and more resentful.

So there I am. Oblivious. Honestly believing he wanted me to be more self-reliant. I thought he’d be psyched that I’m doing my own thing and needing him less.

Oh no!

Men need to feel needed.

And to them, a woman who doesn’t need them is as bad as a woman who is too needy.

Men need to be needed. And while the needs of these powerhouse women have become smaller and smaller, the needs of their men ain’t really changing. Our men need us to need them, to feel like their job as a partner is being done.

And, so the saga continues. So what should you do? Especially if you are one of these bad-ass women like me, craving independence and freedom?

Love on your man.

Let him know you need him. It’s that simple. ‘Cause what good is any relationship if you’re in it alone? Give him a call while you’re away. Tell him your stories. Ask him for advice.

Let your man know the ways in which you need him and let him be the man.


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Ed: Cat Beekmans


About Hayley Hobson

Hayley Hobson is an author, speaker, business coach, yogi, Pilates and holistic nutritional expert based in Boulder, CO. Hayley creates lifestyle transformations by coaching her clients to strengthen, nourish and evolve through the cycles and shifts in life. Combining cutting edge understanding in all three disciplines due to years of anatomical study and dietary theory, Hayley’s approach leverages their blended benefits and results. Her unique and intelligent style promotes strengthening while softening–empowering her client’s to heal not only their physical bodies, but their hearts and minds as well. Hayley studied at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, continues her studies with David Wolfe, raw food expert and is an essential oil expert in her own right.  Her insights and articles can also be found on her blog, Mindbodygreen and Islaorganics. She has also been featured in Pilates Style magazine, Natural Health magazine and Triathlete Magazine.  She has fun running and playing in the mountains with her husband, former world-ranked triathlete, Wes Hobson and their two beautiful daughters, Makenna and Madeline. To learn more about her nutritional courses, events she's hosting and custom programs go to her website or follow her on Facebook or Twitter or Pinterest.


6 Responses to “Why Your Man Needs to Feel Needed.”

  1. Karen says:

    Seriously? I'm speechless. What editor allowed this in?

  2. elephantjournal says:

    Hi Karen,

    Disagree? Have some constructive thoughts or would like to write a rebuttal? We'd love to hear what you have to say. ~ Bryonie

  3. Men DON'T need to be needed. Just as women DON'T need to be needed. Some do, some of the time. Some don't, some of the time … although I would hesitate to assert that some don't ALL of the time.

    Hayley – I'm keenly aware of the challenges involved in putting one's self out there on the public web. So I'm offering feedback for your journey as a writer, not for your personal one of inter-relating with your man. Hopefully it lands as respectful, intentional and supportive. Of course, since I don't need to be needed, I don't need you to agree, approve or respond 🙂

    The premise of this article is an anecdotal logical fallacy – an argument that is grounded in your own personal experience https://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/anecdotal … because for every woman who is having your experience, there are many others who aren't. For every man you observe 'needing to be needed' there are many who don't.

    I suggest that, instead of painting with the broad brush of absolutism, you own your own experience. That would make for far more inspired and emotionally engaging reading. It's clear that you being out there in the world as a powerful, indepdendnt woman is having an impact upon your relationship. I'm sure there are many women who could relate to that, as I'm sure there are many men who are having an experience from time to time that echoes that of your partner. If you took that approach then I, as a man, could relate to your journey because I would be meeting you as a human being relating your own experience to the world. Are there lessons to be learned there? Of course – lessons that are irrespective of gender and that seem to relate to being 'out there' in the world, instead of 'at home' with your beloved. As a married man who has been moving about the world for many years, both I and my wife can relate to the need to be needed (at times) and can equally relate to being oblivious to the needs of each other (at times).

    Your man is having his experience. You are having yours. Yet there is nothing absolute about either.

    I encourage you to revisit this topic from a more personal perspective. Many of us can no doubt relate. I don't say this to be patronising (always an inherent danger in a man communicating with a woman these days, it seems) but to be supportive. There is a rich vein of authenticity to be mined if you're willing to be exposed. I have no doubt that EJ readers would welcome the reflection that arises when one tells one's own story.

    Perhaps consider writing a two-part piece with Wes; the sharing of different perspectives that meet somewhere in the middle would be a wonderful contribution to elephantjournal.
    Bryonie – while I appreciate the very nature of EJ, and the process that one goes through in order to ensure that contributors feel honoured, appreciated and published, I agree with Karen. My comments above would be more constructive and supportive coming via an editor who they presumably have some degree of relating to, than publicly via the open web. I genuinely hope that Hayley isn't discouraged, as much as encouraged to share her personal insights and her insights garnered through what appears to be a deep journey into her area of professional expertise.

  4. Beyond Oblivion says:

    I don't know, maybe her assertion that men need to be needed is incorrect, or maybe it isn't . My boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago, and one of the reasons he stated was that "you're too independent. I need to feel needed, and you don't need me." Also, the advice to love on your man isn't necessarily the fix to that, because I'm very outwardly affectionate when in a relationship. I enjoy making (or trying to) make my man feel wanted and desired, and I've never withheld affection, and that includes sex.
    It was a bit of a punch in the gut. After a year and a half, I'd thought that wasn't an issue. He knew how independent I was going in to the relationship.

  5. Tom says:

    Men will always respond to a woman's needs, that's what we are here for. Whether its protection, a helping hand or just holding the door open for her. Have you ever had a random guy offer his assistance? Like being broke down on the side of the road. They probably aren't hitting on you, its just our instincts to help, its what we want to do.

  6. Biggun says:

    What the heck is the purpose of being in a loving relationship if you aren't needed or desired? I am all for women being treated equally. However, when they are so independent that they minimize and dismiss the role of the man and make it clear they don't need him, why the heck would he hang around. FYI ladies. Good men aren't after just affection and sex, they want to be your man and meet your needs, but it's a two way street. Wake Up! America is falling apart because independent women are minimizing the way God intended families to work.