August 2, 2013

Your Primary Sexual Relationship is With Yourself­­. ~ Lesley Stedmon

Relationships are complicated, confusing and tricky sometimes.

Throw in issues of sexuality and you have a huge mess if you do not have a strong base to start from. Having a healthy relationship with yourself creates a firm foundation to build on whether it be for intimate relationships, family or health.

Your primary sexual relationship is very familiar to you; it is your longest and most consistent relationship, the one that requires the most investment. Your primary sexual relationship is with yourself­­—no one else.

Your experience of sexuality is uniquely yours. The gender you identify as, the sexual orientation you chose, the boundaries you build for safety–all yours. How you physically, emotionally and mentally define your sensual self is uniquely yours.

Societal constructs almost always define sex as the union between two people. Penis–in–vagina sex is not the beginning and end of sexual expression. Examining sexuality through this lens excludes all sexual activity except that which occurs between one man and one woman.

It leaves out all other options of same sex pairings, other manual techniques, solitary sex and multiple partners.

Redefining sex starts with nourishing your relationship with yourself.

Let me use a music analogy for you: When you want to learn a new musical instrument, you choose one that resonates with you, like a clarinet. When you first pick up your clarinet, you are an absolute amateur. You take lessons and practice and practice. Some days are great, some not so great. Over time, you hone your skills and become exquisite in your elocution.

At this point, you may consider joining a band or an orchestra.

What does this have to do with sex? We must first know how our bodies work, how they respond and what kinds of stimulation they prefer. When we are feeling secure with our personal sexual expression, then we can choose to invite another person in to share our body with.

When two instruments are finely tuned, exquisite harmony can be achieved.

Sex is no different.

It is also a skill we must learn, practice and repeat to build confidence. Once we feel like we have mastered our relationship with ourselves, we can then experience the vast array of sexual “orchestras” as they present themselves to us.

An investment in continuous practice and repetition of sexual skills can only benefit you in the uptake of the multitude of sexual collaborations you may wish to join.


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Assist Ed: Julie Garcia/Ed: Bryonie Wise

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Lesley Stedmon