September 26, 2013

The Most Interesting Woman in the World.

Photo: Theinspirationroom.com

There is no doubt that some men are interesting, intriguing and even downright sexy and unavoidably hot when going about the business of being male.

You know, those traits we associate with masculinity which may include being adventurous, fearless, rugged, strong and even macho and overbearing to a fault. Even when they are being horrible and downright naughty, or especially in some cases, men can pique our interests quite easily.

Just think of Bryan Cranston’s character in “Breaking Bad.”

And perhaps you have seen the Dos Equis commercials in which The Most Interesting Man in the World is surrounded by beautiful women while a narrator talks about what makes him mysterious, appealing, and quite overly stimulating.

At the end of the commercials, the bearded man looks into the camera, and in a thick-accented and sultry voice says that he drinks a certain brand of beer, which is apparently another thing that makes him so interesting.

Well, as an interesting woman who knows many other interesting women, I can both safely and dangerously say that without a doubt, we women can be just as interesting as any man, if not more so.

Women are also more complex, harder to read, more mysterious and weirder than men want to admit, and harder to describe.

Nonetheless, I will attempt describe The Most Interesting Woman in the World below.

(Whether or not this is autobiographical, I will never tell.)

It has been rumored that Paul McCartney once wrote her a love letter, but she returned it.

When she announced she might go vegan, more than a thousand cows came to her home late at night to personally thank her.

When men whistle at her as she walks along city streets, she replies, “Can you make it a little louder?”

Even though she doesn’t like martinis, she has been known to hold glasses of them for hours while dancing on rooftops.

I once saw her keep completely still while a tall man, donning a mustache, whispered to her in Italian, as he ran his fingers through her hair.

On rainy days, you might find her walking outside without an umbrella, shoes or a ride home.

When she wakes up and sees the sun rise, she sometimes asks for it to wait ten minutes longer for her, and it does.

She doesn’t have either Daddy issues or Mommy issues, and she claims never to have had any therapy.

While she loves to read the classics, she also knows how to tell a naughty joke to a room full of strange young men.

Even though she is well educated, her most favorite company are people who have never attended school, because she finds them the most intelligent.

She has never been heard swearing, and yet she is knows how to properly fight with a Samurai sword and can even kill if she has to.

She can be seen eating dark chocolate on any given afternoon in a red, low-cut sweater while quoting Groucho Marx and Karl Marx simultaneously.

One day, when she least expected it, she gave birth to a child who was exactly like her grandmother.

While naked and in the shower, she never sings, even though she sounds like Aretha Franklin when she is out of the shower.

When she was once offered a cup of coffee by a gorgeous lesbian, she kissed her because she wanted to see what a woman’s lips felt like, and she liked it.

Once she traveled to France, and refused to have affairs with the Prime Minister, Gerard Depardieu and a famous Wine Baron because she desired more to finish her novel.

She can be seen sunning herself with homeless people in Los Angeles while a serenading Frank Sinatra songs to them.

When she was once offered the part of playing Sophia Loren, she just laughed while she touched her own breasts.

It is rumored that some CIA operatives have named both covert and overt operations after her.

She finds all reality shows boring but won’t hesitate to dance the Samba on top of a fast, moving car.

When Bill Clinton once asked for her, she told his Secret Service agents they had the wrong number.

Even though she can leap tall buildings in a single bound, she prefers to take the subway so she can chat with overweight gentleman who tells her stories about the war—any war.

She was once spotted running with the bulls in Spain, but in front of them, not behind, although everyone was watching her behind.

When you ask her what she wants for dinner, she might answer, “Whatever you’re not having”

Sometimes when she goes on a fast, it really means she will do everything very slow.

In 2009, Oprah Winfrey came to her house to ask her how she could have more charisma.

Although she hates to argue, she was once spotted debating with five members of The Supreme Court simply because they wanted to hear more of what she had to say.

And last but not least:

She will never read this piece about her, because she is much too busy making passionate love somewhere in the world right about now.


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Ed: Catherine Monkman

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