October 19, 2013

I’m Breaking Up With…Myself. ~ Becca Pati

The Routine

As I write this, I’m relaxing on my beautiful overly worn wooden deck outside my simple but functional hut on the Island of Gili Air, Indonesia. I am here because I chose to be part of a wonderfully ambitious group of people from around the world who have a desire to advance their yoga studies.

Over this past year, I have searched relentlessly to find a program that would work with my schedule, but more importantly was at a remote destination, so I could have some distance from my life back home.

Don’t misunderstand me—I love what I do—but when deciding where to take my RYT-500 (yoga certification) it was more about getting away from it all and taking a break from my regular routine: wake up; eat breakfast; teach yoga classes; give therapeutic massages; consume lunch; back to work; home late; then sleep.

The next morning—alarm goes off, eyes pop open and it begins again.

The Realization

The road to these little Islands was paved with a total of 30 hours flying time, a 1.5 hour taxi ride to the small beach town of Padang Bai, Bali and then a two hour fast boat excursion over to the Gili’s which are part of Lombok. The journey was like being ship wrecked I was tossed about in the ocean of planes, airports and fast moving cars… clinging onto what sanity I had until I washed up on shore—tired, sweaty and exhausted.

The only saving grace was that I was accompanied by my husband and his friend who were an unbelievable source of motivation and conversation when we were sleepless, hungry and caffeine free.

Without their companionship, Hurricane Becca was sure to make landfall.

I have been here for seven days and have another 21 to go. A few travelers at my hotel have inquired, “Could you have done this yoga program closer to home?” As I pause for a beat to think about what answer is easiest, I say slowly, “Yes, but look around you.” I don’t feel the need to get into the complexity of the answer, as most backpackers eyes would glaze over if I droned on about how this trip is less about traveling to this quiet, quaint Island and learning advance yoga and more about getting some distance from the one person that is the closest to me.

I have chosen to create a chasm of space between me and this other individual who is a source of my irritation, anger and overall confusion.

Yup that’s right… I’m breaking up with me.

The Break Up

My brain is busy, creative and excitable. Most days this doesn’t present a problem, except when I start getting wound up from over thinking and analyzing. Along my yogic path towards inner peace, I have spent a lot of time reading and understanding that I am the type of mind personality that tends towards a constant state of processing.

Sometimes, when it gets really distracting, I say to myself, “C’mon Becca! Calm the f*ck down. “

If you don’t suffer with this kind of mind set, you might not fully understand how absolutely annoying it can be. No matter what day, what I’m doing or where I’m going, I am always in a state of high brain activity. However, this does not mean that I am always productive or efficient. A lot of times I’m in my lower mind of worry, fear and anxiety. It’s wearing me out and it’s time for a change.

I need to separate myself from this way of thinking and move onto a higher vibration of love, trust and surrender.

So I’m here to leave her in Indonesia. She can get into all kinds of trouble here and so I think she’ll be just fine. I’d like to start fresh in a way that only being far from my comforts at home will allow. I still am in love with all of aspects me, but I’d like to leave with a more calm, relaxed and joyous version of me. I’m not going to abandon her… just slowly slip away and she will never know that I have left the Island.

Confused yet? Me too!

My negative mind is like being in a bad relationship that you know is not good for you, but the effort it takes to move on is daunting. Where do you begin and what do you do once you are on your own?

Moving Towards Authenticity

What I do know is that I am not that mindset. Who I truly am is beyond the turmoil and drama. The concept of completely identifying with this thing I perceive as being me would cause me to find a bottle and keep guzzling till I was numb. So clearly, that is not the answer. Part of the strategy for moving past all my constant fluctuations of the mind is to slowly make the break in stages. I am not an all or nothing kinda gal and so I understand the need to connect with parts of the mind that enable me to be productive and healthy.

I know that I need to use my thoughts to create and inspire. However, I do not need to continuously associate with them. I would prefer to live with the me that does not attach to the emotions of stress, impatience and judgment.

Instead I can use this knowledge of self to search within to find that which is real and authentic.

Not the Ending but the Beginning

I already feel lighter. I feel like the weight of the world is slowly moving off my shoulders and slipping into the abyss. I am breathing, full of hope and contentment.

I am choosing to make a break from that which is not serving me and moving to a space where I can laugh at myself, feel and release emotions and consciously uncover the beautiful me.

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Asst. Editor: Edith Lazenby/Ed: Bryonie Wise

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