October 7, 2013

Nice Attitude…Now Chaturanga Away From Me, Please.

Photo: JoAnn Land on Pinterest

Since when did people decide it’s cool to act arrogant?

You know, how when your best friend goes to Thailand for the first time, and they invariably come home and go on and on about how nice and super friendly the people are? How they seem free from worry, and how they’re so obliging and kind? They start wearing meditation beads around their neck. They talk about moving there.

And they show you their new tattoo, which vaguely resembles some kind of extinct alphabet.

I have a theory: that tattoo is a bunch of bullshit. It either spells out a dirty word, or it’s a bunch of gobbly-gook.

Still, you’re happy they got to travel to a land where people don’t throw a complete fit because they don’t understand the new iPhone update, or when MAC Makeup stops carrying their favorite lipstick color. I know it’s tragic, it’s a downright shame and maybe we should just go ahead and cancel Christmas this year.

I see this kind of thing all the time. Someone is probably on a Facebook rant right now about how 7-11 wouldn’t take his $100 bill.

The other day, I was teaching a yoga class when I saw a student who was completely in the wrong pose. When I let her know and asked if she’d like to join us, she answered, “No. Thank you, though.”

The chick actually said no. Wow.

And it was more of a snarl. But since it’s my job to make sure everyone is doing stuff right, I went back to her when she was creatively interpreting a different pose, and she said something I’ve never heard anyone say in yoga:

“I did it wrong on the first side, so I thought I’d do it the same way on the other side to keep it even.”

No, babe. Just, no. And thanks for vibing me out, yoga bully.

My reply:

“That makes no sense, just so you know, but okay, do your thing.”

Here’s what I might have said, if I wasn’t such a grown up:

“You’re lucky I have an even disposition, thanks to yoga. When I suggest something, I’m not really suggesting it. I’m actually telling you what to do. So do it, because your hostility is distracting to everyone else. Namaste, little girl.”

I know, now who’s the asshole?

How about this:

“Next time I see you, I’ll crank up the Zeppelin and keep you in Chair Pose for a half an hour.”

Lordy. I must not think bad thoughts. I must not think bad thoughts.

Then there’s the other girl in the same class who was sitting and texting. There must be something in the coconut water. I’ve actually seen people doing sit-ups while everyone else is in Savasana. I’ve seen them bring their dog to class and I’ve seen them get up and adjust the temperature.


Did I say help yourself?

I left class that day in a foul mood. And over the next week or so, people really started to push it:

“You look like you need some sun.”

“You look depressed.”

My favorite: “You look like you need a drink.”

Really? Thanks buddy, for making me feel like a bucketful of broken assholes.

Sometimes they back it up with the ol’ “In my family, if they tease you, it means they like you.” This, I cannot stand. It’s one of my least favorite ways of justifying making someone feel like shit.

Maybe I’m over sensitive, but what the hell is going on here?

I’m sorry, but if you’re walking around in your daily life like a snarky bastard, some would say you’re not doing yoga.

It’s not about being able to do the full expression of Upward Facing Bow. I don’t care if you eat meat, smoke a bunch of pot every day or bought a puppy from a fancy pet store when you could’ve rescued one from the pound.

Just be cool, Negative Nelly. It’s not that hard.

I probably won’t be visiting Thailand in the near future, but I can be considerate and sweet and all those things. And don’t worry, I was just kidding about Chair Pose (wink).


Like elephant yoga on Facebook.

Ed: Catherine Monkman/Bryonie WIse

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