Too Hot, Too Cold? Four Keys to “Just Right” Sex.

Via Waylon Lewis
on Oct 22, 2013
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beautiful agony orgasm sex

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Don’t be a jerk–do be intimate, do be empowered, do communicate.

You can love someone…but if they’re too hot, or too cold, it’s over sooner or later. Unless you communicate. So, find a way to get your Sexytime just right.

This is how we like it.

I’m no sex expert. Sexpert. Neither are you. Sexcept that I am. And so are you. Because we’ve had a lot of it. Or, not. Either way, we know what we like. Hopefully.

You get what I mean, anyway. I think.

So: I’ve found that great sex is, ahem, hard to find. Beautiful partners, fun partners, doesn’t matter. In bed, people are different people. Some are insecure. Be stable with them. Don’t be pushy. Be real. They’ll relax, and open up.

Some are empowered. Some are lions. Some are wild, but not putting on a show—rather the opposite, they’re tingling with every touch, out of control because they’ve let go.

Some relationships are beautiful ships…but run aground on the shoals of the bed (or the couch, or the floor, or the dining table). I’ve dated many a partner who…lost me, and us, when it came to sexytime. And I’m sure I’m no catch, either. Though I am sometimes.

So: how do we find a match, and strike it, and light it up and burn the bed down?

Easy: be real.

Here’s four keys:

Know what you want and need. We need to remember to let go of doing anything we think we have to do. Do not go through the motions. Just do what we want to do. I was dating a love of my life, back in the day—on one of our first strolls around the park she stopped, looked me in the eyes, and said: If I don’t orgasm, you’re blankety-blank. I have no idea what the threat was. Because there wasn’t really one. It was worse that that: there was no way she was gonna let me race to the finish line and have my own party. That wasn’t an option. And we had some of the best sex of my life. For hours. For years.
erotic-india-sexDon’t be a jerk. Don’t be pushy. But: be confident. Easier said that done? Shut up. Don’t be a jerk. I have a lot of friends who…when they talk about sex, they sound like jerks. Don’t be selfishly selfish. Serve the other. That said, be cooperatively selfish: communicate what you want and need. There’s nothing hotter than a lady or gentleman who knows what they want, and makes that clear. Which leads us to…

Communicate More. Don’t be shy about communicating. Don’t. Don’t. Do not. Please. Communicate. This seems like a tough one. PS: if you say, I never cum, go ahead and do your thing, you are doing yourself a disservice, as well as your partner. It’s called making love because it takes two. Fucking is hot, but bunnies can do it. And boy do they do.

Intimacy is the Good Stuff. It’s all about touch. Hands. Relaxing, and being strong, simultaneously. Stability. Practice being present. Ride your breath, not just your partner. Ride the present moment like a beautiful horse. Stay present. If you can’t stay present during the best thing ever, well, I don’t know why we bother to get up in the morning. But: don’t be too, er, hard on yourself. If things don’t go well, or go quickly, make up for your mistakes with some quality cuddle-age. Or shower together. Laugh. But don’t laugh too much: sex is serious stuff. Just kidding. Seriously: practice makes perfect.

All this advice seems easy, facile. But the fact is: folks these days, whether it’s because of college, or porn, or something…seem to have low expectations of sex. Or, they treat it like work, like there’s a bucket list in bed they’re checking off.

Fuck that. Love one another. If only for right now. Be calm. Be strong. Be patient. Men: don’t focus on the goal. The journey is our goal. Let’s take our time. Seriously: would you rather have sex for 1 minute, or 45 minutes? Hopefully, your relationship with yourself and your elfquest windows soul james sometimes eyespartner is such that answering that question is easy. So: patience. Every time you find yourself climbing that summit, well, roll your boulder back down the hill.

And seriously: children should be planned, ideally. I doubt I was, and I turned out alright. Well, depends who you ask. But: let’s use protection. Use protection. It’s dumb, but it’s awesome to wait to have children until we’re ready.


What’d I miss? Other than, lots? Leave a respectful comment. Or, leave a douchey comment, and we’ll block you forever.



About Waylon Lewis

Waylon Lewis, founder of elephant magazine, now & host of Walk the Talk Show with Waylon Lewis, is a 1st generation American Buddhist “Dharma Brat." Voted #1 in U.S. on twitter for #green two years running, Changemaker & Eco Ambassador by Treehugger, Green Hero by Discovery’s Planet Green, Best (!) Shameless Self-Promoter at Westword's Web Awards, Prominent Buddhist by Shambhala Sun, & 100 Most Influential People in Health & Fitness 2011 by "Greatist", Waylon is a mediocre climber, lazy yogi, 365-day bicycle commuter & best friend to Redford (his rescue hound). His aim: to bring the good news re: "the mindful life" beyond the choir & to all those who didn't know they gave a care. | His first book, Things I would like to do with You, is now available.


15 Responses to “Too Hot, Too Cold? Four Keys to “Just Right” Sex.”

  1. abebe says:


  2. Giovanna says:

    Communication is key! With my first serious boyfriend I was all of a sudden more confident and comfortable to communicate the things I liked in bed, or thought I'd like to try. We had the best sex. Ever. You know those fantasies we have? They are always at least a little romanticized (even when we are having crazy sex in them)… Once the real thing comes, it can go by so fast you miss all those "fantasy" points. Slow down, take notice of the way your partner's body moves. Observe how their movement affects you. Try to feel every tingle and goose bump. Not getting any? Have your partner gently run their fingertips all over your body. Focus all your energy and breath on your hot spots (using a little yoga here). Being in the present moment and communicating are the best sex tips I ever received!

  3. @BradHines says:

    Great thoughts! It all sounds akin to Tantra, which of course is all about mutual pleasure, connection and intimacy, and basing it more around the woman- but then her back to the man as well, rather than frat boy style pow pow pow wham bam thank you ma'am. Tantra also emphasizes slowness, being lost in the moment and more of a sustained sense of well being than just sheer coming. So with those elements, the teachings nicely (erotically) punctuate the same fulfillment we should seek in every day life including outside the bedroom.

  4. elephantjournal says:

    Such good tips. Thank you.

  5. Heather says:

    Great article. And is that last comic photo from "Elfquest"? If so I'm in love.

  6. Pete Stevens says:

    communication ~ openness ~ transparency ~ trust

  7. Erika says:

    Amen, my man.

  8. Naheed says:

    That's a serious and thought provoking read. Thank you!

  9. gabriella says:

    I think before you even get to the physical sex there must be a solid trust between the two people. If there isn't total trust, all those insecurities and red flags from past partners creep up.

  10. Cody says:

    Amen to this article and to what Gabriella said.

  11. Jenna B. Wiser says:

    I think it’s funny that you are coaching me in sex. In a sweet way!! So thank you!! Lol

    That said I can’t wait to be with you. I have fantasized about it for four months. Exactly from today was when I did a back dive and fell for you. It really doesn’t bother me to know that you may have had more experience. I know you haven’t ever had a connection like this. Nor have I. Sex is the best thing ever invented. Best stress reliever and exercise. It’s also the most powerful bonding experience two people in love can share!! We got this!!!

  12. Ellie says:

    This is a great article! Well done!!

  13. TahitiNut says:

    That should be tattoo'd on our foreheads, it's so damned critical! It's even more important than Kegel exercises! As a male, I can't even begin to describe how much more erotic and satisfying it is to be with a lover who's open and candid as opposed to one who believes it's up to me to already just KNOW what will please her… as though I'm supposed to be some mind-reader. Yes… there's no question that "exploration" of those incredibly exotic territories can be more exciting and fascinating than any voyage Columbus, Magellan, or even Captain Cook ever made … but it sure helps to have a "first mate" on board as an assistant rather than as some judge sitting on the shore holding up some stupid numbers.

    I can't believe I'm all that unusual of an owner of a Y-chromosome because I'm so avowedly interdependent on my lover's pleasures for my own. I can't even begin to "perform" in the face of a "wake me when it's over" attitude. (That was the penultimate death knell of my marriage.) A responsive, PRESENT (in the moment), and interactive lover is the second most beautiful thing in the Universe. (Her orgasm[s] is/are the MOST beautiful things in the Universe… beyond compare.)

    The word "intercourse" also means communication … and that's absolutely essential. It's amazing how quickly a fantasy becomes drab in comparison to the 'real thing.'

  14. TahitiNut says:

    Those monsters hiding under the bed (insecurities and red flags from past partners), have an amazing tendency to evaporate when they're named and openly acknowledged. Just like the magic in public speaking to begin with an admission of one's own tension tends to immediately make one's self more at ease … establishing the needed trust by candidly acknowledging our own insecurities can lead to the most incredible and satisfying intimacies ever experienced!