How to get all of earth’s seven billion people to like you—and the only thing you need to do in order to be truly happy.
I consider myself a pretty likable person—well, if you ask my friends.
Don’t ask the people who comment on my blogs that I’m “not a real yogi” or that “only vegans go to heaven” or whatever judgmental, new-agey philosophy is the cool thing of the moment to partake in and then burden everyone else with.
Or maybe do ask those unimportant people, because I have a feeling that the following list is exactly what you need to read if your current mission in life is to please others, even the ones who don’t want to like you and even at the expense of living a fulfilling life.
Here are 30 great ways to make sure that every single person on God’s green earth thinks you’re the bee’s knees:
1. Never say “no.” Say “yes” to every favor that’s asked of you, small or large, and say “yes” to anything, even if you don’t agree and even if it’s not good for you at all.
2. Don’t talk. Don’t say anything unless it’s a simple, polite response and try as best as you can to stick solely to head nods and (non-toothy) smiles.
3. And certainly don’t write. Don’t offer up anything new, different or opinionated for others to potentially disagree with and you’ll definitely be much more likable to those around you.
4. Don’t practice a religion or yoga and certainly don’t share it with others. The surest way to make people all over adore you? Don’t have any faithful beliefs or ever talk about your yoga practice or anything related to a God or Gods. Unless you’re at church. Then it’s okay.
5. If you’re a woman, don’t be sexy, unless a man wants you to be sexy and…you know what? Just don’t be a woman. Or a man. I’m not sure what else this leaves, but definitely don’t masturbate or talk about or write about or do anything sexually pleasing for yourself—if you’re a woman, that is.
6. Don’t post pictures of yourself in yoga poses.
7. Only post pictures of your kids smiling and happy and not whining, complaining or being generally upset in anyway. Yet make sure to complain just enough on your Facebook timeline or Twitter so that others don’t think you’re completely “perfect.”
I’ve titled this picture of my daughter “fall fun.”
8. Be pretty, but not too pretty.
9. Own pets, but pick up their poop.
10. Laugh just enough to seem friendly, but don’t have a loud, boisterous, tilt-your-head-back-and-belt-it-out laugh, and don’t snort—especially if you’re a woman.
11. Don’t fart. Ever. Even in private.
12. If you do fart, don’t get caught blaming it on others.
13. Be a vegan. Not a vegetarian. A vegan. Unless you live somewhere in rural America. Then deer hunt. But only with a bow and arrows. (Just to be on the safe side.)
14. Don’t be a liberal. Unless you’re at a college party. Or in an actually intellectual discussion.
15. Do like watching movies, but never admit that your absolute, all-time favorite movie is a number-one, box-office success. And make sure it was adapted from a book. That you read. Or just pretend to have read. (But make sure you know the book’s ending if it differs from the movie.)
16. Don’t have unconventional sex. (Or just make sure not to talk about it.)
17. Be funny but not so funny that you outshine your companions—especially if you’re a woman.
18. Read the news but don’t form any of your own opinions on it.
19. Don’t send mass emails. Especially political or generally news-worthy ones.
20. Answer every single call with a friendly “hello” rather than letting it go to your voicemail and always remember to reply promptly to every single text and email. Use emoticons. Or don’t use emoticons. Just don’t USE ALL CAPS.
21. If you stay at home with your kids, then do all of the laundry and grocery shopping and cleaning and then pretend you like it, and that this is all you do—and all you want to do.
22. Watch (insert popular show of the moment) and know quotes and character quirks to recite.
23. Don’t drink alcohol. Unless it’s (red) wine at a (stuffy) party, and then be sure to know all about what you’re drinking and how to properly hold your wine glass.
Also, don’t blog about drinking alcohol, and if you do make sure your article has nothing to do with yoga.
24. If you work, make enough money to support your family and have amazing health coverage but also do everything perfectly as a parent too.
25. Don’t eat bacon, and certainly don’t blog about it on a wellness site. Unless you’re a slender woman in rural America. Then it’s sexy to eat bacon. As long as you don’t fart. (But still refrain from blogging about it on a wellness site.)
26. Don’t eat too much but don’t be anorexic either. At least not publicly.
27. Own a smartphone, but don’t look at it every five f*ing seconds.
28. If you’re a woman, then don’t have a strong personality, at home or at work. The bedroom’s okay. (See specifically 1, 2, 3, 4, 5—eh, the whole list.) You’ll be what people call a “bitch.” If you’re a man, however, do have a personality forceful enough to be successful in your career, but be careful that you don’t come across as roid-rage angry (unless you make six figures)—you’ll be what people call “assertive.” Or “sir.”
29. Get six to eight hours of sleep every night at precisely the same time and don’t drink coffee when you wake up. Drink tea instead. Unless you’re surrounded by coffee drinkers, then never talk about liking tea. Especially tea that doesn’t come in bags.
30. Drink plenty of water but don’t be the one always going to the bathroom. Hold it until you feel like you might explode, but remember not to fart.
Now, here’s the list you should read if you want to be happy and enjoy your life:
1. Throw this list away because the bottom line is that some people will not like you. Oh, and about that one thing you should be doing if you want to be truly happy…
Speak, act and live the beliefs, convictions, boundaries and practices that make you like you.
And those people who are the harshest to others? They don’t like themselves, and the way that they treat you reflects this a lot more than it does anything about you.
After all, do you want to be a mindless, fartless drone or do you want to be happy and possibly unlikable to people whose opinions really don’t matter? You know what—don’t answer that.
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes… That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
~ Jack Handey
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Ed: Bryonie Wise