Is there ever a good time to wallow, to sink low in the flow of self-absorption and indulge woe?
Some say yes. Some say no.
I say go with the flow and sometimes that flow is like mud that oozes with the breath and helps us drop below earth, into the soil with the worms and bugs. Other times the flow prickles like a cold so frosty it burns the skin and hurts to inhale.
Today my flow took on its own life. Today I wanted to wallow. Today again my heart bled. Today I cried. Today for a moment I felt completely alone.
Today I crept to the tape that said what a failure I am.
But the tape stopped there. I did not wallow in being a failure. But I wanted to take out everything I have tried not for this life just for the past 6 months, and take note of where I failed.
My wallowing is a call to a friend I know will listen and not try to fix anything. The same friend is always available. The same friend is older and been where I am in her own way. The same friend will always tell me I did what I thought was right in the moment, even if now it may not seem like it.
This is a golden friend and a gift.
Today I heard from someone I don’t know well who has been where I am and does not like to be alone. I don’t mind being alone but I understand that discomfort and I want intimacy and friendship.
Last night a dear friend from high school called. We go way back and he has been where I am.
My wallowing took me to a Tara Brach podcast, kitties and some comfort food and coffee.
During this day of wanting to wallow, I taught 4 yoga classes. They went well.
The magic always finds me no matter where I am.
I asked my students in one class to ask the universe to give them what they need or desire. I asked my students to pose the question. I asked them to place the left hand on the heart and right hand on the left hand and listen.
I asked my students to feel their mental body, their emotional body, their physical body, which holds all and knows all.
And as I taught I felt an ease in giving to those before me what I needed, what we all need.
We all need to ask for what we need and want. We need to know the universe provides. We need to frame our question and set it out there. We all need this.
So now in this moment I ask myself: what do I want to ask the universe? Well, with tears flowing I want to ask the universe to take care of those who cannot care for themselves.
Because ultimately, I can take care of myself. I can cry. I can reach out. I see what I need and try to figure out the best way to meet that need.
I grow. I change.
I can stand tall in my light and I can stand tall in my darkness.
But sometimes I just want to wallow…I just want to raise the white flag. But I know as I surrender I am not giving up on life or me, I am allowing.
And allowing gives me permission to wallow, to cry, to reach out and to try and fail and try again.
Allowing is the door that never closes. Allowing keeps the door to wallowing open and so I can get to the other side. Allowing listens to what the universe offers. Allowing asks me to ask what I need and want. Allowing allows me to know and not know.
Allowing is the seed from which all can grow.
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Editor: Rachel Nussbaum
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